Millennium's New Cat
by Lonewolf685
Summary: After Hans is involved in a car accident, a deranged girl ends up running rampant in the Millennium base. She is crazier then Schrodinger, has a thing for Rip, and is obsessed with cats. Millennium will never be the same once Felicity joins there ranks. Gore and Yuri, but mostly humor. RipxOC and. AlucardxNOBODY because I'm evil! Sequel is out now.
1. Pilot

**Author's Note : My second story, so I still haven't perfected my writing skills. For anyone who has read ****The Mercenaries****, then you know the kind of stuff I do and how crazy and ludicrous this can become. If you haven't, please go read if you want a twist on the normal D. Gray-Man fan fiction. Here goes my first Hellsing fan fiction. **

**Also, I don't know German so I won't use it, except a few tidbits.**

"Bloody Hell, this place is awesome!" A girl exclaimed as she arrived in England. She wore a brown shirt that had a black cat wearing a collar and tie. The words 'LIKE A BOSS' were printed in large letters across it. With it she wore deep blue jeans, a pair of beige sandals, and a scarf that went to her knees with yellow and red vertical stripes. A hand smacked her upside the head and she turned to see her father, in profession and genetics, giving her a disapproving look. Father Vincent, as he like to be called, dressed in his priests robes.

"Why do you always talk like that, Felicity? You used to be such a sweet girl, but your mother has just spoiled you rotten." The girl rolled her eyes.

"If you are going to bring mom up, I'll just get back on the plain to the U.S.A." She started walking back towards the airport where her father picked her up, but he blocked her path.

"Alright, I'm sorry. I just miss my baby girl is all." He ruffled her shoulder length ginger hair, revealing her emerald eyes hidden by overgrown bangs. She pulled back and huffed in annoyance.

"Dad, I'm 19. No more PDA's," Which was code for 'Public Display of Affection' "Or we will have a repeat of Italy again." The father cringed, remembering the day his daughter started screaming 'Stranger Danger' when he gave her a hug in St. Peters Square.

"You know I was almost excommunicated for that, right?"

"Oh, no one thought you were going rape me. I'm not an eight year old boy." She laughed while ducking under her father's hand. "It was a joke!"

"This is what I get for falling for an American." He grumbled before carrying my luggage to his car.

"You make it sound like this is some kind of punishment." Felicity told him as she sat in the passenger seat.

"Having to pay for your flights here is punishment for my wallet. You are a very expensive girl to see."

"That makes you value your time with me more." She told him as he got in the driver's seat and drove out of the airport parking lot. The sun had set by the time they had left the airport and it would be another hour before they arrived at the small house Vincent owned in the country side. Felicity reclined her seat back until she was prone and decided to take a nap. "Wake me…When you need me." She said, pausing to let out a long yawn before dozing off.

No sooner had she closed her eyes than the car hit something, and it was big. Felicity's eyes burst open as the car's momentum flung her into her seat belt and the wind was knocked out her lungs.

"Are you okay?" Felicity looked over at her father and saw he was unconscious, but after a quick check found that he was alive.

"What the hell was that?" She grumbled to herself before getting out of the car to see what caused this accident. She gasped when she got to the front of the car.

In front of the car was a giant wolf, and a wolf shaped dent in the car. It was a giant white wolf and a gorgeous one at that. Felicity bent down and gently stroked the wolf before placing her scarf over it.

"What a waste of life." Felicity lamented "Should I bury…" She paused and lifted a hind leg to check its gender "…him?"

"That won't be necessary, fraulein." Felicity spun around to see a blonde boy sitting on the hood of her dad's car. The first and only thing she saw was the boy's cat ears. Like her name implies, she REALLY loves cats. She scrambled onto the car and immediately started rubbing them. "What are you doing?" He asked. Clearly no one has ever done this to him and the shock in his voice only encouraged her.

"Your ears! They are so adorable and soft!" Felicity was pushed off the car by the cat boy who frantically started patting down his ruffled clothes.

"What is wrong with you?!" Felicity was still reaching out for the cat boy, but he raised his foot as though to kick her so she stayed down next to the wolf.

"I love cats and I'm American. So if I see a boy with cat ears, I'm going to pet him." She said while going back to petting the wolf.

"Ah, sorry to hear that. Now about Hans over there." He pointed to the wolf behind her.

"Its name is Hans? Strange name for a wolf." Felicity pondered aloud "So what is your name then?" He perked up as though I mentioned his favorite subject and completely forget to mention Hans is more than a wolf. With a flourish of his hand he pointed to himself.

"I am Schrodinger. Now can-" He was interrupted by Felicity.

"So how do you know the Mr. Wolfy?"

"Mr. Wolfy?" The cat boy had to give her credit for coming up with a new nickname for Hans that would annoy him to no end. "He is my comrade. Isn't it time you woke up, Hans?" Felicity stared at the boy until she heard a growling and slowly turned to see the wolf get. The scarf Felicity put over his head slid down to his neck.

"What the... He was dead!" She stammered. "Actually, I never did check his pulse." The wolf named Hans ignored her and turned to Schrodinger, staring at him for a few seconds.

"What do you mean you were comfy? You can't just sleep in the middle of the road." Schrodinger said to the wolf as though it spoke to him.

"Does Mr. Wolfy have telepathy?" Felicity said as she stepped in between them. The wolf turned to her with a trace of annoyance.

_Who is this Mr. Wolfy? Did Schrodinger call me that?_ The wolf turned back to the blonde let out a low growl.

"Wow captain, I had nothing to do with it!" This didn't stop Hans from pouncing onto the car. Felicity expected to hear some cry of pain as the boy was crushed, but none came.

"Mr. Wolfy, did you just kill cat boy?" Felicity asked, now wondering where Schrodinger's body went.

"Like he could kill me." Once again Felicity spun around to see Schrodinger standing behind her.

"You can teleport?" She leapt for Schrodinger as she said this and Schrodinger teleported onto the hood of her car. "You can! Oh I love you guys."

_What is wrong with you?_ Hans asked her from his perch on the roof.

"American." Felicity and Schrodinger told him with no emotional inflection what-so-ever.

_That explains it._

"So what are you two doing here?" Felicity asked as she sauntered over and sat next to Schrodinger, who scooted away from her and Hans leaned down from the roof so his head was in between the two.

"Hans here got hungry and felt in the mood for English cuisine. He was running off his meal when he forgot to look both ways and we ended up here, sitting on your car with a conscious priest in the driver's seat." Felicity looked through the windscreen and true enough, her dad was awake and petrified of the wolf wrapped in his daughters scarf and the teleporting boy.

"Hi dad!" Felicity waved to him. He gave her a small wave before passing out again. "Pansy." Felicity groaned.

_I think we should get back. The Major will not be happy if he found we left the base._ Hans told Schrodinger.

"Do we have to? I'm enjoying myself." He was kicking his legs back and forth like spoiled brat who didn't get what he wanted, and so was Felicity. Hans kept staring at Schrodinger. He relented and hopped off the car, followed by Hans and the scarf trailed behind him.

_We have to be going now. Sorry about the car. _Hans said in everyone's head.

"Okay. Nice meeting you." Felicity told him while she got off the car. Schrodinger had reached out and grabbed hold of Hans' scruff when Felicity remembered something.

"Oh, forgot my scarf." She reached down and grabbed the scarf as Schrodinger teleported back to Millennium's base.

"Good to be home." Schrodinger said to himself.

_I'm going to take a nap._ Hans told him and started walking off when he felt a tug around his neck. He looked back and saw Felicity still holding onto the scarf around his neck.

"This. Is. Awesome!" Felicity squealed, startling the self-absorbed Schrodinger.

"We are so dead. I don't know how but we are dead." He cried. Hans would have said the same if he spoke.

_Let's just calm down. If you send her back before someone finds her, we will be fine._ Schrodinger stopped crying and met Hans gaze, realizing they still had hope.

"Time to send you-" He turned to the girl only find she was gone, and scarf around Hans neck had come off. "Oh come on!"

_It's okay. I can track her by smell._ Hans sniffed the ground and then sprinted down the hall with Schrodinger riding on his back. They turned down dozens of corridors, pushing aside several low ranking members of Millennium, before Hans stopped at a familiar room.

"You don't think she went into Alhambra's room, do you?" Hans let out the wolf equivalent of a sigh before slowly pushing the door open. Alhambra's room had an entire city made of cards along the walls of his room. The only thing that wasn't covered was his bed and a table in the center. He was currently sitting with his back to them while playing Felicity. He threw his hand onto the table.

"Damn it! None of the other's here has beaten me before." He grumbled as Hans and Schrodinger crept up behind him.

_Schrodinger, I want you to jump over the table and teleport the girl back where we found her._ Schrodinger gave him a quick nod before doing just as he said. He soared through the air just as Felicity dropped a poker chip under the table. She bent down to pick it up as Schrodinger passed over her and toppled part of Alhambra's card city. The domino effect went into effect and the Brazilian man watching in horror as months of work was destroyed. By Schrodinger.

"I'm getting too old for this." Alhambra got up from the table and went over to the stunned Schrodinger while Felicity crawled under the table and out the door.

"Hans stop her before someone important finds her!" Alhambra was even more infuriated by this insult to his status and picked up a deck of cards off the table. Hans left and ran after Felicity before he saw anything, but he heard the sound of bones breaking and didn't have to guess who it was. He was catching up and he could see her scarf trailing around a corner. Hans slowed down and crept around the corner.

"Why is there a human walking around our base?" Hans had walked right into a surprised Zorin, still wondering how a civilian got in.

_Schrodinger._ She nodded in understanding as the cat boy in question appeared next to Hans.

"Well I think I saw her going towards Rip's room. Just follow the singing." Hans's eyes widened in terror and he and Schrodinger resumed their mad dash down the halls. The singing grew louder as they approached the room of first lieutenant Rip Van Winkle.

"Do I hear a duet?" Schrodinger asked as he opened the door "This might be a problem Hans."

_What is it this time?_ Hans rolled his eyes as he stuck his snout through the door. Rip's record player was going at full blast, playing some long forgotten opera music from her youth. Rip herself was dancing throughout the room with a blushing girl being swung around as the Rip led her.

"Why has no one killed her yet? This is a base full of vampires after all." Schrodinger wondered aloud.

_Rip!_ Hans mentally shouted into the room. Rip stopped mid swing and Felicity was sent careening into Rip's antique record player. You could have heard a pin drop in the following silence.

"Sorry Mrs. Rip Van Winkle. I didn't mean to break it." Rip, who had been reaching for her musket that was leaning against the wall, stopped and blushed a deep shade of red rarely seen on a vampire.

"It's just Ms. Rip Van Winkle, but you can call me Rip for short."

"I like saying the full name. It sounds so…alluring." Schrodinger and Hans watched in amazement as Felicity just destroyed Rip's most prized possession next to her musket, stopped her from turning all of them into Swiss cheese, and started a vampires heart for a few seconds. With a quick peck on Rip's cheek, she walked out of the room, leaving behind all of three of them to pick their jaws off the floor.

"Who was that girl?" Rip asked.

"We don't know. She kind of tagged along after Hans late night snack and now she is running rampant." Schrodinger told Rip as the three of them went after her.

_Oh no! We are coming up on the control room._ Hans mentally shouted as the light at the end of the tunnel grew closer. Coming through, they stared in utter horror as Felicity crept up on the Major. Major Montana Max was busy talking with Doc about how delicious his dinner was and his chair was turned away from Felicity and the group of scared shitless Nazis.

_Grab her!_ Everyone sprinted for the unaware girl and dove, bringing her down in a literal dog pile with Rip on the bottom and Schrodinger on top.

"What is going on here?" The Major spun his chair around and looked down upon his men with his ever present half smile.

"Nothing Major, we just saw a mouse and didn't want to let it get close to you." Schrodinger covered. With the girl completely hidden under the massive body of Hans and Rip's splayed out hair, they hoped the Major would buy their excuse.

"Very good then." A collective sigh of relief went out from the pile. "By the way, have you caught that girl yet?" He pulled a remote out of his coat pocket and hit a button. Several monitors blinked to life, replaying footage of Felicity's arrival and all the events, except what went on in Alhambra's and Rip's rooms, that led up to her arrival in the control room, including the dog pile.

"What have I told you all about playing with your food?" The Major chuckled as the three Nazi's exchanged nervous glances. "Never mind. I'd like to see this little mouse of yours." His smile never faltered, nor did his voice raise, but they all immediately jumped off Felicity as though Hitler himself ordered them to.

"What is your name?" The Major asked after letting her catch her breath.

"Felicity Ira. What is yours?"

"You will speak when spoken to!" Doc screeched. He looked ready to hit her, but she was oblivious.

"It's fine doctor. It's only fair I give her my name after she gave me hers." He turned back to the girl. "I am Major Montana Max, leader of the Lazte Battalion."

"So is this some military base?" She asked while trying to once again grab Schrodinger's ears, but Hans separated the two.

"You haven't noticed it yet?" He looked to his subordinates. "You didn't tell her who we are?"

_I just assumed she was fine with it._

"It would be impossible for her not to notice that, right?" Rip asked as all eyes turned to Felicity. She searched through her memory of everything that happened this night and her eyes shone with sudden realization.

"You're Russian spies!" Everyone's hand flew up to their face, except Schrodinger who fell to the floor laughing. Han's fell over soon after because he couldn't keep his balance with three paws and this only served to make the others laugh harder.

"Okay Felicity, I want you to look very closely at what Schrodinger and Rip Van Winkle are wearing." The Major gestured towards them before climbing back into his chair. Felicity put a hand to her chin as she observed both of them. She stared at Schrodinger for about ten minutes, nine of which was her looking at his ears and him smacking her hands away. Next she looked at Rip, taking twice as long this time. While looking at her chest, she finally noticed the swastika on a chain around her neck.

"You're Hindus!" Everyone groaned. A size able crowd of soldiers had gathered to see the intruder and had started betting on when she guesses it right.

_That's it. I'm going to back to my room and getting some clothes._ Hans declared before walking out, the crowd parting faster than the red sea to let him through.

"Major, can I just tell her. It's stopped being funny a while ago." Schrodinger pleaded.

"Please do." The Major seemed to be struggling to maintain his half smile at this point. Schrodinger walked up to Felicity and put both hands on her shoulders.

"We are Nazis!" The crowd did that infamous salute and everything clicked into place for poor Felicity.

"Okay."

"We don't care what you think about us or what we did… Wait? What did you say?" Schrodinger was really confused and his already small head was ready to burst.

"I said Okay. Sheesh, for a bunch of killers and war criminals, your hearing is horrible." The Majors smile completely fell.

"Why are you so calm? You don't scream in terror at the sight of us. You don't hurl insults about the slaughter of Jews at us. Hell, you seem right at home hear among us 'killers and war criminals'."

"I'm American." The crowd let out a resounding 'Oh', but the Major wasn't convinced. He leaned forward in his chair and Felicity did the same, leaving almost no distance between them. Then he smiled

"Tell me, Felicity. What do you think of war?" Schrodinger, Rip, and every last member in the crowd caught the infectious smile that the Major bore.

"War? I never thought about it, but when I look at all of you people, I feel something." She looked out at the crowd around her before returning her gaze to the Major. "I felt genuine fear on a primal level. Each and every one of you is capable of ripping me limb from limb, aren't you? Yet I'm drawn to you. This entire place radiates with all your insanity and I just want to drown in it!" Her own smile could rival the Majors and for a moment they simply stared at each other, the Major's yellow meeting her green. "If it was war that created such perfect creatures as yourselves, then I love it!" Silence pervaded the room as her speech came to an end. Then the Major clapped. Then Rip and Schrodinger and Doc clapped. The Major pulled out his remote and the monitors along the walls came to life, revealing even more Nazis applauding her. Felicity gave them all a deep bow as though she were the lead actor on the stage of a glorious play who has just given the performance of her life.

"A marvelous speech my dear. I think we will get along just fine."

Back in England, Vincent was just waking up.

"I just had the craziest dream. There was some cat boy with a swastika arm band and you-" He cut himself off when he saw Felicity wasn't next to him. "Oh no! That wasn't a dream." He got out of the car and when he saw the dent in the car, he knew it was true.

"Nazis took my daughter!" He fell to his knees and wept. He was like this for hours until a figure draped in red came up behind him. Vincent turned to the figure and looked upon the smirking face of the devil.

"It's a beautiful night, don't you think?"

**Felicity : Yay! I just joined a bunch of Nazis! Hi five everyone.**

**Everyone : …..**

**Vincent : Why am I pansy?**

**Wolf : Because you are the pansy we need you to be. Now go pass out or Alucard will do things to you.**

**Alucard : I will.**

**Wolf : Anyway, hope you enjoyed the beginning of, hopefully, a long and funny story with tons of reviews. Normally I would give some kind of prediction as to what will happen next but I truly have no idea so your guess is as good as mine. I can say I will try to put gore, yuri, and reference to shows and games that weren't released in 1999. **

**Felicity : Review or I disembowel you with a spooooooooooon! **


	2. Cat Meets An Accountant

**Wolf : And were back, back in the New York Blues~**

**Felicity : Why are you singing?**

**Schrodinger : And badly at that?**

**Wolf : Shut it, or I have Hans 'impale' you. Anyway, here comes another glorious chapter from the insane mind of Lonewolf. Providing you insane stories since October 27****th****.**

**Schrodinger : Not that long.**

**Wolf : Hans, sick him!**

"Alucard, why have you brought an unconscious priest to my office?" Integra demanded of her pet vampire. Alucard had wondered off after his latest mission and came back a few minutes before sunset with a passed out papist. "I hope you don't intend to eat him. I let you keep the police girl and that should be enough for the next decade." Walter came in with a chair which Alucard unceremoniously dropped Vincent into.

"Of course not, master. I just think he might have some information that falls under our jurisdiction." Alucard told her as she pulled out a cigar. Walter was at her side in a second, lighter in hand.

"What, pray tell, would that be?" Alucard smirked and coughed into his hand.

"He said, and I quote," Alucard took a second to mimic Vincent's girly voice "Nazis took my daughter!" The cigar fell from Integra's mouth only to be caught by Walter, although his reaction time was admittedly slow upon hearing the word 'Nazis'.

"Oh fuck all kinds of duck."

Hans woke up with an inaudible groan. He got out of his bed only wearing his briefs and walked over to a wall locker across from it. He opened the door and looked over his choice of clothes.

_Great coat, great coat, great coat, great coat, BLUE great coat with matching leotard, and another great coat. Maybe I should get some ripped jeans or something._ Hans thought to himself as he pulled out his usual great coat. He dressed and ambled over to the small, in comparison to his size, bathroom. He combed his hair and brushed his teeth before staring at his reflection. Then he moved his lips. You could see his vocal cords moving and the strain in his features, but no noise came out.

_Why do I bother?_ He shrugged and put on his cap before walking out his room._ Time for coffe e_. Hans walked into the cafeteria, a place few in Millennium ever visit. He groggily walked over to the coffee maker and found someone already brewed a pot. Pouring it into his 'Top Dog' mug, he walked over to his favorite seat at the far corner table, only to find it occupied. He didn't even bother to ask the guy to move. He simply grabbing the soldier by his collar and dropping him on the ground.

"Hey, what's the big id-" The surprised soldier stopped himself and ran out of the room before Hans could even think of reprimanding him.

_Why is everyone at my table_? Hans's thoughts projected to the oddly crowded room. Now that he actually looked around, a good portion of Millennium were hear and sitting around this one table. _Is the Major eating with us again?_ Schrodinger popped in on his shoulders and almost spilled the liquid gold in his mug.

"Don't you remember? Oh yeah, you went to bed before her speech."

_Her? You mean that wasn't some horrible dream?_ Schrodinger looked at him disbelief.

"Yes, now come and take a seat. She already beat out Alhambra in strip poker and Zorin in beer pong. She's in the middle of playing me in Russian roulette." He teleported back to his seat at the table. Hans pushed through the crowd.

_How long have I been asleep?_ Felicity was at the center of the crowd and had a huge stack of cash in between her and Schrodinger. Schrodinger was giving her a toothy smile as she fumbled with the .357 on the table.

"You can drop out now. No one will think less of you, well I will, but what matters most here is your life, and the money I will get from this." He said the last part under his breath. Her off hand twitched and she gave Schrodinger an icy glare before putting the gun to her temple. She pulled trigger and everyone flinched in anticipation. Before they could even recover, she pulled the trigger again, and again.

_Wow…Can' wait to see how she is in a fight._ Hans 'said'. Schrodinger was taken aback by her display and his pink eyes were as wide as saucers. Felicity removed the gun from her temple and threw it at the cat boy who fumbled to catch it.

"Your move, or are you afraid? No one will think any less of you, well I will." The crowd turned on Schrodinger and soon the only thing pinker than his eyes were his cheeks.

"I'll show you!" He picked up the gun and shoved it in his mouth.

"Wow there, don't need to kill yourse-" The gun went off and blew out the back of Schrodinger's head. Brain matter splattered the soldiers behind him and a chunk of his scalp landed smack dab in Hans' coffee mug. Only Felicity seemed upset by this. Everyone else was just annoyed that he splattered them.

"I'm in trouble, aren't I?" Felicity asked.

"No, my dear, Warrant officer Schrodinger is just having a bit of fun." The soldiers jumped to attention as the portly figure of the Major came into the cafeteria.

"Why does everyone have to ruin my fun?" Schrodinger pouted as he appeared next to the Major. Felicity looked over to where the cat boy's body was, but found it was gone.

"You guys aren't just normal soldiers, are you?" Felicity asked as she shoved her winnings into a sack, along with Alhambra's clothes and Zorin's scythe.

"No no no! We aren't starting that shit again!" Schrodinger shouted in an uncharacteristic outburst. "Almost everyone here is a vampire!" The Major let out a sigh, happy to not repeat the events of the previous night. Felicity, however, was concerned.

"I have one question, one question only. Depending on the answer will determine whether or not I stay here." The Major raised an eye brow.

"What concerns you?"

"Do you vampires sparkle? If so, I'm leaving." She was dead serious, and that scared the Nazis.

_Vampires don't sparkle. Why would anyone think vampires sparkle? _Hans mentally reprimanded her. She turned to him, now noting his presence for the first time.

"Who are you?!" Hans internally slapped himself. She only saw his wolf form so of course she wouldn't recognize him.

_Its Hans, now answer the question, please._

"It's what they do in Twilight. Have you guys never read Twilight?" A resounding no filled the room. "We'll address that later then."

"I agree." The Major said. "And don't you men have jobs to do?" He have a questioning glance around the room and by the time it returned to Felicity the room had emptied of everyone besides Schrodinger, Hans, Felicity, and himself.

"Do I get a job? I'll get pretty bored if all I do is fleece your men out of their money." Felicity shook the bag of loot to emphasize her point.

"Yes, I had been thinking of just the job for you. Hans, she will accompany you in clearing out some local vampires. You should probably take her to the armory first. Wouldn't want some ghouls eating our new cat~" The Major called out as he left.

"Why would you kill other vampires?" Felicity asked Hans as they also departed, followed closely by Schrodinger.

_If there was vampire activity around our base, that would attract unnecessary attention to us. _He thought to her.

"Don't get killed, or I won't be able to win back my money." Schrodinger told Felicity as they arrived at the armory. Hans opened the door for them and they all filed in.

"I expected…more." Felicity's shoulders slumped as she looked at the measly array of armaments. "I know your Nazis, but couldn't you have upgraded your arsenal since the 1940s? Don't you have any American made guns? Maybe Polish or French, hell, why not Russian. Really any gun made after a certain day in 1945." She suppressed her laughter as Hans and Schrodinger glared at her. "But seriously, you need to use armaments from at least the last two centuries. You might as well go into battle with shovels!"

"That isn't funny. We don't have the funding for new weapons." Schrodinger picked up a luger a fired it at the ground. "Besides these work just fine." The bullet ricochets off the floor and then the walls. "See they work just like the day they were made."

"Wait for it." Felicity said, seeing a pattern to the bullet's path.

"For wh-" Schrodinger was interrupted as a bullet ripped through his throat. Blood gushed out like a geyser. His hands went up to clutch the bullet wound, including the hand with the luger. The luger that spontaneously exploded, taking off Schrodinger's head. Felicity stepped behind Hans to avoid the debris, and as the dust settled, went over to Schrodinger's severed head and began petting his ears. She did this for about 30 seconds before the head and gore disappeared and Schrodinger teleported back into the room.

"I see your point, but we still don't have the money."

"How do you not have money? You could not have gone through all that stolen Jewish gold just on this base."

_It's our accountant. He says we don't have enough money to invest in new weapons or ammo. Your joke about the shovels is pretty accurate._ Hans told her, a bit embarrassed about the whole situation.

"Take me to your accountant." Felicity said in the deepest voice she could manage. Felicity turned to Schrodinger. "Teleport, please."

"I should charge for this." He grumbled but grabbed both Hans and Felicity and taking them outside the private room of the accountant. "You're on your own from here. I can't teleport you in there because I've never been inside." He told them before running off.

"Is the accountant really that scary that Schrodinger runs away?" Felicity asked Hans. She couldn't see most of his face, but knew he was mulling his response over.

_It's not that he is scary, it's just that he is… different from us. He doesn't leave this room and keeps it looked most of the time_._ Not to mention he came with the Opera House group, rather than the original Millennium group._

"The Opera House?"

"_Old school Nazis. Still think they will bring back the old Nazi regime and the whole nine yards. We just let them think they have power, but really they are nothing. Same goes for their accountant."_

"Well, I'll just have to see for myself. Can I borrow one of your guns? Don't ask why, please." Hans complied and gave her one of his extended barrel pistols. She raised the gun and fired two rounds, aimed at the hinges of the metal bulk head in front of them. Felicity then leaned forward and tapped the door. The door let out a groan of resistance before falling inward.

_Was that necessary?_

"Absolutely. If I didn't do that, I wouldn't have made a memorable first impression." She gave him back his gun and skipped through the doorway, coming to the desk of a rather shocked accountant. He was incredibly thin and lanky, pretty weak by his fellow vampires standards. He had raven black hair and a bowl hair cut that made him look like Mandark from Dexter's Laboratory.

"What the hell are you doing?!" He shouted at Felicity, but she was busy looking around the room.

"Is that the Mona Lisa? Why is she nude?" Felicity found the black hole that consumed Millenniums funds. His desk was made of Ivory and the chair was solid gold. The walls were lined with priceless works of art that were stolen during the World War II. What really got to Felicity was what was along the back wall. He had an arsenal with enough firepower to level New York back there.

"Captain, why is this girl here?" Hans had also noticed the back wall.

_Why do you have all this?!_ Hans demanded.

"Stop ignoring my question!" The accountant huffed.

"Fine! My name is Felicity Ira and I'm reporting you for skimming funds from the war effort." Felicity told him as she looked over some of the weapons. "Dessert Eagles, a SAW, RPG, Barrett sniper rifle, a minigun." She muttered to herself. "Oi, what's this?" Felicity asked Hans.

_Think it's an M1014. Relatively new and Italian made. Why do you ask?_

"Would the Major be upset if I killed this guy?" Felicity asked.

"Yes, he would be upset if you _tried_ to kill me. You're not a vampire or even German. So what if I took some money over the years. Do you really think anyone will care?!" He shouted.

"What a little man. You steal from your comrades and have the audacity to seem offended when we call you out on it." Felicity removed the M1014 from its place on the wall. "I'll give you a choice. Option one, you give back every last cent you stole and get lost. Option two, we take your horde from your grubby little hands." The accountant was shaking with rage.

"You have no right to talk to me like that!" He stomped towards Felicity, but Han grabbed his shoulder and his grip made the other vampire cringe in pain.

_I think she does, you self-serving swine. _Hans growled mentally.

"Hans, how about you go find the Major. Tell him we are going to need some paper towels, bleach, and a new accountant down here. Also, I'm going to have to get a rain check on that mission of yours." You couldn't see it, but Hans was smiling under the collar of his great coat.

_Don't die. He may be a coward, but he is still a vampire. Go for the heart._ Hans told her privately.

"Thanks. Close the door behind you." Hans let go of the accountant and walked out the way he came, stopping only to pick the fallen door up and wedge it back in place. The accountant scowled at Felicity.

"I do hope you won't stain my office." He cracked his knuckles. "This place can take forever to clean."

"That won't be your problem anymore. I've been looking for a room of my own." Felicity hefted her new shotgun before aiming at the accountants head. Her finger found the trigger and pulled. Nothing happened so she tried again. Still nothing. Her shoulders slumped and she pinched the bridge of her nose with her free hand.

"You didn't load these guns, did you?" The accountant chuckled and stalked towards the helpless girl.

"Afraid so." He was almost a head taller than her and was looking her over as though he was deciding how he would kill her.

"You'll never get away with this. Once Hans tells the Major, you are dead!"

"The Opera House is in control here. They won't let the Major lay a finger on me." He tilted her head back, expecting to see a look of terror or at least panic on the girl. Yet her face was expressionless, not a trace of emotion. You could almost say she looked disappointed.

"You know, I always wanted to say that, but it just wasn't that satisfying. Might as well finish this without the normal foreplay." She sighed and her arms went limp at her sides before tensing up. She dropped to a crouch at an alarming speed and slugged the accountant in gut with her off hand. A string of saliva flew out his mouth as the wind was knocked out him. Felicity got out of her crouch and twirled the shotgun between her fingers.

"Four!" She shouted as she drove the butt of the gun into the accountant's chin. He staggered back from the force of the blow. When he recovered, Felicity was behind him and searching through his desk.

"I'm going to enjoy drinking you dry." He told her. Felicity didn't bother turning to him. He stomped over to her and grabbed her shoulder with enough force that he could hear bones break. He whirled her around and tilted her head to side, intending to bite her.

"Predictable." She drove a letter opener she found on the accountants desk through the soft pallet of the accountants mouth, the blade slamming his jaws together and keeping them in place. His grip on her slackened and she kicked him back against his weapon wall. Turning to the desk, she opened a drawer and found what she originally intended to find. Taking the box of shotgun shells out, she took out a round and emptied its content on the desk. "Silver buckshot. My, you are the paranoid one." She pulled out a few more shells and loaded the M1014. "Unfortunately, it's too bad I can't take my time with you. My first vampire kill and I don't even have my camera." The accountant ripped the knife out of his mouth and dashed towards Felicity. She swung the shotgun like a bat, but the accountant slid under it and in between her legs. Felicity used her momentum and spun around, ramming the barrel of her gun into the accountants shoulder. "Boom." She fired and the silver pellets ripped through his shoulder, leaving a giant hole and only a thin strip of flesh connecting arm to body.

"You bitch!" The accountant roared and with his remaining arm tried to grab the barrel. Felicity pulled the shotgun out his reach and stomped down on his chest.

"You should be glad. You lasted over twice as long as my normal game." She pumped the shotgun one handed before smashing the barrel through the vampires snarling mouth. She looked into the accountants eyes and saw the fear he couldn't hope to hide from her. "But death finds us all in the end." She pulled the trigger once, then three more times. Each shot drenching Felicity in the blood of her victim. She stepped back to admire her work. Head, arms, and legs had all been separated and thrown into the corners of the room, except the head which she put on the desk with the letter opener sticking out his forehead. She was about to leave when the torso started twitching. She remembered what Hans told her about the heart and emptied the shotgun into his chest cavity.

"Done like dinner, although my scarf is ruined." She told herself while walking to the door. The yellow of the scarf was now completely red. "I stole this form J.K. Rowling herself and now it's ruined." She kicked down the door and stomped out to find the showers.

"Excellent work my dear." Felicity lazily turned around to see the Major, Hans, and Schrodinger who was crushed under the door Felicity kicked down. "I had my suspicions he was skimming funds, but alas, the Opera House would have had a fit and give me a head ache for weeks if I killed him."

_Don't you think this is overkill? He was a vampire and she did all this_.Hans gestured towards the blood soaked room. _Is that a cat painted on the wall?_

"Yup. I figured I'd experiment with my own signature and my scarf was already soaked in blood so I used it as a paint brush." She told him with pride.

"Why did no one get the damn door off me?" Schrodinger asked as he teleported next to the Major.

"Because we didn't need to, Schrodinger. Now did you bring the bleach and paper towels?" Felicity asked Schrodinger, shaking her empty shotgun at him.

"Aye, but why do I need…Don't tell me I'm cleaning that mess you made." Felicity walked up to him and grabbed one arm while Hans played along and grabbed the other.

"If you clean out my new room and carry all this junk to the store room or whatever, I'll give you back… some of your money from earlier." Felicity and Hans threw the cat boy inside room. "I don't want to see a drop of blood when you're done~" Felicity called back as she walked off.

_Major, we may be in over our heads with this girl._ Hans privately thought to the Major. He turned to Hans with that insane smile of his.

"We have been in over our heads for a long time, but now we finally have a true monster of our own. Our very own Alucard."

**The accountant : Why did you kill me off?! The plan was for me to be Felicity's new friend who acts like Death the Kid with less OCD, but you made me some nameless prick who was brutally murdered!**

**Felicity : By me. With a shotgun. I'm awesome.**

**Wolf : Sorry accountant, but my accounting class was a real pain this week so I decided to kill an accountant. At least I didn't make you Pips brother like Plan B was.**

**Pip : Did someone say my name?**

**Wolf : Ignore the French man. Hope you enjoyed Felicity's fight with a money skimming accountant. This chapter turned out completely different then how I originally intended but still I like it. Don't forget to review, or Felicity will come to your house with a spoon and her shotgun.**

**Felicity : When do I spend time Rip Van Winkle or meet Hellsing?**

**Wolf : Next chapter my dear, and there will be blood. Mwahahahahahahhahahaha **


	3. Seras Chokes On a Woman's Sausage!

**Wolf: Hello my readers in Romania, Italy, the UK, Canada, and other countries I would enjoy to visit when I'm older.**

**Felicity : Are you just saying that because we have no reviews?**

**Wolf: No…**

**Zorin : Sell out.**

**Wolf: You are going to get it for that one. Anyway, hope you enjoy the third chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it.**

**Thanks to ****Blackberry Fairytail**** for favoriting and ****The Mistress of Shadow Dragons**** for following this story. Extra special thanks to FollieOfMadness for being the first to review.**

**Zorin: favoriting isn't a word dumbass. **

Felicity had finished showering off after murdering the accountant and had cleaned out the blood from most her clothes. The scarf was still dyed red, but she was beginning to like it. Her new M1014 was in between the scarf and her back, its handle sticking out the top of the scarf keeping it in place. She was walking through the halls of Millenniums base, whistling to herself as she came to the ex-accountants room, now her own. Schrodinger was passed out on the floor outside her room, lightly snoring and occasionally letting out little meows.

"How cute." She tip toed around him and checked the inside of the room. "Wow" was putting it lightly. In less than an hour, Schrodinger had moved the ivory desk, gold chair, and everything along the walls out of the room. He had scoured every last drop of blood off the walls, even the blood kitten she drew. The floor had been stained beyond repair so he pulled it out and replaced it with black carpeting. A queen size bed with navy blue sheets had been moved in and was along the back wall where the weapons used to be. A trunk was at the foot of the bed. Along the left was a comfy looking black couch. The right wall was barren, but she had plans for it. She walked back out and gently picked up the sleeping cat boy before depositing him on the couch. She went over to the chest and pulled out a blanket and a camera, one of the old ones that print the photo when you take it and she had no idea why Schrodinger got it for her. Felicity took a photo of the sleeping Schrodinger for blackmail purposes before draping the blanket over him. She stuffed the picture in her back pocket and crept out of the room.

"I could make a killing in the home remodeling business with that kid, and now I can blackmail him into it." She chuckled to herself as she resumed walking down the halls. She waved to a few random soldiers, some waved back, some ignored her, and others ran screaming because they heard what she did to the accountant.She was enjoying herself when she stumbled upon Millenniums control room again. As per usual, the Major was sitting in his chair flanked on both side by Dok and Hans.

"Hello again, my dear. I do hope Schrodinger did a good job clearing out your room." The Major said.

"Good? He's amazing." Felicity told him before she remembered something. "Didn't you have a job for me and Hans to do before we got sidetracked with the accountant?"

_Shouldn't you rest? I thought I heard your bones break during your fight. _Felicity opened her mouth to ask how he knew._ My hearing is just that good._ Felicity nodded her understanding.

"It's just my shoulder, but it's nothing I can't work around." Hans rolled his eyes and poked her shoulder. Felicity grit her teeth to stifle the sudden urge to say every curse word in existence, starting with the letter F, but the pain was obvious. "Come on, I can work with this. Just give me something to do." She pleaded with the Major after pushing past Hans with an excessive amount of force.

"Um…" Felicity continued to give him the puppy dog eyes and the Major had no experience with this tactic. You can imagine girls didn't throw themselves at him in his youth. _Help me out here, Captain._ Major thought while staring at Hans. Hans acted as though he didn't hear it and even went so far as to clean out his ears. The Major was starting to regret taking away his steak privileges after he went hunting in England without his permission. Sure it brought them Felicity, but he still snuck out. Then he got an idea.

"I need you to scout! Yes, scouting!" He declared a bit too loud, causing Doc and Hans to cringe.

"Who am I scouting?" Felicity seemed eager to get to work.

"Our enemy…Hellsing!"

"Like in the Bram Stocker book?" Felicity asked.

_We need to give her an informational pamphlet or something to get her up to speed._ Hans thought aloud.

"Yes, I think your right." The Major nodded towards Hans and then turned towards Felicity. "During World War II, it was Hellsing that destroyed our own vampire creating program. Since then, we have been biding our time for one last glorious battle." His mad smile was back and Felicity couldn't help having her own. "Now we can't go into battle without intelligence, and that is where you come in. You will be observing there manor and gleaning any information about its personnel that you can. Since you're not a vampire or anything supernatural, you should be able to do this undetected." Felicity was speechless for a few minutes. The Major began to wonder if he broke the girl when she jumped onto his lap and hugged him in a vice grip.

"Thank you thank you thank you thank you!" She kept repeating this like it was her own personnel mantra.

"Cant…Breathe!" Doc furiously tried to pry Felicity off, but it took him **and** Hans to get her off. Hans was holding her a foot off the ground as she started to calm down. _She is a handful. Wonder how Sir Integra handles Alucard_. Major thought to himself.

"I won't let you down, sir!" She wriggled free of Hans and ran down the hall she came from. She came back soon after. "Where is Hellsing?"

"London, England." The Major told her. She started to run off again, but Hans stopped her.

_Leave your gun, no killing unless necessary, Schrodinger will send you, and no matter what, don't get caught and reveal that you are working with Nazis._ She didn't want to leave her weapon behind and gave Hans the puppy dog eyes that defeated the Major. He countered by giving her **real** puppy dog eyes and soon Felicity was beaten at her own game.

"Okay, I'll leave it behind. Anything else I should know?" Hans put her down and this time she didn't run.

_If you see a vampire dressed in all red and named Alucard, run. Don't fight, just run._ He looked her right in the eyes and she felt the concern in his 'voice'. She looked back up at Hans and came upon a sudden realization.

"Oh Hans, I appreciate your concern, but I don't like you like that. I just want to be friends" She patted a wide eyed Hans on the arm before walking off to find Schrodinger. Hans stood there for next couple of hours and eventually the Major had to call for help to wheel him out using a forklift.

Schrodinger was still asleep on Felicity's couch so she used extra special care in waking him. She pulled the pillow from under his head. When he didn't wake up, she used the pillow to smother him. She held it there for a good ten minutes but he didn't move. "Damn, you are a heavy sleeper." She reached down to pet his ears, but his eyes flew open and he grabbed her outstretched arms.

"I just overhauled this room, a job which should have taken days in less than an hour, haven't been paid, and now you won't let me sleep!" As he finished ranting, Felicity got her bag of loot from her chest and reached inside. She pulled out Zorin's scythe and handed it to him.

"Here is your payment. Now I need you to take me to London, England. I'm scouting… Hellsing!" She did the dramatic pause just like the Major. While she was thinking of it she tossed her shotgun onto her bed so Hans wouldn't get mad at her.

"How long have I been asleep?" Schrodinger asked. _It seems too early to throw the girl in the meat grinder that is Hellsing's pet vampire, Alucard. Even Walter might have to kill her to maintain his cover._

"Less than an hour. Now will you send me to London or will have to use the pillow again." She fluffed said pillow to make it seem more threatening. "You know you can't kill me." He told her, brandishing his new scythe.

"I know, but I can make sure you never get a good night's sleep for as long as I live." Schrodinger groaned before he grabbed her hand and teleported to London. He released her hand and teleported back to finish his nap. He had dropped her off inside just outside Big Ben.

"Know to find Hellsing." Her stomach growled. "Right after I eat."

"Sir Integra, can I get some vacation time?" Seras asked her master's master. Integra didn't have to ask why the young vampire wanted out of the manor. Father Vincent had refused to leave the manor after Alucard brought him in a few days ago. He had driven the human guards so crazy they refused to let him sleep in the barracks, so he ended up in the dungeon with Alucard and Seras. He had started sprinkling Holy Water throughout the halls and it was driving Alucard literally up a wall. It amusing at first, but now she was reaching her wits end.

"Police girl, till we sort out father Vincent, take all the time you need. I'll have Alucard call you if you're needed." Seras would have hugged Integra, but the glare she got lowered the room's temperature a few degrees. Instead she hurried out the door and ran back to her room for a change of clothes. She came back to the entrance in a pink parka that went down to her knees and sunglasses to shield her eyes. The finishing touch was a generous amount of SPF 300, made by Walter, she smeared over her arms and face. Seras hesitantly opened the door and took a step outside.

"No spontaneous combustion. At least one thing has gone right lately." Reassured today will be a good day; she walked out of the manor and into the city proper. She decided to visit her old neighborhood and get some knick-knacks from her apartment. Her room at Hellsing was just too depressing for her with just a coffin. "Maybe I'll go out and buy a bed. That coffin is cramped and I can hardly fit my breasts in there." One of the bonuses of being a vampire is that her back problems are gone. She was thanking her vampire strength as a familiar smell wafted into her nose. She started walking faster down the streets, giving up on her plans to visit her old home. _I smell a vampire!_ Seras thought. After a few blocks, the smell was so strong she knew was close. She followed her nose into a small diner that was empty except for a bored looking waitress, the cook, and a girl sitting two booths away from the door.

Felicity was enjoying her bangers and mash when Seras came in. After learning that vampires were real, she could pretty much confirm that the woman who walked in was one.

_Who else would wear a parka and sunglasses in London?_ She thought. Oddly enough, the girl sniffed her way to Felicity.

"Can I help you?" Felicity asked Seras. She snapped out of her sniff-happy trance and looked Felicity over. She could smell vampire all over this girl, but could tell she wasn't one. Her eyes weren't red, but that could mean she hasn't drunk blood yet. Felicity waved her hand in front of Seras's face to get her out of her trance. "Hello?"

"Sorry, I just smelt something and it lead me to… your meal. I haven't eaten yet." She covered for herself. It wasn't exactly a lie; she herself hasn't drunk blood yet. Alucard keeps trying to get her to, even Integra tries to, but she just doesn't want to give up her life in the sun. It may be uncomfortable for her, but she can still go out now. Felicity gave her an odd look before sliding her plate across the table and motioning for Seras to sit.

"Help yourself." Felicity decided she would have some fun. Hans said she couldn't kill people, but he never said anything about screwing with vampires. When she played Zorin at beer pong, she couldn't keep any of it down. Schrodinger explained to her that vampires can't eat or drink the food they used to. Seras seemed reluctant so Felicity grabbed her arm and pulled her down into the booth opposite her. "If you're hungry, eat."

"I don't mean to impose…"

"I insist." Seras's eyes shifted from Felicity's toothy smirk to the sausage and mashed potatoes in front of her. She grabbed a fork and stabbed a sausage link with enough force to crack the plate. She slowly brought the sausage up to her mouth and was about to eat it when Felicity fell out of the booth laughing.

"What's so funny?" Seras asked, relieved she has an excuse not to eat.

"You almost choked on another woman's sausage!" Felicity told her as she climbed back into her booth. Seras turned beat red, getting her joke. "Not to mention the white stuff would have been hard to swallow!" Seras couldn't hold back her own laughter and both girls struggled to remain upright. The hood of Seras's parka fell back and Felicity stopped mid laugh. With that hair of hers, she looks just like a female Schrodinger.

"What's the matter?" Seras asked as she got herself under control. Internally, she was cursing herself for laughing at this strange girl's dirty jokes. Felicity reached into her back pocket and pulled out the photo of a sleeping Schrodinger. He was on his side so the swastika arm band was hidden and Felicity had done a horrible job centering Schrodinger so the ears were cut off.

"You look just like this guy!" She pushed the picture in Seras's face.

"I don't see the resemblance." She told Felicity. "Although he is cute. Reminds me of a sleeping cat." She didn't know how right she was. "So…How did you know I was going to choke on that food?"

"You're a vampire so it's impossible for you to eat." Seras stared at her in disbelief before bursting out in fake laughter.

"That's a good one. Vampires don't exist." Felicity rolled her eyes. She grabbed the knife that came with her meal and cut her index finger. Seras's blue eyes turned red and she had to stop herself from jumping over the table as a drop of blood fell on the table.

"Don't worry. I don't kill vampires unless it's necessary. That's Hellsing's territory after all." Seras tensed up even more when she mentioned Hellsing.

"What do you know about Hellsing?" Felicity was surprised. She just thought this girl was a random vampire in London, but if she knows about Hellsing, she might be able to get some information.

"I know they protect England from the things that go bump in the night, such as yourself Ms…"

"Seras, Seras Victoria. My frien- I mean coworkers call me Police Girl." Felicity extended her uncut hand across the table.

"You can call me Cat Girl, your new best friend." Seras shook Felicity's hand before realizing what she said. "I'm basing this off the conclusion that you have no real friends to confide in or else you wouldn't have said 'coworkers' a second ago and you're also a vampire. Not like there is some support group for the supernatural." Seras was a mix of insulted and astounded by this girl. Insulted because she assumes she has no friends and astounded because she is right.

"So how do you now about vampires and Hellsing?" Seras asked, a part of her still hesitant about trusting this oddball.

"Had a run in with a big guy in red. I think he said his name was Alucard." Seras eyes flashed in recognition and Felicity knew she was winning Seras over. "Told me all about vampires and ghouls. He also mentioned something about shooting leprechauns and Lucky Charms that I can't remember for the life of me." Seras also remembered a similar lecture. Walter even brought in diagrams for Seras to look at. "He got overzealous killing a vampire in my hometown and drenched my scarf in blood. That's probably the smell you followed to me." Seras figured that by now Felicity would have known she didn't come here for the bangers and mash.

"It's nice to know another person who has dealt with my master." Felicity finally got what she wanted. Seras Victoria is a vampire made by Alucard. _I've been with Millennium for less than a week and already I'm awesome at my job. _She thought to herself.

"Well, if you ever want to talk and Hellsing doesn't have any work for you, I'll be here every Saturday Seras." Seras enjoyed being called by her actual name and had begun to relax around Felicity.

"I'd like that." From there the two girls made small talk about their coworkers and how Felicity thought Seras looked like Schrodinger until sundown and the diner closed. Seras and Felicity said there good byes and agreed to meet back at the diner next week. Felicity returned to where Schrodinger dropped her off to find the cat boy playing around with the scythe like he was Maka Albarn.

"You having fun?" Felicity smiled at Schrodinger. He was like a little kid despite his age.

"Definitely. You ready to go back?" He stopped spinning his scythe as she put a hand on his shoulder.

"Yup. Beam me up Scotty." The poofed out of existence and reappeared back in Felicity's room, only it was a bit crowded. Hans, Rip, Zorin, The Major, and half a dozen men she didn't know where in her room and they looked pissed. Their clothes looked to have been cut to ribbons and they were all staring at Schrodinger and his scythe. Felicity backed away from the soon to be repeatedly murdered cat boy as the crowd surged forward and dragged the boy out of her room. The Major stayed behind and adjusted his cracked glasses.

"I assume you gave him that dreadful weapon."

"I have no idea how he got that. He must have taken it while I was out on my mission." The Major nodded his head, but didn't buy it.

"How did your mission go?" Felicity got her mad smile again.

"I've made contact with the fledgling of Hellsing's dreaded vampire, Alucard!" The Major's eyes widened a little as she said this. "And I'm meeting her again next Friday over lunch. We have our own mole now." She seemed so pleased with herself The Major didn't have it in him to tell her he already has a mole. He patted her on the shoulder, or as high as he can reach, before heading towards the door.

"Very good, and you can see the fledgling next Friday. Till then, you're off missions."

"But why?" She whined.

"I have a new job for you. Come here for a moment." He motioned with his index finger and she poked her head out the doorway. There were deep gauges in the metal of the hallway that went as far as she could see.

"Schrodinger." The both said.

"And you get to fix all of this for giving warrant officer Schrodinger a scythe." He told her and walked away.

"DAMN YOU SCHRODINGER!"

**Wolf: thank you ****takahata101**** for you awesome YouTube Hellsing Ultimate Abridged series that has given me some of my jokes. He just did episode three so if you haven't seen it, go check it out now.**

**Alucard: Yes, it has be me being a total boss and I even write death threats to the pope. By the way, when am I going to do something?**

**Wolf: Later. I still have to think how a human can fight you and make it last more than 10 seconds.**

**Felicity: I know how! *Whispers in Wolf's ear.* **

**Wolf: I love it! It was a good idea letting you watch Breaking Bad. See you guys later and please review.**


	4. Cat Hunt!

**Alucard: Author! *Your dashingly handsome author, Lonewolf, jumps onto the scene***

**Wolf: What?**

**Alucard: I want lines. You have the Police Girl do more than me! Even Integra does more than me.**

**Wolf: Okay Alucard, I'll give you time in the lime light *maniacal laughter***

_Speech in italic_-thought_._

"You called, master." Alucard phased through one of the walls in Integra's office. His normal grin hadn't graced his face in the past three weeks, two days, five hours, ten minutes, and… twenty seconds. Alucard may or may not be counting the time since Vincent made his home in the basement and started spraying holy water all over the place. He looked his master over and saw she was almost as bad as him. She had started smoked eight cigars an hour. Along with that, she had a half empty bottle of bourbon on her desk. Alucard's gaze wandered over to Walter next. He looked about fifteen years older and his hands shook as tried to light Integra's cigar. Alucard knew Pip and the other Wild Geese threatened to open fire on Vincent if he came within thirty feet of their living quarters; they even went so far as to construct barricades. He suppressed a growl as he finally thought of Seras, the only one who seemed happy lately.

_Curse her days off. Integra doesn't even consider letting me go out. Something about me killing indiscriminately and death threats to the chief replacement, or the pope as his friends call him._

"Yes, I've just finished my…Lengthy negotiations with Iscariot over who gets jurisdiction over Vincent. Turns out they hate him as much as we do. I almost felt sorry for that Italian swine Maxwell." She paused to take a long drag of her cigar. "Hellsing must now find the daughter of Father Vincent Ira, and I'm leaving that responsibility to you. Also, make sure not to kill him or Maxwell will give me an even bigger head ache than I have now."

"Did you say Ira?" Alucard's trademark grin was slowly returning.

"Is it relevant?"

"It's Italian for madness. I just appreciate the irony that we are ones going mad just being around him." Alucard chuckled to himself and phased through the floor as Integra pulled out a gun from a drawer in her desk and aimed for his head. Alucard kept going through the floors until he arrived at his room.

"Hello, old friend." Alucard said lovingly as walked he to one of the few things he actually cared about next to his coffin. His chair, with that untouched bottle of wine next to it and its' worn out cushions. Alucard slowly sat down with the greatest of care and leaned back in his chair. "If only I could fit you in my coffin." He sighed in contentment. Then the smell of something burning assaulted his nostrils. To be more specific, it smelled like the ass of a certain vampire was being exorcised by a holy water soaked chair. Alucard got out of the chair and reached into his coat. He pulled out the Casull, then stopped and pulled out the Jackal instead. I single bloody tear fell down his cheek before he fired on his chair. He emptied the clip, reloaded, and kept firing until there was nothing but a hole in the ground where his beloved chair once was. He pulled out the Casull and stalked through the wall to his room, intent on finding one man and painfully 'interrogating' him. He won't die, but he will wish did.

"Papist!"

"Done!" Felicity declared triumphantly. She turned off her blow torch and threw it, along with her welding mask, down to the ground. It took her three weeks, but she finally repaired all the damage Schrodinger inflicted on the base with Zorin's scythe.

_Now I can focus on some of my pet projects_. Felicity thought as she rubbed her hands together and grinned mischievously. _But I'm going to need some help to get them all done_. She walked down the hall as a plan formed in her head, and she knew just who to call.

"But first I need my shotgun."

_The Hunter_

"Mrs. Rip Van Winkle." Rip was sitting on her bed cleaning her musket when a voice called into Rip's room.

"It's just Rip." She said coldly. Rip had fallen into a slight depression after her record player was destroyed. She looked from where she was sitting on her bed to see Felicity standing in her doorway, although she wasn't wearing her scarf and her shirt was soaking wet for reasons she stopped herself from contemplating. Rip could see the outline of Felicity's B cup breasts through her wet shirt and immediately averted her gaze.

"I know. I just enjoy teasing you."

"Is there something you needed?" Rip was furiously cleaning her musket to avoid looking at Felicity.

"You." Rip jumped a little and stopped her cleaning. Felicity giggled and sauntered over to sit beside Rip, who tried very hard to look interested in twiddling her thumbs once she finished cleaning her musket.

"I don't know what you mean." Felicity grinned devilishly as she lifted Rip's head by her chin and turned her so they were face to face.

"You just have to do everything I say." Felicity purred. "Can you do that?" Rip closed her eyes as she felt her face being pulled closer to Felicity.

"…okay."

"Excellent!" Felicity jumped off the bed, leaving behind a surprised and embarrassed sniper. "I need you to go hunting for me and bring back some special prey, alive please. Meet me in the control room in an hour when you're ready." She skipped out Rip's room, then came back in and sat next to Rip again. "Almost forgot." She grabbed Rip by her chin and brought her lips to Rip's. Rip's eyes burst open and to her surprise, found she wasn't resisting. Felicity broke away and got off the bed again. "Couldn't leave you hanging like that." She ran out of the room at a break neck speed to find the next key member to her plan. _Worked like a charm. Knew the shirt wasn't overkill._

Rip was rooted to her bed for the next half hour. "What the fuck just happened?"

_The Doctor_

Doc was in the middle of a very important experiment. He was trying to create another son, who hopefully will have the powers of Schrodinger, but without his self-obsessed personality being so uncontrollable.

"Has to be perfectly balanced or it will be another failure." He was holding a beaker over a sedated cat. It was a Bombay that had a single white patch between his front legs that looked like a tie. "One drop is all I need. Anymore, and I get another abomination." He initially enjoyed the cat monsters, but Hans would start fighting with them and then The Major would make him give them away.

Somewhere, a little old cat lady is being eaten by her newest cats.

He tilted the beaker a degree at a time, going as slow as possible. Little did he know, Felicity was right behind him, slowly getting out of a crouch and was grinning like a The Major on the eve of war. She inhaled before doing what any insane person like herself would do.

"WHAT'CHA DOING?" She shouted in his ear. Doc jumped and spilled the beaker all over the cat on the operating table. A poof of smoke erupted from it, obscuring the complex and awesome transformation process from view. Doc turned to Felicity.

"I was working, you fool, and now it is ruined. Everything is ruined! I'm out of cats to experiment on and the Captain won't let me use dogs." In his room, Hans felt the sudden need to call the ASPCA.

"Well if you need more cats, I can help you if you help me." Doc stopped reaching for a scalpel with the intent to vivisect the girl and raised an eyebrow.

"What do you need?"

"I'll bring you cats, if you can make me these, and a lot of them." Felicity pulled out a piece of paper covered in diagrams and sketches from her left pocket and handed it to dock. "Can you handle this?" She challenged Doc. "I'll also be taking your cat catching gear." She said under her breath.

"This? It will be child's play. I'll just need to get enough iron oxide and aluminum and the rest will be easy." Felicity extended an arm which Doc gladly hooked his own around before they walked out of the lab. The fog covering the operating table thinned to reveal a set of razor sharp teeth that gleamed in the light of the overhead lamps. The creature jumped off the table and went the opposite direction Felicity and Doc went.

"…Hun…gry…"

_The Bitch_

"Wait, why am I even considering Zorin?" Felicity slapped herself before walking away from the gym.

_The Cat_

Felicity approached the cell Schrodinger had been staying. She came to a rectangular bulkhead with a tiny slit for food to go in. She opened it and looked inside. Felicity had been wondering what kind of cell could contain Schrodinger, and now she knew. The walls, floor, and ceiling were all mirrors. Schrodinger was standing in the middle of the room looking into his reflection, occasionally turning to get a better angle. Felicity stepped away from the door and walked away. No teleporting this time. Only one option left.

_The Wolf_

_You want what?_ First he felt like calling the ASPCA, now Felicity has come to his room. He was starting to make the connection when she answered his question.

"I need to get to someplace far away, and since Schrodinger is busy, I need you to get me there." She replied with a childish smile.

_How far?_

"Rome, Italy." Hans's eyes widened a fraction.

_Do I want to know why you're going to Italy?_

"Nope."

_Before I say yes to anything, how do you expect me to get us there?_

"Follow me." Felicity led Hans to the control room, where The Major was strangely absent, and in his place was Rip.

_Where is The Major?_

"I promised him something special from Italy if he let us go. Now I will show you how I intend to get there." She picked up The Major's remote, which was left on his chair, and pushed a button. A single monitor blinked to life and revealed the _Deus_ _ex Machina_ in all its glory. "You're piloting a zeppelin!" Hans was slack jawed, even though no one could see it.

_You want me to fly a zeppelin covered in swastikas through Europe and land us in Italy, and doing all of this without being found out and exposing Millennium?_ Felicity nodded as he thought this._ Hell, why do you even assume I can fly a zeppelin?_

Felicity put a finger to her chin and thought over how to answer all of his questions before responding. "Yes, yes, and I found the record room while I was fixing the halls and wasted a week reading up on all of you." She said, but in reality, she assumed that if a dog can play poker then a werewolf can fly a zeppelin.

_I'm not doing this, and I'm ashamed you, Rip, would even consider this._ He shot the marksman a dirty look before attempting to leave, but Felicity grabbed his hand and turned him around with no small effort on her part.

"I've negotiated your steak privileges back. All you have to do is get us to Italy and back." Hans started salivating and knew then and there that she won this.

_Give me a minute to get changed._ He ran back to his room as fast as he could, denting the floor with every step.

"I just fixed that hallway!" Felicity groaned. As she said this, Hans returned wearing a red scarf, a leather cap with goggles, and a World War I pilots uniform.

"Oh, he got his uniform! I haven't seen it in ages." Rip squealed in delight.

"Are you the…" Felicity stammered as she thought she recognized that outfit. Without the collar of his great coat, you could see the smirk he had.

_The Red Baron flies again!_

_Outside Rome, Italy_

"I'm impressed, Hans. I had my doubts we would make it here undetected." Felicity had to give the werewolf props. They had made it here without a single problem, and did a couple barrel rolls just to give Rip air sickness. He had donned his great coat once again and Rip hid her swastika in her suit so they wouldn't be run out town.

_I was the best pilot in all of Germany before I faked my death in World War I. I do miss the flying circus, but I had to get out of the limelight. Don't think people would have liked to find out their hero was a werewolf ._Hans told her as he adjusted his grip on a large case Felicity gave him.

"So can you tell us why we are here?" Rip asked. She was tetchy after the flight here and the fact the Felicity has yet to tell them why they came here in the first place.

"Since you're here now and can't run away, I can tell you."

_Oh boy. I can't wait to see what it is this time. Maybe you'll kill our plumber because you found a leaky pipe, or the chef because he burnt you food._ Hans thought sarcastically. Felicity, however, didn't take it too well and retrieved a rolled up newspaper from the folds of her scarf and pointed it Hans like it was a loaded gun.

"As I was saying, we are going hunting for a special animal that are very plentiful here, so no one will miss a couple dozen when we catch them. I brought you two so you could catch me cats!" She grabbed the case Hans was holding and opened it. Hans and Rip leaned over and saw inside the case were a menagerie of nets, poles, and buried under all of that was a tranquilizer gun that Rip immediately called dibs on. "Whoever catches the most cats gets a special present." Felicity came up behind Rip and put her arms around her waist. "From me." Rip would have jumped had Felicity not been holding her down.

_Should I give you two a some alone time? _Hans chuckled as he picked up a large net that could hold a few Saint Bernards from inside the case.

"No!" Rip screamed and broke free from Felicity's hold. She sprinted past the case and scooped up the tranquilizer gun, then continued running towards the city in the distance.

_Felicity, do you honestly like her, or do you just enjoy screwing with her_?

"Both." She replied as she started going after Rip. "Toying with her like the makes the conquest all the more enjoyable."

_The Major was right. She is a monster ._Hans thought to himself as he took up the rear.

"Why did I get dragged into this?" Heinkel complained.

"Because we haven't spent much time together." Yumie told her German friend as they roamed the streets of Rome.

"We work together every day!" Heinkel snapped back

"That's work. I just wanted to get me, you, Maxwell, and Anderson back together for a night on the town, but they were busy." Yumie sounded down and Heinkel immediately felt like an ass.

"Okay, what do you want to do?" Yumie perked up and latched onto her fellow nun.

"Karaoke!"

"Hell no. You know what happens every time we do that." Yumie got off her friend and had a brief moment of silence for every Karaoke machine that Heinkel has shot out of frustration. She misses one note and instantly gets pissed.

"Um.. we could go sightseeing."

"We've done that before." Working for Iscariot meant you pretty much knew every inch of Rome.

"How about shopping?" Despite being in Iscariot, they earned a decent salary and had saved up over the years.

"No…actually, I would like to get something." Heinkel said as she light herself another cigarette.

"What would that be?"

"A seventy inch HDTV and an Xbox 360." She deadpanned.

"Yay! We can do something normal!" Yumie screamed.

"Let's get going before I change my mind." Yumie grabbed Heinkel and dragged the German towards the nearest electronics store.

"Target in sight." Rip whispered.

"Take the shot, Rip Van Winkle." Felicity purred. Despite her deep blush, Rip pulled the trigger and a single dart flew out of the barrel of her tranquilizer gun and plunged into the street cat over fifty yards away on a separate roof top. Felicity got up from her prone position next to Rip and went out to retrieve her quarry, jumping from roof to roof like she did it all her life. "Another tabby!" She called back as she picked up the knocked out cat.

"That makes fourteen cats for me. Wonder how Hans is doing?" As though speaking of him summoned the werewolf, Hans jumped from a nearby rooftop to Rip's personnel sniper nest. His net was slung over his shoulder and was bursting with tiny paws and twitching tails.

_Sixteen._ He told her coolly before running off to find more. Rip was getting annoyed by Han's success at this.

_I'm the god damn hunter here. If anyone is getting that prize, it's me! I mean I'll catch the most cats. I don't care about the prize, just the thrill of the hunt._ She reassured herself.

"Remember, the first to forty cats wins this." Felicity said as she returned to lying down next to Rip.

_Time to get serious with this. _She loaded another dart and sighted another cat_. I am the hunter here!_ She stood and fired. Before the dart even reached its target, she loaded, sighted a new target, and fired. She made the dart gun seem automatic as she fired with blinding speed and in under a minute had tranqed four more cats.

"Felicity, get those while I finish this."The girl could only nod in stunned silence as Rip ran off to find more cats.

"This may be more cats than even **I**__can handle." Doc might be a lot of cats when they get back to base. "Maybe Seras could use one, or five."

"Achoo!" Pip gave Seras an odd look as the vampire sneezed. He didn't even know they could.

"Can I get some help carrying this?" Heinkel shouted at Yumie.

"You bought it, so you can carry it." Yumie replied with a sense of smug satisfaction. Heinkel was struggling to carry her brand new seventy inch HDTV through the back alleys of Rome. Yumie was kind enough to carry her Xbox at least.

"You have more upper body strength, Yumie. You're a samurai for Pete's sake!"

"Let me think about it." She didn't get the chance to as a girl fell from the roof tops above her. Yumie reacted in a flash, running for the wall and kicking off it to get in the air and catch the girl. She landed with supreme grace, Felicity held in a bridal carry, and looked up at the sky. _Thanks you god for answering my prayers. I knew you could rain down woman if I prayed hard enough._ She turned her gaze back down to the girl. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Thanks for the save. I was trying to catch a cat when I slipped and fell." Yumie thought it is was pretty strange, but didn't think much of it.

"So what's your name?" She asked as Heinkel set down her TV box and joined the two.

"Felicity Ira." Felicity said as she tried to get out of Yumie's grasp, which stiffened after she said her name.

"Yumie, isn't that the name…" Heinkel started to say, but Yumie finished.

"…Of Father Vincent's daughter. Yes it is, Heinkel."

"Wasn't she reportedly kidnapped by Nazis?" The nuns turned to Felicity, faces expressionless.

"Kidnapped? No. No. I just… ran away with some friends. You know how my dad can be and all." She let out a nervous laugh.

"Then why do you have a loaded shotgun across your back?" Yumie asked, holding her even tighter.

"Cat hunting." Something told her they didn't believe her.

"I say we tie her up." Yumie said.

"Let's turn her in." Heinkel countered.

"Tie her up."

"Turn her in."

"Tie her up!"

"Why do you always say we should tie them up?" Heinkel shouted.

"Excuse me, but can you let me down?" Felicity asked, still being clutched by Yumie.

"No!" Heinkel rapped her on the head.

_Where the hell is Hans or Rip when I need them?_

_Thirty nine cats. Just need one more to win this!_ Rip and Hans both thought. They didn't know it, but at the moment they were both hunting the same cat. Rip had already shot it and now they were sprinting for the cat. She thought Felicity had already gone to retrieve it, but she was nowhere to be found.

_Never mind, I just need to snag this feline and then I can go home._ She thought. Rip she was a few feet away, she dove for the cat.

Hans was having similar thoughts as he too dove for the cat except he was thinking of steak. They both collided with Hans hitting Rip from the side and both of them tumbling off the roof to the alley below. The same alley Felicity fell into. Hans crushed an unsuspecting Heinkel under his massive body while Rip fell into the lap of Felicity and Yumie managed to hold both of them up.

_It's raining woman, halleluiah~._ Yumie and Felicity thought.

"Glad you dropped in. Feel free to stay awhile." Felicity remarked. Rip would have leapt off had Yumie not extended her grip to include her as well.

"Not so fast. Who are you?" Felicity knew how this song and dance ended so she decided to end this admittedly comfy situation. Rip had dropped her tranquilizer gun during the fall so that left Hans, who was currently picking himself up and still clutching his bag of cats.

"Hans, throw the cats at the nun!" Without a moment's hesitation, Hans threw the bag at Yumie. It opened in midair and showered the woman in whirling cats. Yumie dropped Rip and Felicity as she frantically tried to pry off the terrified cats. Felicity got to her feet and led Rip away from Hans 'Cat Storm' attack, but not before snatching the Xbox Yumie left on the ground. "Hans, grab the TV. Rip, go get your cats. We're bugging out!" She climbed up the wall of the alley like she was Ezio and jumped across the rooftops. Rip followed her up and caught up with her in seconds. Hans was left to grab the giant TV and run through the streets of Rome. A few weeks ago, he would have found doing this strange, but at this point he was enjoying himself.

_That girl is really a bad influence. Probably worse than The Major._

"I hate cats." Yumie seethed. It was hard to really get her angry, but when you did, you better run for cover. Heinkel suppressed her sniggers as she got off the ground.

"You always were a dog person." Yumie whirled to face Heinkel, and if she had her katana she would probably being slashing everything living thing around her.

"Let's just go and report this. I'm sure Maxwell will love to hear this."

_Days Later at Millennium's secret base. The one in the amazon rainforest. You just take a left at the big tree, a right at the cannibal village, and your there._

"We're home~" Felicity called out as Hans, or the Red Baron as he liked to be called while flying, finished parallel parking the zeppelin. "Anyone here?" There was usually someone here, working on the other zeppelins or just loitering, but the hangar was devoid of life. The group felt uneasy and each drew their respective weapons, except Rip who had to use one of Hans' pistols. They all jumped as a voice echoed in the distance. Even Hans had to strain his ears to hear it, but soon we could all hear because it was getting closer. The lights died out and Felicity had to resist the urge to scream zoinks and jump into Hans arms. The voice was getting closer in the pitch black until it felt like it was right in front of them. What she heard sent a shiver down her spine.

"…Hun…gry…hun…gry…HUNGRY!"

Yumie: Excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt the scary monster arc your setting up, but why am I gay?!

Wolf: Actually, I have a reason. I was watching the anime(OVA) and I say the part where Yumie and Heinkel were debating over what to do with Integra. Yumie wanted to tie her up and Heinkel just wanted to shoot her. Eventually, Anderson just came in and told them to stop acting like rapists. I just took a joke a step further and defined your character by it.

Yumie:…

Alucard: Author, I'm going to have to kill you for destroying my chair.

Wolf: Ha! You can't because I'm going to New York for a DECA trip.

Felicity: Can I come? I always wanted to-

Wolf: Don't say it. I'm saving that for the Christmas chapter. Anyway, hope you enjoyed the chapter and sorry for any errors I missed, but I'm rushed to edit so I can get it before Saturday. As my friend would say, Ciao.


	5. What Lurks in the Dark

**Wolf: I'm back from New York! Bask in my awesomeness for I have seen the Blue Man Group and it was awesome.**

**Alucard: If you show us any pictures…I will make your death VERY slow.**

**Wolf: I didn't take any photos, Alucard. Just want to say it was great.**

**Felicity: Someone want to help me with the monster situation? We've been standing here for over a day now and Hans is having a growling contest with it.**

**Wolf: Fine. *Evil laugh once more* I would like to thanks all my readers for giving Millennium's New Cat 62 views on Friday, the most views I've had in a single day! You people are great.**

"What is that thing? I have great night vision, but I can't see it." Rip said as she aimed her pistol in the direction she assumed the creature was.

_I don't know, but as long as we don't get separated we will be fine. _Hans thought to them in a reassuring manner. Sadly, Rip did not agree with this idea.

"Lerooooooy Jenkins!" She screamed and fired randomly in front of her while running out of the hangar at full tilt. Hans rolled his eyes, although no one could see it in the pitch black of the hangar, and grabbed Felicity with his free hand.

_Don't do exactly what she did._

"I know that. I have seen Alien._"_ Felicity wrenched her hand free and did a full 360 with her shotgun at the ready, trying to pinpoint the thing that was in the room. _Wish I had a motion tracker. _"But we have to find Rip and the others before something spooky go's down." Hans' heart skipped a beat.

_Did you just jinx us?_

"Oh fuck me I did." As she said this, a girlish scream could be heard from the passageway Rip went down. Hans and Felicity ran with reckless abandon, completely ignoring the creature that was just a foot away from them and ready to pounce. It tilted its head to the side in confusion before stalking off after its prey.

"AH!" The girlish scream filled the air once again as the werewolf and human continued running, there path illuminated by dull, red emergency lights along the walls that barely illuminated the floor. Felicity was starting to be left behind by Hans when she tripped on something. Hans spun around and was at her side with his sidearm ready for anything that could jump out at them.

"What the hell did I trip on?" Felicity growled. She got up to look and found she tripped on the body of Doc. She looked him over found a few bite marks over his legs and arms. Hans saw this to and readjusted his grip on his gun. Before she could go into an in depth examination, a growl was heard from the passage they came from.

_Come on. We have to find Rip and the others._ Hans grabbed Felicity and pulled her back down the hall. The creature that had been patiently waiting just out of sight walked up to Doc, noting his shallow breathing and the slow rise and fall of his chest, before nibbling on his arm. Doc's eye snapped open but closed soon after. The creature twitched its tails in irritation as it removed its saber teeth from the man's arm.

"Bad food. Need good food." It slinked off to follow Felicity in hopes of finding better food.

Rip was crying as she ran for her life. She was reaching a junction when a hand shot out from an ajar door and slammed against her mouth. Rip's first guess was that Felicity was giving her that prize she earned catching cats, but she was thankful that turned out to be wrong. She was pulled into the room and spun around to find Zorin was the one holding her. They were in a broom closet with The Major and Tublacain Alhambra leaning against the back shelves with their respective weapons ready.

"Ms. Winkle? Where have you been?" The Major asked as he holstered his Luger. Alhambra lowered his cards as well.

"We went with Felicity to go cat hunting in Rome." The Major looked rather confused by all of this. "She said you allowed her to take the zeppelin."

"What?!" Zorin, Alhambra, and The Major shouted, then immediately covered their mouths.

"I didn't allow anything of the sort. Someone hit me from behind and the next thing I know, I'm tied up in this closet. Zorin and Alhambra came in a few hours later and untied me. I was going to leave and find out who hit me when these two _vampires_ tell me some monster is killing my men and they're too afraid to deal with." He said vampires in a mocking manner.

"You didn't see it, Major. It was a vicious beast and I saw it take out five men in as many seconds." Alhambra told him.

"How could you see anything when you're so busy running away." Zorin scoffed.

"Enough!" Rip shouted and then proceeded to slam her hands over her mouth. "We are soldiers, and as such we should have a level of professionalism. Now does anyone know what this thing looks like?"

"I do." The group turned to see a soldier sitting in the corner.

"How long have you been there?" Zorin asked.

"Mam, I was with you when you came in here. It's me, Private Kenny. I wear the snazzy red shirt and sharpen your scythe for you. I've had a crush on you since the fifties." He pointed to his shirt with an inverted V on his left breast. He had blonde hair and blue eyes and was by all regards the perfect Aryan, although it is a common and unremarkable set of traits in Millennium.

"Never heard of you." He was heartbroken at her rejection, but after a few reassuring pats from Rip, managed to give his report.

"It was four feet tall and black as Zorin's heart." Kenny was not handling the rejection well. The eye on Zorin's hand slowly opened, but she stopped herself from lashing out against the soldier. "It had five tails that trashed around as it mauled my friends. The creature had two sets of bright blue eyes, one pair over the other and gleaming fangs that went past its jaw. It was fast and ran along the walls and ceiling. The strongest men we had went down with a single bite." He visibly shook as some memory flashed through his head.

"It's okay boy. Take your time." The Major said with what compassion he could muster.

"No sir, I have to say it. That creature was a….a…"

"Hans, we left the cats behind. We have to go back before that creature gets them!" Felicity wailed as Hans dragged her along.

_Would you actually leave Rip behind to wander the base by herself just to check on your cats?_

"I'm sure she can handle herself, but the cats are defenseless. Oh, and the TV is also all alone!"

_And safely stored aboard an armored zeppelin. Now get over your obsession with your fucking cats and think about someone else for a change!_ Hans was in her face and sick of Felicity putting animals above people, well vampires, but the point still stands. Her concerned and worried demeanor shifted to one of an emotional void as Hans held her.

"It's how my persona is supposed to act. If I don't, then people will get suspicious." She replied coldly.

_Suspicious of what?_ Felicity pulled Hans down to her level, with a level of force that surprised Hans, and whispered into his ear.

"That I'm a sociopath. If they find out, I go back to the white room." She pushed off of him and walked a ways down the hall before turning back to Hans, her normal cheery self. The way she changed quicker than Rip was what got Hans.

"C'mon, let's go find Rip. If anyone is going to make her cry out, it will be me." She laughed to herself before skipping down the hall, shotgun in hand and a confused Hans slowly following.

_I'm going to get to the bottom of this girl if it kills me. _He thought to himself. He was pulled out of his own plotting when he heard something coming up behind him. He whirled around and trained his gun on the black silhouette that was approaching him.

_Who are you?_

"I'm hungry. Are you good food?" The outline asked as it pounced. Hans round housed kicked the creature out of the air and into the wall. It landed on its feet, but Hans had it in his sights and emptied his magazine into the dazed creature. He raised his gun to his lips and blew on the smoking barrel when he was sure the job was done.

"Hans. You okay?" Felicity asked as she jogged back to him.

_Yeah, I just took care of our stalker so finding the others should be a lot easier._

"What stalker? I don't see anything." Hans pointed to the corpse, but to his surprise found it was gone.

_It was just there. I swear that thing should have been dead._

"Ah, I know where it is." Before Hans could ask how the human would beat a werewolf at tracking, she delivered a kick to his back with enough force to knock him to the ground a few feet away. Felicity grinned madly and raised her shotgun to the ceiling, right into the face of the creature Hans thought he killed. "It's always on the ceiling." She pulled the trigger and blew off the creatures offending head, followed by most of its spine when she shot the back. It lost its grip on the ceiling and fell to the floor. Felicity aimed just past its hind legs and split the creature into two pieces. She slung her weapon and threw one half of the creature back down the hall they came from. Hans had ducked under the flying torso and looked at the girl.

_Think that will be enough?_

"I figure if it works on necromorphs, then it will work on some mystery monster."

"That hurt. Maybe you be good food after all." The creature's voice said from the darkness. Felicity sighed and looked down to find the un-thrown half of the monster was gone, along with the blood. She didn't even bother looking to where the voice came from.

"Hans, we need to get to Doc's lab." Hans finished reloading and turned away from the creepy voice's origin.

_We are kind of busy here. Is it really important?_

"Yes, because I know what this thing is and how to deal with it. So less talking, more running and gunning!" She fired and Hans hugged the wall to dodge the spread of her buckshot as she sprinted down the halls once again, with a massive grin plastered across her face.

_That hurt._ The creature thought as it ducked under Felicity's parting shot. _The girl and dog actually hurt me. Maybe they will be good food._ It sat down and started licking itself. _Mom always told me to wash my paws before I eat_. It smiled hungrily as it finished and casually walked after the duo that had fled from it.

"The creature was a…a…a…a…" Kenny had continued to stammer for the last few minutes.

"Alright, he is useless. Can we go out and kill this thing on our own." Zorin asked. The Major was about to approve her request when Kenny snapped out of his trance.

"You can't kill it!" Zorin was offended he would question her combat skills and had her scythe to his throat.

"Why? I want to know before I decapitate you."

"It can't die. We shot it, we fragged it, one guy even ripped it limb from limb, but it always came back. The cat wouldn't die!" He cried and buried his head between his knees.

"Cat?" Rip said in confusion. "Does that mean what I think it does?"

"I'm afraid so, first lieutenant. We now know exactly who caused this and know it is time we make our move." The Major opened the door to the broom closet and left, followed by his men and Kenny. "This has gone on long enough you cat loving maniac."

"Give me a minute to find something. Be sure to keep an eye out for that creature." Felicity called over her shoulder.

_What is it you're looking for?_ Hans asked as he slammed the bulkhead door closed. There were filing cabinets and desks along the walls, and a few operating tables with over head lamps still on in the center of the room

"A present for our friend out there." She was frantically digging through drawers around the room. Hans scanned the room and noticed something unusual for the room.

_Is that what you are looking for?_ He pointed towards a table in the back. Felicity squealed her eyes followed his outstretched arm.

"My new shells! I knew that mad doctor could do it." She jumped for joy and opened one of the thirty boxes of shotgun shells on the table. Each box held sixteen shells so she wouldn't have to worry about running out anytime soon. She removed her current shells and loaded the new ones. She filled her pockets with some extras in case the need arises. While she did this, the creature had started attacking the door outside and was rending the metal with its large incisors.

_So can we kill that thing now?_ Hans backed away from the door as it was about to be breached.

"Kill it? We can't kill that guy, even with my new shells." Hans looked ready to kill her himself when the creature squeezed through a hole it cut in the door. "Just hold it off while I keep looking, and try not to get bitten~"

Hans growled and tried to raise his gun, but the creature wouldn't get gunned down twice. It dashed forward and got under the cumbersome barrel of Hans' pistol before he could fire. Hans kneed it in the face as it jumped. The creature did a flip in the air and landed on its feet. It rolled to the side to dodge several bullets aimed for its head and dashed forward again. Hans smirked and got ready to ready to kick it when the creature ran right **past** him. Two tails shot out wrapped around his leg. With a toothy grin, the creature used creature used its momentum to bring Hans to the ground.

_Son of a bitch. That thing is fast._ Hans had reached a sitting position when the creature made its move. It jumped onto a filing cabinet, allowing it to tower over the fallen werewolf and then back flipped off of it. Its hind paws grazed the ceiling and kicked off, propelling him towards Hans who could only stare in awe as the creature opened its gaping maw to chomp down on him.

"Not so fast kitty cat." Felicity swung her shotgun by the barrel, hitting the creature dead center and knocking it onto an operating table. It dug its claws in and landed on all fours, the overhead light revealing all of its features that had been previously masked by the darkness of the base. "I've got a present for you." Hans smiled from behind the collar of his great coat.

_Finish it!_

Felicity reached into her front pocket to pull out something Hans couldn't see. The cat, as Hans now realized, tensed in anticipation of what she was reaching for. In a painfully slow manner, she pulled out a can of tuna.

"You're hungry, right? I think you will find this tastes better than people." She pulled off the top and slid the can to the cat.

_What are you doing? It almost killed me!_ Hans thought to her.

"Arthur was just hungry. That is why he kept biting people."

_Arthur?_

"I fed him so I name him." She scratched Arthur behind the ear as he ate.

_Why didn't he eat the people whole rather than just biting them?_

"You taste bad. This taste good." Arthur said in between bites of tuna.

"That's right Arthur. Don't eat people, eat fish." Felicity hopped onto the table and nuzzled Arthur.

"You've tamed it!" The cat stopped eating and looked up to see Doc standing in the doorway. It cringed in distaste as it remembered how the man tasted and went back to eating. "That was brilliant thinking my dear."

_Weren't you dead?_

"The creature secrets a venom that puts its victims to sleep. It can even put a vampire into a sleep like state. Oh I will oh so enjoy dissecting the creature." Felicity stopped nuzzling Arthurs neck and pointed her weapon at Doc.

"You won't be touching Arthur. You can have the cats I brought you, but not this one." Doc's excitement quickly turned annoyance.

"I created this monster and I can do whatever I want with it!"

"That is neither of your decisions." The Major said as he, Zorin, Alhambra, and Kenny walked in, pushing Doc farther into his lab.

"We have come to make you pay for all the trouble had here, you cat obsessed freak." The Major was furious, his half smile missing and in its place was a deep scowl. Felicity raised her shotgun in self-defense.

"Fuck the police; you'll never take me alive!" She fired one of her new rounds. A single slug, rather than her previous buckshot, sailed out of the barrel and imbedded itself into the chest of a shocked Kenny, who was knocked to the ground by the force of the impact. Felicity felt the sudden urge to brag about her new toy.

"Hollowed out silver slug with a chewy filling of iron oxide and aluminum and a two point five second timer on the ignition system." Felicity purred through her wicked smile. "If you're wondering, iron oxide and aluminum combine to make thermite~" She looked at the imaginary watch on her wrist. "It has now been two point four seconds." Kenny let out wordless scream as his chest became brighter than the sun and his body was engulfed in fire. Rip, Hans, and Alhambra stared in horror. Zorin, Doc, and Felicity watched it all in sadistic glee. Only The Major remained neutral in all of this, face caught between the smile he is known for and the frown he recently wore. When the fire finally died down and you could actually look at Kenny without going blind, there was a hole where his chest was that cut through the metal of the floor beneath him. The flesh had been melted off of his skin and the body was unrecognizable.

"_My god, you killed Kenny. You bastard!" _Hans got off the floor and looked ready to throttle Felicity.

"I had no choice. He wore a red shirt **and** was named Kenny." Felicity said as she resumed scratching Arthur. The cat monster had decided to take a nap after he finished his meal and was leaning up against Felicity.

"That was quite the show, my dear, but we still have the matter of dealing with the doctor." The Major nodded to his surviving men and they quickly grabbed, bound, beat, and dragged him out of his lab with the kind of precision that only comes from doing something many times.

"So he was the cat obsessed freak. Thought you were talking about me for a minute there." Felicity chuckled nervously, now coming down from her cat and weapon upgrade induced high. The Major walked over and examined Arthur, who sniffed the man before going back to his nap.

"Originally, but I think it applies to both of you at the moment. You know you will also be punished for this."

"Ugh…what is it this time?" The Major's half smile returned.

"You can keep your new ammunition, but you give up the cats, including Arthur." Felicity protectively clung to her new friend.

"I won't let you kill him!" Felicity glared down at the small man from her position on the table.

"No, that would bring too much joy to the doctor. I just want you to find him a good home. Do you know anyone who could care for it?" Felicity pondered this for a while, and it wasn't until the power came on several minutes later did she get an idea.

"Major, I know just who to call. I'll just need a little help from Schrodinger." She turned to Arthur. "I'm going to bring you to a close friend. She will take care of you, so be good and help her out."

Seras was having a bad day. Integra had chewed master out for nearly murdering Vincent, and when Alucard is miserable, he makes sure everyone else too. He made insane requests of Walter, asking for dozens of new guns and then fed them to the hound of Baskerville right in front of the poor butler. He stole every last cigarette the Wild Geese had, sending them all into nicotine withdrawal. For Integra, he tilted every last painting he saw and sent love letters to Enrico Maxwell under her name. Seras had the bed her friend Cat Girl bought her two weeks ago burned and thrown off the roof.

_I just broke it in too._ She sighed before opening the door to her room. To her surprise, an almost human sized wooden box was in her room, right next to a new bed. On it was a letter. The door closed behind her as she opened and read the letter.

_Dear Seras,_

_I thought you might be lonely at Hellsing so I got you a friend. His name is Arthur. Make sure to feed him tuna and he won't cause any trouble. He can't die so Alucard won't be able to get rid of him. Also, saw that the bed was missing and that your lawn was scorched so I brought a replacement. The former owner helped me test a new tool that is a real fire starter and won't need it._

_P.S._

_Ask Arthur to help you sleep._

_From,_

_Cat Girl_

Seras didn't know what to make of the letter. "How did she get in here with that giant box?" she asked to no one in particular. Still, she was more curious than cautious so she went over and pried the top of the box. She was about to begin on the sides when a black shape jumped out of the box and landed in a sitting position on Seras' new bed. Seras took a defensive posture, ready for an impending attack. Arthur remained motionless on her bed, occasionally twitching a few his tails. He grew tired of waiting and decided to try dialogue.

"Are you friend?" Seras jumped.

"You can talk!" With her job, she wasn't too surprised by the multiple eyes or tails, but somehow a talking cat was too much for her.

"Yes, I talk. Are you friend?" Seras was slowly reaching out toward Arthur, transfixed by the blue in its eyes that so much resembled hers. Arthur licked her outstretched hand causing her let out a small squeak as she saw his teeth. It was looking into a mirror, albeit a carnival mirror.

"I'm a friend." She lay down on her new bed next to Arthur. Then she remembered the post script on the letter. "Um… can you help me sleep?"

"Yes, even though you taste bad."

"Wh-" She was cut off as Arthur lightly bit down on her arm. Seras would have asked why the hell he did that, but she was starting to feel very sleepy for the first time since she became a vampire.

"Just relax. People are friends, not food." He curled up next to her. Seras drifted off to sleep, and this time the ghouls, vampires, and even the spirit of Harkonnen that haunted whatever sleep she had were driven off by a big cat with blue eyes.

**Felicity: I lost all the cats! You bastard author, I'll kill you. I don't care if Seras got a sappy ending; I just want my fucking cats!**

**Wolf: I'm letting you keep a seventy inch TV and all your new thermite rounds, be happy or I kill of Rip and you end up with Yumie and HEINKEL!**

**Heinkel: What is so bad about me?**

**Wolf: Raise your hand if at one point you thought Heinkel was a guy.**

**Everyone:*Raises hand, including Yumie***

**Heinkel: E tu Yumie?**

**Wolf: Anyway, hope you enjoyed. Next chapter will probably have Felicity explaining why she is messed up and Hellsing will actually begin their search for Felicity. However, you will have to wait for that update because I'm making a change. I will now stagger my updates so after this I will do a chapter of The Mercenaries and after than will be Millennium's New Cat. So updates will be slowed, but if you've been waiting for my DGM story, I'm taking it off hiatus. Hope you enjoyed and please review.**

**Arthur: People are friends, not food.**


	6. A Glimpse Into Madness

**Wolf: And we're back! I know I said I would do a chapter of The Mercenaries, but I figure I'll do this until Christmas, go on a short break to play Assassin's Creed 3, Far Cry 3, Dragon's Dogma(Fun game, seriously try it out. Pretty environment, enjoyable combat, and is all around a good game. Story isn't great and I don't care for most characters, but running around at night while fending off a giant chimera, a pack of dire wolves, and zombies is insane) maybe Black Ops 2 if I get some cash or a gift card and fell like putting myself through that hell again. When all that is done, I'll see what story I'm in the mood to write.**

**Felicity: You're abandoning us, and after all I've given up for you!**

**Wolf: but…**

**Seras: She's right, Wolf. You can't just screw everyone over like that.**

**Wolf: Seras, I just gave you a friggin cat monster that can help a vampire sleep, something Alucard can't do without screwed up nightmares that make NO SENSE! Nonetheless, I shall make with the cheery crap right after this chap, although Rip might want to find a therapist and support group when it is done. * Evil laugh while Rip runs from Felicity***

Hans couldn't handle it anymore. After all the crap he's had to deal with since Felicity came here, Arthur was the last straw.

_I am going to walk right into her room and find out what the fuck is wrong with her before she blows up the whole base and kills us all!_He kept his offhand close to his Mauser in case things went bad. He stopped just outside of her doorway, the door wide open and swung inward, and listened for signs of activity inside. When he didn't hear anything, he entered the room. Felicity was asleep in her bed. She almost looked innocent, if not for the shotgun leaning against her bed that was just within reach of her. Hans carefully grabbed the weapon, wary not to wake her, and tossed it onto the couch.

_Wake up!_ He 'yelled' at her. Felicity rolled over so she was facing him and Hans could see she was clutching a plushy that looked oddly like Rip, without pants. _If I couldn't smell that you're a virgin I'd say you were a sex offender._ Hans thought privately.

"No Rip; get the chocolate syrup, not the honey." Felicity said in her sleep. Hans rolled his eyes and poked her forehead. Felicity slowly opened her eyes, and the first thing she saw was the extended barrel of a Mauser.

_I want to have a talk with you, so don't do anything stupid._ Hans might have been a bit paranoid pointing a gun at her, but she does have a history of resorting to violence.

"Can I at least put some pants on?" Hans lifted her comforter and was immediately slapped by Felicity, who was only wearing her shirt and scarf. Hans turned around and sat down on the couch while she got out of bed and rifled through her chest for a clean pair of undergarments and pants. _Not how I expected to wake up, and of all people it had to be Hans. Would have been happier if it had been Zorin. _Hans noticed Felicity visibly shake. _Actually I would not have been happier. I would be puking my guts out._ Felicity left that train of thought to die in a ditch as she finished dressing and spun around to face him.

"_Now can we talk?" _Even though he was seated, he still had his gun raised.

"What do you want to talk about, Hans?" Felicity grinned wolfishly as she sat at the end of her bed, occasionally eyeing her shotgun that was next to Hans.

_What are you?_

"I'm just your average 19 year old girl with a thing for other girls."

_Not that. I'm talking about you being a sociopath._ Hans resisted the instinctual urge to shoot as her face slipped back into that of an emotional void. An emotional enemy is predictable, but someone like her is as dangerous as any vampire. _Now I'm thinking like she is already the enemy._ He thought to himself.

"What do you want to know?"

_Why are you like this?_ She laughed, but it was cold and without humor.

"I suppose I can tell you, but first thing first." She turned from Hans to the doorway. "You might as well come in now. I don't feel like repeating myself." Hans raised an eyebrow as Schrodinger, Rip, and The Major walked in. Hans knew Alhambra and Zorin were busy guarding Doc after the Arthur incident.

_Major? Why were you spying? I can get the other two, but you don't seem the type._ Hans put away his gun as The Major took a seat next to him, moving the shotgun to the floor. Schrodinger sat on the floor while Rip leaned against the barren wall opposite the couch. It was barren because they had yet to install the TV.

"It wasn't my intention to, Captain, but when I found most of my senior staff all outside Felicity's room, my own curiosity overcame me." He chuckled lightly before all eyes turned back to Felicity.

"Can we get this over with, because I would like to go to back to bed?" She asked, perturbing Schrodinger and Rip with her indifference. "And wouldn't mind Rip coming along with me." That gave Schrodinger some comfort, but only made Rip inch towards the doorway.

_Let's get it over with_.

"Fine, we will start at the beginning. I believe it all started when I was just four, living in Miami, Florida with my mother."

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"And if you need to call me in case of an emergency, my number is on the fridge." Jane Morgan told the woman she hired as a nanny before going to work. The nanny sighed before returning to the coach she oh so loved. She put on Jeopardy and was just starting to enjoy herself when a child started to cry from the second floor. That child was a young Felicity, me. The nanny, Lela, was an older woman of Hispanic descent who didn't like this kind of work, but it was the only job someone with almost no skills like herself could do. Except being a drug mule for Columbian drug runners and then skimming off the drugs to feed her own addiction.

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"That's eerily specific." Kenny said from his spot on the floor next to Schrodinger. Felicity looked slightly irritated he was here, while the others wondered when he snuck in here.

"Well the police report was very detailed; now let me continue with the story."

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She eventually couldn't hear Alex Trebek over the sound of my crying, so she began her ascent up the stairs to my room. She didn't even make it half way up the stairs when the door was kicked down. Men hiding their faces with bandanas came in and dragged her out to a waiting car. I was taken as well, probably to ensure no witnesses.

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"But you were a four! How could you remember anything?" Kenny interrupted.

"Will you wait till I finish the story before asking any question? Actual, just listen and don't ask questions." Felicity was showing great restraint and Kenny was completely ignorant of it. He still shut up long enough for her to continue.

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We had ended up in a shipping container, the two of us trapped in the box with little light coming in from the outside. Lela was praying fervently in Spanish the entire time. When a man wielding a chainsaw finally came in, I was relieved I didn't have to hear her prattle on anymore. Lela, however, was not.

"Please don't kill me! I'm sorry I took the drugs! I'm sorry!" She pleaded at the man's feet.

"We don't forgive." The man kicked her, sending Lela to the far end of the container while I remained near the door. The man's face was concealed, but somehow I knew he was smiling under that bandana. He started up the chainsaw and approached the cowering nanny, savoring her cries of terror. When the tension was beyond bearable and her pleas reached a fever pitch, he brought the chainsaw down on her shoulder. Lela managed to scream even louder and that only encouraged the man to cut with further zeal. I watched this all with odd fascination, part of me knowing this is wrong and another part reveling in it. Lela's screams soon died out, but the blood didn't stop flowing, nor did the man's cutting.

The blood pooled around my sitting figure, and only seemed to rise until it spilled out of the gap between the door and container. The blood was sticky between my fingers as my hands idly ran through it. A sudden quiet enveloped the box and I looked up to see the man standing over her, his chainsaw powered off. I looked up at him with my big green eyes, not yet obscured by unruly bangs. I had expected him to begin cutting me up, but instead he rested a blood soaked hand on my head before walking out, leaving the door open as he left.

I stayed there in the container for several hours, not really wanting to get out, but the police arrived and 'rescued' me. The man had called the police anonymously and told them where to find the girl. I was catatonic for weeks after that incident. The doctors said I was in shock, but in reality, I just missed the blood.

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"And that is how I became a sociopath. Well, I was probably just born like it, but that was one of two events that really put me on this path of mine." Felicity paused to catch her breath while everyone let what she said set in. "Anything else?"

_What was the white room?_ Hans asked. Everyone was still contemplating what Felicity told them and weren't ready for another flashback.

"You see, Hans, the accountant wasn't the first person I had killed. There were several people before him and I was quite good at it." She fell back onto her bed, leaving her legs hanging over the edge. "Until I was caught. I had gotten careless and the police caught me trying to dump a body in ocean."

"Then how are you not in prison, my dear?" The Major asked.

"But I was!" Felicity jumped off the bed and was standing in front of Schrodinger and Kenny. "My mom got the best lawyer in town for me, and he was good. He got me off using the classic insanity defense, but that meant I had to go to a place worse than any jail." She wrapped her arms around herself and shook. "A mental hospital, till I was medically sound of mind. A maximum security prison would have been a kindness compared to that hellhole, where you are seen as incompetent and deluded."

"Did you stage some daring escape?" Schrodinger asked. "I love those prison break movies." Felicity turned to him with a look of pity. She didn't like bursting his bubble

"No, Schrodinger, I didn't escape. I was there from my twelfth to my fifteenth birthday. A near constant stream of drugs was running through my system for the first two years. It's amazing I never considered suicide." She laughed bitterly. She released her hold on herself and walked up next to Rip. "I eventually learned that the only way out is to lie until it is impossible for the physiatrists to tell them apart from the truth. I was released a few days after my fifteenth birthday, and my parents tried to act like nothing had changed. They still bickered with and insulted each other, but loved me unconditionally. Yet, I could see that they watched me harder than they did before. They would never let me have a pet or go out with friends, not that I had any. Dad tried even harder to force religion on me, but that only pushed me towards being an agnostic. I was plotting my escape when my dad ran over Hans, and you know the rest." Felicity leaned against the wall and slid to the floor as she finished speaking. Half the room was in tears, while Hans and The Major only showed sympathy through their eyes. Rip even went so far as to get on the floor and hold Felicity, although reluctantly.

"Does that answer all your questions, Captain?" The Major could barely maintain his half smile as he spoke. Hans only nodded before getting up and leaving. He felt ashamed he brought up her past like that, at gun point and in front of everyone.

_We all have skeletons in the closet, and she just showed us hers._

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"Seras, what is that creature and why are you not killing it?" Integra had trouble staying calm when Seras interrupted her meeting with Alucard. Alucard was just telling Integra that he learned nothing from his 'interrogation' of Vincent when his fledgling walks in with Arthur close behind.

"Sir Integra, this is Arthur-"

"I don't care what its name is, just kill it!" Integra glared at Alucard to do something. With his trademark grin, he pulled out the Casull and shot Arthur in one smooth motion.

"Problem solved, my master. Now to punish the Police Girl."

"Not quite, Master." Seras said confidently as Integra gave her a queer look, until the corpse disappeared and Arthur was sitting at her side.

_Shit! I blinked and missed it._ Integra thought to herself.

"Alright, just elaborate on why that…thing…is here." Alucard was furious and wanted nothing more than to keep shooting Arthur, but Integra stopped him with a glance.

"You know that I've been going out on Fridays since Vincent came. Well, I've been meeting with a friend."

"You don't have friends, Police Girl." Alucard pointed out with a snicker.

"You're right master! I didn't have any friends because they were all eaten by ghouls and then tried to eat me!" She nearly shouted, but caught herself. Alucard was still her master and Integra her masters master. "Then I met Cat Girl."

"Cat Girl? What kind of alias is that, Police Girl?" Integra had a small smile as Alucard said this.

"I don't believe you're in a position to comment on aliases, Dracula." She even went as far as pulling a hand mirror, paper, and pen from out her desk. She wrote 'Alucard' on the paper and when Seras looked in the mirror, she saw that his name spelled backwards was indeed 'Dracula'. "Continue." Integra instructed as she put away the mirror.

"Well, we've been meeting every Friday. At first I was drawn by the smell of a vampire, but it turned out to be that her scarf was drenched vampire blood. She knew all about vampires and Hellsing, she even met you, master, at some point." Alucard raised an eyebrow as he formed a chair made of shadows. He had the urge to ask Walter for some popcorn as Seras continued her story.

"I didn't know what to make of her, but then we started talking and she used my real name. For the first time since I joined Hellsing, I felt normal."

"And Cat Girl gave you this…Arthur?" Integra asked, slightly annoyed she went into a long, all most irrelevant dialogue on her only friend.

"Yes Sir Integra, she did. She also bought me a bed." Seras shot Alucard a dirty look and for some reason Integra thought of the charred wreck that is still on the front lawn. "After it went missing, she somehow got a second bed and a large box containing Arthur into my room while I was out."

"What?!" Integra shouted, causing Seras to jump like a frightened rabbit.

"I don't know how she did it. I asked Walter if he delivered me any packages, but he had no clue what I was talking about." Integra pinched the bridge of her nose before pulling out a fresh cigar and lighting it.

"Can you describe this girl?"

"Yeah. She has red hair and bangs that obscure the top half of her face most of the time. Her eyes were green so I don't think she is a vampire. Wears jeans, sandals, a blood red scarf, and a shirt with a cat on it. There were the words 'LIKE A BOSS' printed on it."

"Alucard, you are going to follow the Police Girl next time she meets Cat Girl and find out everything she knows."

"You can't send master!" Seras pleaded._ I need an actual reason. _"I mean, she has already met you before so she will get spooked if she sees you."

"I can simply change form, Police Girl." He looked as though he was going to demonstrate when Integra stopped him.

"I don't want to take any chances. We should send an actual human along with Seras."

"I don't think sending Walter with her will put the girl at ease, master." Alucard told her.

"We aren't sending Walter. Have you already forgotten our French friends?" Integra and Alucard slowly turned their head to Seras, the light reflecting off their glasses. Seras gulped, knowing exactly who they meant.

"Please don't. I can't handle anymore sexual harassment!" But Integra had already picked up and dialed the number on her phone.

"Walter, please send up Mr. Bernadotte." Seras grabbed hold of Arthur and squeezed him with enough strength to fracture several of his ribs. He didn't mind because it meant he gets more tuna later.

"Now Police Girl, when are you next meeting Cat Girl?" Seras stopped squeezing for a moment.

"We are meeting at a small diner on Christmas. So can I keep Arthur?"

"Is it house trained and can it do anything?" Integra asked.

"I haven't seen him pee since he came here. As for doing something, I'll need master's help with a small demonstration." She grinned sheepishly as Alucard got out of his shadow chair and glided over to her.

"Hello." Arthur said. Alucard wasn't impressed.

"We don't have a use for a talking cat. Anything else?" Seras huffed before getting an idea.

"Arthur, help Alucard sleep." Alucard was too busy wondering why she used his name to notice the cat dart out and bite his hand. Alucard raised said hand up to his face, with the cat still holding on.

"You are both dead." Alucard reached into his coat and was going to pull out the Jackal, but had trouble keeping his eyes open.

"What…did…you…..do?" Alucard fell to the floor, much to Integra's surprise.

"Arthur can put people to sleep." Seras told her while stepping over the fallen No-Life King.

"Are you saying whenever Alucard is being…Alucard, I can just put him to sleep with Arthur?"

"Yup." She looked ready to jump over her desk and kiss the cat, but being Integra, settled for a small grin as she acknowledged Arthur.

"Welcome to Hellsing, Arthur."

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"So are you guys happy know? I've got no more secrets left to tell." Felicity said as she stared at the ceiling, still slumped against the wall. Rip was still holding her and the silence was driving everyone up the wall.

"I'm going to…destroy some stuff." Schrodinger walked out, his silver knife removed from its sheath.

"I'll go stop him." Kenny told no one in particular and followed him. Somehow, everyone knew that it would end horribly. Rip seemed like the next to leave, but Felicity grabbed her arm.

"Don't go." She whimpered. Rip had no choice but to stay behind. That only left The Major.

"I believe I'll take my leave now. Thank you for talking with us." He gave a slight bow to the catatonic girl and the sniper before leaving. As he passed through the doorway, he thought he saw something out of the corner of his eye. As Rip held Felicity close, the girl had the briefest of smiles, there one second and gone the other. She buried her face in Rip's chest as The Major entered the hallway, stepping over the corpse of Kenny. Appears he couldn't stop Schrodinger and was carved up by his knife. The Major thought over what he heard today and what he just saw.

"I don't know if we are the ones using her, or if she the one using us. Either way this will make a terrific war."

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**Kenny: You stole Felicity's origin story from Dexter and killed me again! Am I just some running joke were I die nearly ever chapter?**

**Wolf: Schrodinger, I'll give you Zorin's scythe for an hour if you use it on Kenny.**

**Schrodinger: Yay! I get to be the Bay Harbor Butcher.*Chases Kenny***

**Felicity: So do I get some sociopath powers or something? I don't feel more awesome. Although I do have Rip in my clutches, and she will be mine in mind, body, and soul! MWAHAHAHAHA!**

**Wolf: Yeah, you do that…Anyone else scared by her rape face?**

**Rip: Me. Please review or bad things will happen and it will only be alluded to in the story. Wolf won't write it in the story, but will CONSTANTLY reference it like it is the greatest part of the entire story. So for love of my innocence, please review and keep on reading.**

**Felicity: Rip, come see the plush doll I made of you and tell me if it's anatomically accurate~**

**Rip: NO!  
**


	7. Christmas In Hellsing

**Felicity: Its Christmas…Wait, no it's not.**

**Wolf: Sorry about that, but I'm crap with predicting things. Too late now, I've been setting it up and I can't pull up now. Brace for Christmas cheer and cheeky hijinks! *Crash* Shit, I think I just hit a fat man and family of deer.**

**Schrodinger: You just killed Santa! Christmas is ruined!**

**Wolf: He's fine. I think he is getting up.**

**Yu Kanda: No he's not! Death to Christmas! *kills Santa and then cuts down the Tree of Christmas Cheer, then kills hipster Santa* Now people will leave me the fuck alone.**

**Wolf: Well Kanda has left D Gray Man and killed Santa in Hellsing. Oh fuck all kinds of duck.**

**P.S. Longest chapter I've ever done!**

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"Felicity, can I get up now? We've been sitting here since yesterday." Rip asked. She was now being clutched by Felicity, who refused to let her go. She was hoping to escape while the girl slept, but Felicity had an iron vice grip. What made matters worse was her sleep talking.

_Although I wasn't entirely opposed to the whipped cream._ She thought, and then buried the thought in the deepest, darkest recesses of her mind that she hasn't touched since she saw Alucard in his French girl form. Felicity rubbed the sleep out her eyes and checked the non-existent watch on her wrist.

"Son of a…I'm late!" Felicity jumped up and ran out her room, Rip being limply dragged behind.

"Late for what?" Rip asked as she felt her arm dislocate from her shoulder.

"I need to talk to The Major about Christmas."

_Oh god! This can't end well. _She was going to stop her, but they arrived at the control room before she got the chance. Things were…different. In front of the monitors was a large tree, covered in lights, holly, and an assortment of decorations. Doc was standing on a ladder placing ornaments with the greatest of care. Lights were strung throughout the rafters and brightened the room. Men were running to and fro, carrying presents to be placed under the tree. In his usual chair was The Major dressed in a Santa suit, minus the beard.

"Major! I love what you have done with the place." Felicity said as she spun around the room, admiring his work.

"Of course, my dear. We always go all out for Christmas. We should be done soon, and then the real festivities start." For once, The Major's grin was full of warmth. It was kind of eerie.

"Since you're in such a good mood, can I ask a favor?" Rip shook herself free from Felicity and took a few steps back from her to avoid the fallout.

"That depends on the favor." He leaned back in his chair.

"Well you know I've been spying on Hellsing and meeting with Alucard's fledgling, Seras, for a couple of weeks now." The Major nodded. "Well I was thinking we could go a step further with Seras."

"Shouldn't you be doing that with Rip?" He chuckled while Rip just blushed and took a sudden interest in looking at her feet.

"Not like that. I've only got eyes for my Rip." The Major noted she emphasized the word 'my'. "I was thinking we could invite her over for Christmas."

"I knew she would say something crazy, but this is just stupid."Rip mumbled.

_You think her idea is bad? Guess what the Major made me dress as._ Rip turned around and saw a brooding Hans skulk towards her. Rip burst out laughing as she his festive costume. He had a harness over his great coat, along with a set of antlers and big red nose that would periodically glow.

"Ahem!" Felicity glared at the two. "Trying to talk over here. I'll laugh at Hans once The Major approves of Seras coming here for Christmas."

"I never said I would allow it." Felicity turned to The Major, puppy dog eyes at the ready.

_Not again!_ The Major resisted as long as he could, but once she jumped onto his lap, he was had.

"Pwease."

"Fine." He sighed in defeat. Felicity gave him a peck on the cheek before jumping off.

"Good, now we just have to hide any live humans you are planning to eat."

"Felicity, my dear, why would you assume we would eat live people on Christmas of all days?" Felicity pointed towards the tree and The Major rotated his chair around. Three men dressed as elves, along with Kenny, were standing around a large pot, so big they needed a ladder to reach the lid, with a cage filled of cowering people next to it. Kenny lifted the heavy iron lid and peeked inside to check on the bubbling red stew inside. He slipped on the ladder and fell inside, the lid falling back in place as he fell.

_I'm still eating that stew_. Hans said. No one seemed to mind Kenny falling in and most of their stomachs growled in agreement.

_Cannibalism is apparently fine between vampires. _Felicity thought.

"So if you're going to serve human, please don't serve them whole. Just drain them or something, but don't serve them alive with an apple in their mouth and on a platter." She said as she turned away from the pot, which by now had stopped rocking back and forth from Kenny's struggle for life.

"Is there a reason you want to invite her over here?" The Major asked.

"Two reasons." She leaned in close, although everyone there could still hear what she said. "First, Seras has no friends and would probably have spent Christmas alone in the basement of her dingy manor."

"Okay, now what is reason number two?" Felicity raised a second finger.

"Reason two; you'll catch more bees with honey than you will with vinegar."

"What do you mean?" Rip asked. She had Hans pop her arm back into place and looked pained.

"Well, Rip." The Major used her name because he felt the holidays deserved a little less formality. "If I understand Felicity's plan correctly, she hopes to make Seras defect from Hellsing to Millennium." Rip and Hans stood there, mouth agape.

"Are you serious?" Rip stammered.

"Yup. It's a good plan if you think about it. Gives us a powerful vampire and removes Hellsing's greatest pawn from the board." She had her own trademark grin, which went so far it was partially obscured by her bangs. "Well in chess terms, she would be more of a rook, maybe a knight or bishop."

_Why would she even join us? Alucard saved her life and made her a vampire. Bonds like that aren't easily broken._ Hans was perplexed, but liked the idea of not having to kill such a young girl.

"Ah Hans, you forget! Alucard is pissed at Seras right know. She is able to leave the manor without having to be on a mission, gets a bed, and now has Arthur. These are all things he can never have and he detests her for it. Anyone can go out and see that the manor has been in disarray, even from outside the perimeter gates. With the addition of Arthur, Alucard will be even more spiteful with his attacks on Seras and the others in Hellsing. All we have to do is wait for him to snap and she will be driven into the waiting arms of her only friend." Felicity pointed both of her index fingers at herself and gave a slight bow. "And I'm sure you have someone else on the inside that can help the process along if need be."

"How did you-" Rip started.

"You wouldn't have sent me on something as important as scouting your enemy without an operative already in place. I had only been here for a day after all."

_Was this your plan, Major?_

"I had no clue, Hans. I'm just as surprised as you all are." The Major said with a shrug. "Was there a reason you kept this plan hidden from us?" He addressed Felicity.

"I just like to keep my hand close to my breast."

"I don't think that's how the saying goes…" Rip said as her vision traveled downward.

"You're looking at my breasts, aren't you?" She walked closer to Rip.

"No, I was just reading your shirt. It's very…creative." She shifted her gaze to the rafters, but Felicity put a hand on her chin and brought it back to eye level.

"It's fine, Rip. I just wish you would be more open. We'll get a chance later, I'm sure" Felicity teased and moved closer to steal a kiss while her hand drifted lower. The Major, Hans, and a now done decorating Doc stood in the background, unsure whether to give them a minute alone or keep watching. Rip, however, didn't want to put on a show.

"That's enough!" She slapped away Felicity's hand, much to her surprise. "Stop with all the flirting and shit. I don't like that and if anything, it is making me hate you!" She threw her hands up in the air and stormed out.

"Didn't see that coming." Was all Felicity could manage. Hans came up behind her and gave her a reassuring pat on the back.

_I'm sure everything will work out. You just have to take it slower with Rip. For someone with no experience, you are really aggressive in your advances._

"Why do you say I have no experience?" Hans tapped his big nose, which at that moment glowed bright red. "God I hate that nose."

_Tell me about it._ Felicity sighed and ran her hand through her hair.

"So Major, I'll go get Seras while you guys finish setting up in here." She walked out without even a parting goodbye to go find Schrodinger.

_Feel sorry for that girl. Doesn't know how to get the girl she loves._

**::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::**

"Are you sure your friend is coming?" Pip was growing impatient. Waiting in some dingy diner was not how he liked to spend his evening, especially Christmas. He preferred to spend his time with his men and a couple of cheap prostitutes, but not this year. His latest employer doesn't give holidays off, so he ended up with Seras on a mission to find a friend of hers. She was also uncomfortable wearing her Hellsing uniform in this cold weather.

_I give her a nickname and do a couple dozen cat calls and now she won't talk to me. _Pip thought.

"Yes, I'm sure she is coming. She hasn't failed me yet." She said absent mindedly.

"You say that like people fail you a lot." He propped his head up with his arm and turned to Seras from his seat next to the window.

"In a way. My coworkers were all killed and almost ate me. I wake up the next day and Integra throws me out on my first mission. I still wonder why the hell she gave a cop a sniper. It's not like we are trained in all types of weapons." Seras sighed. Those were not good days for her. "I at least hoped I could find a friend, hell I'd settle for a fellow disgruntled coworker, but everyone at Hellsing is too busy trying to stay alive, or is insane like Alucard."

"You didn't call him-"

"I do that while I'm around him and Integra. Anywhere else and he is just Alucard." Pip thought it over and then gave her a cheeky grin.

"If you ever want a friend, you can always come to me."

"I think you're looking for a friend with benefits, Pip, and I'm not that kind of girl."

"Not what kind of girl, Seras?" Seras and Pip turned the door to see Felicity enter.

"Never mind that. It's good to see you." She got up and hugged her friend. Pip looked Felicity over from his spot behind Seras.

_I give her a…8. _Pip smirked. Felicity noticed this and trailed her hands slowly over Seras' back.

"Um, Cat…"

"Just warming up. It was cold outside and just need to warm up." She finished and took a seat across from Seras and Pip. "So who is your friend?"

"I'm-" Pip was cut off as Seras stomped down on his foot under the table.

"Pip, he's a coworker. Integra sent him because she is curious about you." Felicity raised an eyebrow.

_Took them long enough._ She thought.

"Is it a good idea to just tell her out right?" Pip was still clutching his foot and counted at least two broken toes at this point.

"I owe her that much, Pip." She turned to Felicity, a warm smile gracing her features. "Before we start Integra's little interrogation, how are you?"

"I'm great, actually. Spent the night with my girl and have my other friends getting Christmas ready for us."

"Us?" Seras and Pip would have done a spit take had they been drinking anything.

"I was hoping you would come and meet my friends. They already said they would love to meet you and I'm sure Frenchy can tag along. That is, if you don't Christmas plans back at the manor." This time it was Pip who spoke up.

"There is no Christmas in Hellsing. Integra just works all night, Alucard drinks the night away, Walter goes traveling, Father Vincent is still locked up in the basement, and Integra won't let us have a Christmas tree so…" Felicity stopped listening when she heard him mention Vincent.

"Father Vincent Ira?"

"Yeah, how did you know?" Seras was curious as to how she knew her unwelcome house guest.

"He's a well-known man." Felicity left it at that. "Soooooooooo, would you like to come with me for Christmas?" Pip looked at Seras, leaving the decision to her.

_Integra did tell me to find out about her, and this will definitely let me know more._ She thought.

"Okay, Cat Girl. Let's go meet your friends. Are they close by or should we get a cab?"

"It's far, so I arranged for transport." Felicity leaned over to the window and knocked three times. On that signal, Schrodinger walked in, shaking snow off of him as he stomped inside.

"Took you long enough. I think I died of hypothermia out there." He shrugged and sat next to Felicity. He then noticed Pip and Seras where staring at him. "Oh god…yes, I have cat ears and pink eyes. Get over it!"

"You're the boy from the picture!" Seras exclaimed, and pulled the picture Seras gave her when they first met. Schrodinger snatched it out of her hand and looked it over before turning to Felicity.

"When did you take this?"

"After you finished my room. You were passed out asleep in the hallway and I couldn't resist the urge to photograph it." Felicity smirked. Schrodinger looked ready to lunge for her, but Felicity picked up a steak knife and idly played with it. Schrodinger remembered the accountant's corpse and the knife like wound in his head. Schrodinger quickly became as docile as a newborn kitten.

"Ahem." Pip coughed. "How are we getting to your party, and will there be any other woman there?" This time Seras, Felicity, and Schrodinger lashed out and kicked Pip, with the girls aiming for his shins and Schrodinger going right for his crotch.

"Our transportation, my crippled French friend, is right here." Felicity patted Schrodinger on the head, taking the time to rub his ears. He tried to pull away but felt what he assumed was a steak knife dangerously close to his own crotch.

"Is he a shofar or something?" Pip looked the kid over again.

"Fool! I shall teleport us there." Pip would have scoffed had Schrodinger not reached out and grabbed him and Seras, with Felicity grabbing hold of his ears. They teleported out of the diner, leaving behind a wide eyed waitress who has beginning to think she should stop taking her coffee Irish.

**::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::**

Rip was in her room, sitting in the corner where her record player used to be. Her face was red and it was clear she had been crying.

"Why does she have to be such an ass?" She was talking about Felicity. "She is so aggressive and I just hate that in people."

_But you love it!_ The nagging voice in her head said, the voice she called The Huntress. It was her dark passenger, constantly watching over her shoulder, waiting for when Rip was weak enough to be influenced or when Rip came running for her help.

"No I don't. I would rather she just leave me alone, or at least try and get to know me more." She reasoned.

_You like her, admit it. You go out of your way to be with her. Why else would you go hunt cats in Rome? You didn't do it when Schrodinger asked you in the 70s._

"But he spent the entire decade high on catnip!"

_Not the point you silly girl. The point is that you want to be with Felicity. Stop denying yourself and just do it. _The Huntress cooed. Rip wiped her face with the sleeve of her shirt.

"Are you sure?"

_When have I ever steered you wrong?_

"You had me shoot JFK."

_Okay, besides that._

"John Lennon."

_Shut up! Just go out and talk to Felicity or I'll do it for you!_

"Sheesh, don't need to yell at me." Rip smirked as she got up from her corner and dusted herself off.

_Just don't screw up. I've always wanted to try it with someone other than you._

"Wow there. Let's just start with a date, maybe breakfast or a movie."

_As long as that movie starts after eleven pm and is on Cinemax._

"Come on, it's Christmas. Let's take it slow and enjoy ourselves." She left to go find the party.

_You told me that fifty five years ago, and I still haven't enjoyed myself._

**::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::**

"Welcome to my home!" Felicity told her guests, who had yet to pick their jaws off the floor.

"Did we just…teleport?" Seras stammered. Felicity rolled her eyes and slammed both of their jaws shut before walking over and jumping into the Major's chair, which was pleasantly empty. Actually, the entire room was empty, except for the tree, four enormous tables that could probably accommodate the entire battalion, a special table for the senior staff and guests, and that pot that was still cooking in the back. The cage full of humans was gone, although the smell of blood still lingered.

"Yup, welcome to Millennium's Christmas Bash." Schrodinger took a place on her right armrest.

"Come on in guys!" He called. From the hallway behind the Hellsing operatives, men streamed. Half of them wore their usual uniforms while others were dressed as elves, ears and all. In between all of them, The Major stood with a sense of satisfaction. Beside him was a disgruntled Zorin, even worse off Hans, a strangely cheery Alhambra, and Doc who wore his normal attire along with a red hat.

"You have a big family, Cat Girl." Pip was impressed, and pissing himself because he's ninety nine percent sure everyone who walks by is sizing him up like a stuffed turkey. A fear stuffed turkey that some gave dirty looks at. That's right, they are going to fuck the fear turkey.

"Really? Of all the aliases, you pick Cat Girl?" The Major chastised light heartedly.

"I suppose, but it seemed fitting seeing as what everyone calls Seras." Felicity shrugged as she let The Major have his chair back. She walked over to Seras and threw an arm around her and Pip. "Since you are here, it's time to come clean on some things." Seras scowled at her.

"Cat…" She was literally growling while Pip tried to ignore the men's stares.

"To fill in your clueless friend, everyone but Schrodinger, Hans the annoyed reindeer, The Major who is dressed like Santa, and me are vampires. This means that you are among friends and should feel free to relax." She turned to Pip. "You might be boned, but just stay close to Rudolph over there and you'll be fine." Felicity pointed towards Hans.

_It's Hans, not Rudolph!_ He shouted at her, causing to Seras and Pip to jump.

"Another important thing, Hans here is a mute telepathic werewolf. Lastly, I should tell you my real name while you're here." Pushing off of them she made a grand bow and rose with her insane grin that Seras had yet to see. "I am Felicity Ira, daughter of Vincent Ira, and the latest member of Millennium." A small round of applause came out from the crowd.

"I thought you were kidnapped?" Seras was really confused. She wasn't the smartest of people, hell, she was Cockney.

"Nope. My dad's just an idiot. It's more like I kidnapped them." Schrodinger let out a nervous chuckle, but a look from Felicity silenced them.

"And the Nazis? He said, and I quote, Nazis took my daughter!" She screamed in a dead on impersonation of Felicity's dad.

"Well, it's not like they follow the Nazi ideology, it's really just a banner they were already organized under and it would scare the crap out of people if Nazis invade again." Seras was stunned. Pip had wormed out Felicity's grip was helping himself to a couple beers, figuring he was going to be dead in a minute or two, might as well die drunk and possibly groping the Seras. Where he got those beers was anyone's guess

"So you weren't kidnapped?"

"Nope. I'm here of my own free will. Now since I don't think there any questions I've left unanswered, let's eat!" Everyone rushed to the dining tables, eager for the Christmas feast. Felicity dragged Seras and Pip over to the senior staff table. Seras sat next to Felicity with the Major on her right. Pip did as Felicity told him and sat next to Hans, who had the Major to his left, but also ended up with Zorin on his other side.

_I hope he doesn't try and hit that. Will definitely sour Millennium's relationship with Seras if Zorin organizes a game of Rugby using Pip's head as the ball._

"Sorry I'm late guys. Had to do something." Felicity looked back towards the hallway and saw Rip jogging in. She sat down next to Felicity and smiled warmly. "Hey Felicity. Is that your friend?" It was Felicity's turn to taken aback, but she was happy if Rip was happy.

"Seras Victoria, meet Rip Van Winkle. Rip Van Winkle, meet Seras Victoria." Seras shakily extended a hand which Rip gladly took. Once everyone was seated and introductions were complete, The Major rose from his chair and tapped his champagne glass with a small fork.

"Welcome friends old and new, to our annual Christmas celebration. Once a year, we gather as fellow men, rather than soldiers of the rank and file, and be thankful for everything the year has provided us. Look, we now have young Felicity and the powerful Seras Victoria." Seras blushed at his praise, then realized be just said she is a part of their group. She was going to stand, but Felicity gently held her down. "These ladies will help us achieve our ultimate goal-"

"Can we just start eating?" Schrodinger whined.

"Yes, yes Schrodinger. Let us not forget the food and presents. Let us give a round of applause to one man who makes this all possible." He held an open palm in front of him and all eyes turned to the front of the room, where at least twenty men in aprons where waiting with carts laden with food, which Felicity deduced was Kenny stew. Standing in front of the giant pot was a sharply dressed butler, who kept his hair in a black ponytail and wore a monocle over his left eye. Seras' eyes shone in recognition and she leapt out of her seat.

"Walter!" The butler bent forward and adjusted his monocle as he gazed on the familiar girl. Then it hit him.

"Police Girl?" Seras fell flat on her face halfway to Walter. "What on Earth are you doing here?"

"I should be asking you! Don't tell me you're with these guys."

"Major, why is the Police Girl here?" Walter asked over her head.

"It's SERAS!" She shouted, eliciting laughs from her audience of hungry soldiers.

"I know that, but why are you here?" Walter persisted.

"I don't know anymore. First I came to get some information from a friend and I somehow ended up in a Nazi Christmas dinner and then I find out your cooking for them! Nothing makes sense anymore!" Seras clutched her head in frustration.

"It's simple, Seras. Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing's personal butler is a double agent for a surviving band of Nazi soldiers who are enemies to your current employer. We are now going to eat Christmas dinner together then open presents. Once all is said and done, you can go back if you wish." The Major told her. "Now can you please return to your seat so we can start eating?" Seras looked at him like he was crazy, but relented and returned to her seat.

"Bring on the chow!" Schrodinger yelled. Walter twitched at his choice of words and with a flick of his wrist, Schrodinger's head was removed from his shoulder and fell onto his plate. Pip did a spit take all over Zorin while Seras' eyes widened a fraction more than they already were.

"Walter, you just murdered that boy!"

"Police Girl, if you would please look again." He pointed back to where Schrodinger sat. Seras looked and saw that the head was reattached to Schrodinger and his plate was clean of blood.

"You can feel free to ask any questions you want, but let's save them for after dinner." Felicity patted her on the head. "Now let's actually start eating." Walter nodded and motioned to the men with carts. His sous chefs began dashing about, handing out bowls of a red slop.

_Well at least that people are unrecognizable._ Felicity thought with a look of distaste. She leaned closer to Rip.

"Is there any food for humans being served? I don't feel like eating Brazilian tonight." To answer her question, Walter strode over carrying a platter. On it was a very large turkey, which he then carved with a several flicks of his wrist. The Major stole the drumsticks, greedily tearing into it. Felicity took the breasts and raised her eyebrows at Rip while doing so. It then came to a three way standoff between Schrodinger, Hans, and Pip. Hans started growling, Schrodinger was hissing, and Pip was still being choked by Zorin for his previous spit take.

"Ahem!" Walter brought out a second turkey which Hans and Schrodinger ripped in half right down the middle. Pip wrenched himself free of Zorin's grip in time to see the two snatch the new turkey, leaving him the wings of the first one.

"Really hope this isn't my last meal." Pip rubbed his sore throat.

_No one else can be having as bad of a time as I am. _

**::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::**

"Anderson! Stop stabbing yourself!" Enrico Maxwell shouted at the regenerator. Anderson appeared as drunk as a skunk and had taken a sudden interest in his regeneration.

"Let him be, Max." Yumie chuckled from behind him. Maxwell spun around to reprimand his subordinate for his childhood nickname when he noticed an unconscious Heinkel on her back. Yumie was grinning ear to ear and holding a glass of egg nog.

"Yumie, what did you do this time?" Yumie chugged her egg nog and started to teeter a bit.

"I…didn't do nothing, and I'm insulted you would accuse me." Yumie huffed as though she were offended, but her grin didn't fade in the slightest. "Come on Heinkel. Let's go back to my place and do…stuff." Enrico grabbed ahold of the retreating Yumie and swiped her glass from her before giving it a sniff.

"Yumie! You spiked the drinks again. Please tell me you didn't use scotch this time."

"Of course not."

"Thank the maker."

"I used whiskey, bourbon, mead, vodka, and cider." Maxwell dropped the empty glass he was holding and slowly turned to the giant bowl of egg nog, where almost all of Iscariot was gathered and drinking from.

"Hey guys!" Yumie shouted and got the rooms attention. "Max here wants some egg nog." She pointed to Maxwell, who was soon surrounded by his drunken subordinates, one of which brought a large beer bong while Anderson single handedly carried the bowl of egg nog. Maxwell was starting to hate Christmas.

**::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::**

Alucard was sitting in a chair on the lawn of the Hellsing manor, enjoying a few bags of blood. The snow fell softly around him, but not a flake landed on his wide brim hat. He looked up and admired the moon, which shone full and bright through the clouds of the night.

"It is a wonderful night." Oddly enough, Alucard didn't entirely hate Christmas, he just preferred it alone. Integra locked herself in her office like every Christmas before this, Walter went on vacation, and Seras was sent out on a mission with Mr. Bernadotte. Things were almost perfect for the nosferatu. Almost.

"It's cold out here." Vincent whined from his seat adjacent to Alucard. Integra made Alucard swear not to hurt Vincent unless ordered or else she will throw his coffin into the wood chipper.

"Please don't ruin the moment father whatever your name is." Alucard ripped open a fresh blood pack and started drinking.

"Vincent Ire you motherfucker!" He shouted, surprising Alucard.

"You mean Vincent Ira?"

"Yes. Damn it I'm just on edge. Living in a basement with a couple of vampires for over a month wears on ones nerves."

"And the fact you're missing daughter must be taking a toll on you."

"Huh? Oh that too." Alucard felt that wherever that girl was, she was better off. Alucard turned his gaze to the moon and tried to drown out the sound of Vincent's complaining with his slurping.

_Just one shot. Can say the Casull misfired. Maybe tell Integra it was a Christmas miracle._

**::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::**

"Seras, you're not eating your stew." The Major pointed out as he finished his second drumstick.

"I'm not hungry, sir." Seras had yet to touch her stew, and all the senior staff were looking at her expectantly.

"Have you drank blood yet?" Felicity asked her in between bites of turkey, eliciting gasps of surprise from the peanut gallery.

"How could she not have drank blood yet? She is the fledging of Alucard, and he drinks it by the gallon." Zorin said as she slurped her stew. She saw a familiar blue eye ball in her spoon. Kenny's eye seemed to follow her every movement up until the point she ate it whole. Sadly, that did not count as getting to second base.

"Well I haven't been hungry enough to drink yet." Seras said with her eyes down, not accustomed to this kind of attention.

_That can't be true._ Hans said. He had wolfed down his turkey and was leaning back in his chair in satisfaction.

"Why are you lying to us?" Schrodinger asked with a toothy grin. Like Hans, he polished off his meal in record time.

"I'm not."

"Come on Seras. You can talk to us." Rip chimed in, still taking her time on her meal.

"I don't want to lose my humanity." Seras admitted.

"You can't lose what is already gone." Zorin pointed at her with her spoon. "You're a vampire, Seras Victoria. Humanity is something beyond your reach."

"That's not true. I still haven't drunk blood and haven't harmed any living people." Seras argued. Felicity rolled her eyes at her persistence.

"Seras, you are one of the nicest people I know, and being a vampire doesn't change that. Humanity or not, you are still a good person. So stop holding trying to hold onto something you don't have and eat up. That is…mostly human blood." Felicity pointed at her untouched bowl

"I don't want to…"

"Police Girl, you should eat the stew." Walter said as he stood behind the Major. "Even Sir Integra tries to get you to drink."

"Alright guys, let's not push her to do anything she doesn't want to." Felicity said in a more serious tone.

"This is a serious issue, girl. A vampire has to drink blood in order to use its powers. The only thing she gets by not drinking is being able to keep her eye color." Zorin was agitated by Seras's reluctance to drink.

"Look, I don't want to drink so let's change the subject." Felicity and a very quiet Pip nodded eagerly.

"Can we open presents know?" Schrodinger asked The Major, much to Seras's relief. The Major thought it over, before shrugging and pushing away from the table.

"Alright everyone. It's time to see what's under the tree!"

_That rhymed._ Felicity thought as she watched grown men leap over tables and run like small children towards the tree, intent on finding the presents meant for them. The table was empty save for The Major, Felicity, Rip, Seras, Walter, and Pip. Everyone else had run like dickens, even Zorin who trampled Doc to get towards the tree.

"What are you four waiting for? You do want your presents?" The Major laughed softly at their confused looks. "Don't think we didn't get anything for our guests. Get going before Schrodinger takes them for himself."

"It's true. He tries it every couple years." Rip said as she took Felicity's hand in her own and started off to find her present. Felicity grabbed the hem of Seras' skirt as Rip pulled her along, dragging the reluctant vampire along as well. Pip pulled out and lit a cigarette before following at his own pace.

Men were sitting on the ground and ripping open presents around the tree. Their eyes were full glee and even their animalistic smiles seemed childlike. Felicity saw Schrodinger not far off sitting on the shoulders of Hans, both staring intently at the boxes they held. Hans opened his first.

_You got me a coat._ Hans held out a great coat that was identical to his own.

"Check the inside." Schrodinger told him, patiently waiting to open his own present. Hans checking the inside of the coat and found there was numerous inner pockets. He reached into one of them and returned clutching a dog treat. "Do you like it?" Hans let out an inaudible groan.

_I'm a werewolf, not a dog. There is a difference. _Hans thought privately.

_Thank you for the gift. It's the thought that counts. Now open yours._ The cat boy didn't have to be told twice, and in one swift movement, tore the wrapping off the box. Inside was belt with a cat tail attached to it that matched his ears.

_Merry Christmas, Schrodinger._ Hans was smiling as the boy teleported to the floor to put it on.

Felicity turned away from the two and saw others looking over their presents. Zorin was admiring her new tattoo kit, while Doc had gotten a very shiny bone saw, and Alhambra had gotten decks of cards from many different countries, instantly taking a liking to the French deck.

Rip let go of Felicity and crawled under the tree in search of the presents. She came back holding three boxes.

"Here you go." She gave on to Pip, then Seras, and finally to Felicity.

"Excuse me, but how is there a present for me. I understand Seras, but wasn't I unexpected?" Pip was a confused and brought the box to his ear, shaking its contents.

"Walter informed us you would be coming and picked out something for you." Rip replied. Shrugging his shoulders in acceptance, Pip carefully opened his gift. Inside was a new eye patch. Pip ran his hands over it and found it be soft and smooth around the edge. He removed his old one, careful not to show his eye socket to the others, and put on the new one.

"Very comfortable. I'll be sure to thank him later."

"That won't be necessary." Pip jumped as Walter spoke into his ear. "I'm just glad you enjoyed your gift."

"What did you get, Seras?" Felicity leaned over her left shoulder while Rip took the right. Seras had a rather large box, which took her some time to unwrap and open.

"You're welcome, by the way." Felicity told her as she pulled out a pair of jeans. The box was full of pants, much to Seras' delight.

"How did you know?"

"You just don't seem the skirt type." Felicity replied flatly.

"I'm not, but it's the Hellsing uniform."

"Who would design such a revealing uniform?" Rip asked. The girls all slowly turned to Walter, who started to sweat under their scrutiny.

"It wasn't me, I assure you. It's a policy Sir Integra's father instituted when he came to head the Hellsing family and upon his death bed pleaded with Integra to never remove it, so that he may get some enjoyment watching his daughter lead Hellsing from up in heaven." Walter looked somewhat guilty thinking of Integra's father. He did betray him after he gave him a home.

"I'm not sure whether that is touching or plain perverted." Felicity said as she fumbled with her gift.

"It was always a bit of both with him." Walter smiled sadly. "Now please open your gift from Ms. Winkle."

"Oh really." Felicity smiled at Rip. "I'm certain I'll enjoy this." Felicity peeled away the wrapping paper with the great care and then opened the box. Inside was a sticky note that was at the bottom with three words on it.

"Close your eyes…What's that supposed to mean?" Although unsure about her gift, she still did as the note told. Rip smirked and sauntered up to Felicity, hips swaying with each step. Without a word, she placed both hands on the sides of her head and brought her lips to Felicity's. Felicity's eyes opened, but slowly closed as she relaxed into the kiss. Rip bit softly on her lower lip, eliciting a gasp of surprise from Felicity and allowing Rip's tongue entrance to her mouth. A battle for dominance ensued, which Felicity lost without much struggle. Rip's tongue intertwined with Felicity's before she pushed away, ending there heated kiss.

_Finally! I've been waiting forever for you to do something like that._ The Huntress cheered. Rip could hear fireworks going off in her head.

"Did you like your Christmas present?" Rip smiled devilishly.

"Best present ever." Felicity embraced Rip, oblivious of the drooling men around them. Pip wiped the drool from his face and leaned closer to Walter, who had the decency to look away.

"Does this happen often? If so I'm switching sides right now."

"I'm not entirely sure since I only come here for Christmas. Part of this contract I signed when I switched sides that says I have to do this every year." Felicity and Rip separated to the disdain of their gathered crowd.

"Now for your present." Felicity purred.

"Um…I don't think I'm ready for another go." Rip stammered.

_God you're hopeless. _The Huntress said disappointedly.

"Not like that. Just give me a moment." Felicity dolphin dived under the tree, returning soon after lugging a large box.

"What's that?" Rip asked.

"Something that I should have gotten you a while ago." Rip ripped the box to pieces with her toothy grin normally reserved for when she is firing her rifle. She fell to her knees when she looked upon the antique record player that Felicity had gotten her. "After all, I did break your old one."

"Thank you thank you thank you thank you." Rip repeatedly chanted as she tackled Felicity to the ground, causing Pip to once again start drooling and get a massive nosebleed.

"Well this is certainly new for a Millennium Christmas." Rip looked up from her spot atop Felicity and saw the Major and the others watching her. She scrambled off of the fallen girl at blinding speed.

"Sorry Major, I was-"

"What's there to be sorry about? You are under the mistletoe." He pointed upwards. Rip followed his finger and true enough, there was mistletoe hanging from the rafters.

"Right. I definitely knew that was there." She laughed nervously. The Major turned to Seras and Pip.

"So have you two enjoyed yourselves?"

"Oddly enough, I have." Seras said, still clutching the box of pants. "You're all positively insane, but I'm used to it by now."

_I'm not insane._ Hans munched on a dog treat as he thought this.

"This was the best Christmas I've had since…a long time ago." Seras seemed like she wanted to say more, but stopped herself.

"We're glad to hear that Seras." Felicity nodded to Schrodinger, who stepped forward between Felicity, Pip, and Seras. He reached out and placed a hand on Pip and Seras while Felicity grabbed his ears. All of Millennium waved goodbye as teleported the group just outside the gates leading to the Hellsing property.

"I hope we can do this again sometime." Felicity said with a smile full of regret and extended her hand. "Sadly, the next time we meet may be on the field of battle. So please become strong enough to survive whatever happens next." Pip would have asked what she meant, but Seras placed a hand on his chest and pushed him back. Then she extended a hand of her own and clasped Felicity's.

"Just don't get yourself hurt or Alucard will never let me hear the end of it." She broke the contact and stepped back next to Pip. "And is there anything we should your tell dad?"

"Yeah. Tell him the Red Cat is coming for Hellsing and he should go home before he's caught in the cross fire. Time to go Schrodinger." The cat boy stopped looking at his ass slash tail and stepped up beside her.

"Please don't mention anything about Walter or the individual members of Millennium. It would ruin the surprises later on." Schrodinger called out one last time before teleporting Felicity and himself back home, leaving Seras and Pip in the snow as the sun rose on a whole new day.

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"Is it over, Alucard?" Integra asked. The shadows in a corner of her office grew darker until a man emerged, dressed in red.

"Yes, my master. Christmas day has come and gone." He saw an aged box sitting on desk, with a delicate red ribbon that looked worn with time. "Will you ever open it, or just spend every December twenty fifth locked in your office?" Alucard smirked.

"I don't know. One day I'll open it, but not yet." Integra stifled a yawn as she propped her head with her arm. "I found my father's present to me the same day I found you, stashed in the vents above his study, but I have yet to open it. Perhaps it's the finality of knowing there will be no more presents after this one that keeps me from opening it."

"You don't sound yourself, master. If I didn't know better, I'd say you sound like that little girl who interrupted my slumber years ago."

"Maybe." Integra adjusted her glasses. "Any who, have you heard anything from the Police Girl?"

Alucard's grin grew. "I've been keeping tabs on her during her mission. She appears to have suffered massive amounts of shock, fear, confusion, and surprise." Integra's eyes widened.

"Is she alive?" Alucard's grin faltered.

"Yes, and very happy. She had the time of her un-life with the French man and should be at your door any…" Alucard pointed at the door just as Seras knocked.

"Come in." Seras poked her head through followed by Pip. "How was the mission? Did you find out anything about Cat Girl?" Integra put her unopened present back in her desk.

"Yes. We've learned a lot about her. Her name is Felicity Ira."

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**Wolf: DONE! That took forever to write.**

**Felicity: I love Christmas.*drools in corner***

**Rip: Maybe now you'll stop harassing me and try some good old fashioned romance or something.**

**Seras: I think you only encouraged her to proceed with her assault.**

**Huntress: Booyah! Finally going to get some. I'm like Rip's inner Sakura, the fun one people want to spend time with.**

**Kanda: How do I get back to my Universe? *Alucard shoots Kanda in the head with the Jackal***

**Alucard: Fuck you that's how.**

**Wolf: Settle down guys. Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Tried to advance the Rip x Felicity stuff. If you thought Seras was OOC, it's just that she was so confused in the early chapters of the manga, she still hasn't gotten fully adjusted to the strange stuff. Pip, well he only acts awesome and cool when he is needed. Thanks for reading, and merry Christmas. Bring on the egg nog and pumpkin pie!**

**Kenny: I like apple. *every turns slowly to Kenny***

**Wolf: Kill him. *THE FOLLOWING SCENE WAS TOO GRAPHIC TO BE WRITTEN. PLEASE ENJOY YOUR CHRISTMAS AND IGNORE KENNY'S SCREAMS OF AGONY.***


	8. Nine Lives Run Dry

**Wolf: Welcome back to the nuthouse, folks. What shall we be doing today Felicity my dear?**

**Felicity: How about a lemon between me and Rip? I've already got the-**

**Rip: Too soon! Like all of your jokes it's too soon.**

**Wolf: I agree with Rip on this one, but I am considering it. How about we have some action, like back in chapter two. The audience demands blood and guts!**

**Arthur: Actually, your most viewed chapter is where I make my appearance, so the audience really wants cuddly cat monsters.**

**Felicity: And thermite! Don't forget the thermite. *Looks at the molten remains of Kenny and smiles with glee***

**Wolf: Let's draw the curtain back on a very important chapter. Time for Millennium to meet Hellsing!**

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"Good evening, Major." Felicity said groggily as she staggered into the control room, her scarf trailing behind her.

"Evening to you too, my dear" The Major replied pleasantly before sipping from his oversized coffee mug. "Did the first lieutenant keep you up all night?" Felicity snorted and leaned against the side of his chair.

"I wish. I've finally gotten her to admit she likes me, but she wishes to take things slow. Starting to think vampires don't value the time they have, because they do a hell of a lot of waiting around doing nothing."

"It's just how she is. You could always become a vamp-"

"I'm not going to become a vampire. My body is mine and mine alone. I will not share it with the souls of others." Felicity interrupted The Major.

"I understand." The Major nodded his head solemnly. "I held the same belief long ago, and still do to this day." They remained silent for some time. Felicity soon grew bored of this and let out a groan.

"Ugh…is there anything I can do around here? Hasn't been anything since Christmas a week ago and TV is crap on weekdays."

"Sadly everyone is busy at the moment. The Captain, Schrodinger, and Ms. Winkle are scouting in England and Private Kenny has caught the mono and died sometime in the morning. You could always go train with Zorin in the gym." The Major offered.

"No thanks. We don't really see eye to eye." Felicity sighed. She perked up when she realized The Major forgot someone. "What's Alhambra doing?" The Major put down his coffee and glared at her, despite his half smile.

"He is going on an important mission that is too dangerous to send you on."

"Oh Major~" Felicity pushed her bangs aside and hit The Major with her puppy dog eyes, but The Major was prepared. He raised a hand and tapped his glasses, causing them to darken to deep amber.

"A Christmas present from the doctor. I'm immune to your cuteness." Felicity pouted as he grinned victoriously.

"Plan B then." She leaned forward until their noses were almost touching and stared at him.

"What are-"

"Shush!" The Major started to squirm under her scrutiny, images of his youth and his mother chastising him for hitting another kid who took his bratwurst flashed through his head.

_She's giving me…THE LOOK!_ He thought frantically. Even with his upgraded glasses, he felt the intensity of her gaze burrowing through him, making him want to confess all his sins.

"He's going to Rio! Just please stop doing that!" The Major hyperventilated as she stepped away from him.

"What's he doing there?"

"He is going to be sending a message to Hellsing. A declaration of war to be precise." Felicity grew excited.

"Can I go along?" The Major grew frantic and pushed her back.

"No! You can't go and I will lock you in your room if you even attempt it." He was dead serious and that told Felicity that whatever Alhambra was doing was probably going to get him killed. Then she realized that if it would get the Brazilian card shark killed, odds are she wouldn't survive either. She looked down at The Major and realized he was doing this out of concern. Felicity almost found it touching.

"Alright Major. I won't go looking for trouble." Felicity gave him a reassuring smile before turning around and leaving. She jogged back to her room and retrieved her M1014 and spare ammo before heading out to find the Dandyman. "Because I've already found it."

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"Can you explain why we are heading to Rip de Janeiro again?" Pip asked as he looked up from his newspaper. He and Alucard were on a private jet bound for Brazil and he felt uncomfortable sitting across from Alucard.

"Really, Frenchy? If I must." Alucard put down his glass of wine that he had been swirling for the last two hours. "After the Police Girl reported back about her Christmas dinner with supposed Nazi's and told us what she knew of them and Father Vincent's daughter, master Integra received a drunken phone call from Enrico Maxwell. After several proclamations of love and muttering some nonsense about alleged death threats to the pope sent by someone in Hellsing, he confessed his knowledge of the group Seras dined with. Millennium is the remnant of the Nazi's own program to make vampires and ghouls, which I personally destroyed."

"How is that all relevant to know?" Alucard glared daggers at Pip, causing him to hide behind his paper.

" After the long heated debate about what Jan Valentines last words, we finally came to the consensus it was Millennium, not George Lucas as Integra previously thought. This means it is Millennium who attacked Hellsing so we are going to attack them. That swine Maxwell also mentioned that the Vatican helped move the surviving members of Millennium to South America, so we will start our search in Rio and expand outward from there. Make sense know?"

"Yeah, although why is it only us going? I mean if we have to search an entire country, we should have brought Seras." Pip said.

"That wouldn't be wise, seeing as she has formed an attachment to Felicity. Who knows how she will act if confronted by her in a fight. Integra was right to lock her up in the basement with Vincent and that cat." Vincent had wondered around the manor after Alucard left him on the lawn to see Integra and stumbled upon her office, where he overheard most of the conversation. When he heard about Felicity's warning about the Red Cat, he burst into tears and Alucard found him in seconds. It turns out the Red Cat was the name of a serial killer that terrorized a part of Florida and was never officially caught, but Vincent knew it was his daughter. The police could only connect her to one body, not the many others she had already disposed of. To keep him from doing anything rash, mainly getting himself killed and causing Integra migraines, he locked him up again.

"I see your point." Pip reached into his suit pocket to pull out a smoke when he realized he was on a plane and thought better of it.

"First thing we do is find me a hotel to stay at till night, at which point we can begin this snipe hunt."

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"Are you sure The Major said it was okay for you to come here?" Alhambra asked Felicity, worry evident on his face. She had found him just before he left the base and tagged along.

"Yes, now what are we going to do tonight?" Felicity looked up expectantly at Alhambra.

"Assuming you're here to work, we will be sending the local police after Alucard while he is asleep in his hotel room." This confused Felicity.

"You guys always make him seem like such a horrifying monster. Do you really think a couple dozen SWAT will be able to kill him?" A grin befitting a shark spread across Alhambra face.

"Of course not. They are merely cannon fodder who will help deplete Alucard of his ammunition."

"Cannon fodder sir?" Alhambra and Felicity turned and glared at idiots who were sending their men to their deaths. They were all gathered around a radio and were listening to reports as the SWAT team drew closer to pent house where their target was waiting patiently.

"You are still getting your immortality so don't worry about it." Appeased and intimidated by the vampire, they went back to listening to the radio and its operator. Felicity turned back to Alhambra.

"So are we going to fight him when he starts running low on ammo?"

"Yes, and then we can bring a sample back to base for the doctor." Felicity nodded her head until she was struck with a sudden thought.

"If we kill him, will that free his fledgling from him?"

"If you mean Ms. Victoria, I assume so."

"Good, can hit two birds with one stone."

"Or card." Alhambra pulled out the ace of spades from his sleeve, eliciting a chuckle from Felicity.

"Damn your jokes suck, but I guess it is fitting." Felicity's laughter was cut short as blood curdling screams came through the radio followed by hundreds of gunshots and eventually deafening silence.

"That's our cue. Are you ready?" Alhambra asked. Felicity unslung her shotgun and loaded in a shell.

"I was born ready."

_And she says my jokes are bad._ Alhambra thought as they left the tent, heading towards the hotel that was quickly turning into a mass grave.

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"And it has been five minutes since the SWAT team has gone into the hotel to apprehend the terrorists, and we have yet-" The sound of glass being shattered drew the news anchors attention and he turned just in time to see six men be flung out of the hotel. The crowd stared in horror as each one of them was impaled on the flag poles outside the hotel, showering those below with blood and viscera. Then their attention was drawn to a red garbed figure whose shadow nearly enveloped the hotel he just exited.

"That was quite impressive, vampire, but hasn't anyone ever told you not to play with your food." Like a biblical sea, the crowd parted to allow Alhambra and an excited Felicity into the empty space between the building and the police line. Alucard seemed amused by Alhambra, but his eyes narrowed when he saw Felicity.

"Are you the Red Cat?" Alucard growled. Felicity stepped forward to get a better look at the old vampire.

"I suppose so, although I prefer Felicity."

"Well, Felicity, what is your interest with my Police Girl?"

"I don't like the way you treat her. She would be much better with Millennium, where we don't think of others as property." Alhambra tapped her shoulder.

"Don't you always refer to Rip as yours?" Felicity let a growl rise up from her throat and The Dandyman backed off. Alucard tapped his foot impatiently and looked ready to start shooting with those oversized guns of his.

"She could have been her own vampire, but she decided to keep me as her master. It wasn't your problem to begin with and it won't be once you're dead!" Alucard raised the Jackal and fired, the bullet zooming right towards Felicity's head. It would have hit its mark, had a card not moved into its path and deflected the bullet.

"This is my fight as well." Alhambra pulled his gloves tighter as a deck of cards swirled around him. Without further waiting, he threw a card at Alucard with such speed you could see the air displacement. Alucard leapt to his left and fired with both pistols drawn. Alhambra jumped to his left as well and evaded the high caliber rounds, which then ripped apart several news anchors and police officers.

"I'm sensing there is going to be a large amount of collateral." Felicity ducked to avoid a stray shot as she grumbled to herself. "Can't hurt to help out." Felicity raised her weapon and fired where she hoped Alucard would land after his last jump. The ground exploded in a shower of sparks and fire as Alucard landed right in the middle of it. His legs quickly caught ablaze and he fell forward as they were reduced to molten stumps. A circle of cards rose up from around him as the fire died down and crashed into his prone form.

"Too easy." Alhambra said with smug satisfaction.

"Not quite." The two members of Millennium looked up and saw Alucard clinging to the side of the hotel, his body slowly healing from its burns, but the cuts stubbornly remained. He ran up the side of the building until he reached the roof, where he was out of their field of view.

"A cowardly move on his part." The Dandyman was disappointed at this turn of events.

"Nothing we can do about that. Just get us up there." Before he could ask how she intended for him to get her up there as well, she latched onto his back. "Ride like the wind Bullseye!"

"Hold on!" He shot off the ground and landed with both feet on the building. He was hoping to casually walk up, but Felicity was starting to smother him so he ran the rest of the way. Alhambra walked over the edge and saw Alucard panting on the ground in a pool of his own blood. Felicity scrambled off of Alhambra and took in the scene.

"Are you ready to finish this?" Alucard asked as he rose from the ground, his arms spread in a grandeurs' gesture of bring it on.

"Let's" Alhambra threw a card which Alucard side stepped and then raised his hands in front of him as though he were framing a picture.

"You just activated my Alu-" He was interrupted by a slug to the chest.

"No more fucking card puns or I swear I'll kill both of you!" Felicity screamed. Despite the slug's detonation, a swarm of eyes erupted all over Alucard before a dense fog smothered rooftop. The light from the fire dissipated and soon Felicity could hardly see the barrel of the gun in her hands. She jumped backwards as a card flew inches away from her face.

"Watch it!" She shouted over her shoulder as her eyes darted to and fro, jumping at every shadow. A pair of red eyes caught her attention and she fired. The slug passed harmlessly through it, revealing it to be an illusion.

_Fucking Kage No Bunshin! Gets you every time in the show. _

"Squeal like a pig!" She heard Alucard shout and immediately rushed towards the source of the voice. The fog dispersed and standing with arm pulled back, ready to strike, was Alucard who held up an injured Alhambra with his other hand. Felicity didn't even get to utter a single as Alucard drove his arm right down the middle of Alhambra's free arm, which offered little resistance in the form of one of his magical cards. Like Alucard told him to, he squealed at the top of his lungs before Alucard grabbed a hold of his head with both hands and pulled him close to his face.

"You are do for an interrogation. Your blood will tell me everything I need to know." Alucard threw his head back, revealing a set of razor sharp teeth, and then bit down into his neck, draining his lifeblood.

"Farewell, Alhambra." Felicity leveled her gun, not at Alucard, but Alhambra, and pulled the trigger. The slug buried itself at the base of his neck before detonating and setting his body alight. Alucard tossed the corpse aside as the thermite melted his upper body to a molten puddle.

"I wasn't finished girl." Alucard cracked his knuckles as he stalked towards his remaining enemy, hunger in his eyes.

"You will be." Felicity sprinted forward and shoved the barrel of her gun into Alucard's chest, catching him off guard. She pulled the trigger. Nothing happened so she pulled it again. Now Alucard was in stitches watching this girl fumble.

"You aren't used to fire arms, are you?" Felicity sighed and lowered gun.

"No, I was more of a knives person. What did I forget this time?"

"I believe you forgot to reload. Would you like to keep fighting or just give up?" Alucard asked, and his tone told her it wasn't rhetorical. Felicity took a few steps back and tossed her gun to the side. She looked up at Alucard with steel behind her eyes.

"You won't kill me!" Felicity roared as she reached up and pulled her scarf off. She flicked her wrist, making the scarf lash out and wrap around Alucard's arm. With a smug smirk he yanked on it. Felicity was sent sailing through the air as his vampiric strength pulled her off her feet, but that was what she wanted. Using the burst of speed Alucard provided, she slammed her fist into Alucard's head and brought him to the ground. She pulled her hand away as his jaws snapped close where her fist was seconds ago. Felicity backed off again and wrapped her scarf around her neck again.

"What does it take to kill you?"

"It takes a man to kill a monster." Felicity's brow twitched.

"You sexist prick!" Felicity misinterpreted his statement.

_I meant man as in humans, but everyone would rather think I'm sexist._ Alucard rolled his eyes. Felicity took exception to this and tried rushing him again. Alucard was getting tired of all this fighting and decided to end it. With one hand Alucard caught her outstretched fist and crushed it in an iron grip. Felicity began to fall to the ground with a scream of pain, but her knees never touched the ground. Alucard thrust his free hand through Felicity's chest and out her back, pulling out a lung as he went.

"Checkmate." Alucard squeezed the organ until popped and slowly pulled his arm out of the hole in her chest. Felicity let out a strangled gasp as she felt her blood flow freely. Alucard grabbed her in much the same way he did Alhambra. "Tell me, are you a virgin?" Felicity raised her eyes from the hole where her lung used to be to Alucard, and promptly drove her fist into chin.

"Fuck…you…" Was all she could manage.

"I'll be the one doing the violating, my fledgling." Felicity's eyes widened to the size of saucers and she struggled against Alucard's hold on her, but every blow she rained down on Alucard felt weaker and weaker. He wrenched the scarf away from Felicity to reveal her admittedly pale neck. Alucard's smile spread to almost cartoonish proportions until he opened his gaping maw and snapped down on Felicity's neck. The pain was excruciating and she could feel every last drop of blood flow out of her veins and into Alucard. The periphery of her vision was filled with black spots that threatened to consume her. A final thought went through her head as she lost consciousness.

_You…won't…kill…me…_

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The Major, Hans, and Doc stared in horror at the screens before them. They anticipated the death of Alhambra, but Felicity should have been nowhere near there. They watched as the life drained from her eyes and her hand slipped from Alucard's throat. When Alucard had his fill, he threw her to the side like a worn out ragdoll. A helicopter with its pilot held at gunpoint arrived and whisked Alucard away into the night.

"Why didn't she listen? I told her to stay in the base." The Major had a deep frown and his voice with tinged with sadness and regret.

"We all know she never listens to reason, Major. Once she sets her sights on something, she will keep shooting until it's a molten puddle on the ground." Doc told his superior, the droop of his shoulders the only sign of his sadness. Hans remained unflinching throughout the entire video, not a single perceptible change. He reached down and hit the button on The Major's remote that raised his chair back up to the flight deck of the zeppelin they were currently on.

"Captain?" Doc asked.

_Someone needs to retrieve the body._ He didn't look back as he walked towards the nearest window and jumped through it, landing with little to no flourish before sprinting in the direction of the city. His form changed as he ran, becoming hairier and more beastly with every second until he was running on all fours as large white wolf.

"We could have just called Schrodinger and had him do it in no time at all." Doc stated in confusion. The Major approached the shattered window and stood next to Doc.

"This is the best way he can cope. When one of us is killed in action, we are prepared for it because we are all soldiers. That girl, however, was not. She might have been like us, but she still wasn't a soldier. In time she could have been, but that won't happen now. Millennium's cat has used up her nine lives."

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Alone on a rooftop, a cat lay broken. A man's hand had run her through, and then he sunk his teeth in her. So much was taken by that nosferatu, but one thing was given in return. Her body lay broken, the life drained from it, but with the gift of the vampire Alucard, she raised an arm to the moon on high. Four words escaped her lips, just four.

"You…won't…kill me!"


	9. Cat Awakens

**Ari: You bastards! You can't kill me off without a scene. What will this look like to new readers?*Lops off her head with Far Cry 3 Tanto, burns the remains with thermite, and launches the ashes into the sun of the Andromeda galaxy with is then consumed by a black hole that collapses on itself*…not…dead…*gathers remains and subjects them to watch an episode of the Jersey Shore. After the first episode Ari died of a complete lack of mental stimulation***

**Wolf: Looks like…*puts on sunglasses*…you lost your head.**

**Everyone:*Silence, not even a drawn out YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH H***

**Felicity: Thank god she is gone. We're sorry audience, but the author has realized the errors of his ways and the fact he can't work with that character. He has now realized that he can't do that CSI Miami joke because everyone else has done it a hundred times better**

**Wolf: I'm sorry, but I was trying to set up some emotional stuff. I'm just glad I came back and rewrote the chapter before this story was killed by my incompetence.**

**Felicity: Save that emotional stuff for D. Gray-Man stories. If you really want to do emotional stuff…*cheeky grin and looks at Rip*…I have some ideas.**

**Rip: Isn't that joke getting old?**

**Schrodinger: Nope.**

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"Are you one hundred percent sure she is dead, Alucard?" Integra asked, surprised at the turn of events.

"Yes, I made sure her heart would never beat again." Alucard replied with a grin that hid more than Integra could possibly know. "Shall I inform Vincent while I'm fetching the Police Girl?" Integra pulled out a cigar which Walter gladly lit while she thought it over. She rested her gaze on the scarf Alucard wore in place of his normal bow. It was a blood red color and Alucard would frequently run a gloved hand through the two tails that dangled in front of him and down to his waist. Integra took an extra few seconds to stare at his waist.

"Yes, go inform Vincent and the Police Girl." Integra took a long drag and leaned back in her chair. "That will be all." With a bow, Alucard phased through the floor until he arrived in his room. A new chair was in the place of the destroyed one, but it would never be the same.

"You will be avenged." Alucard said as he departed. Walking through the halls, he came upon an iron door with seals made of blood along the outside. He reached down and turned the handle, causing Seras and Vincent to tumble out while Arthur sat atop the two.

"Master! Thank god you opened the door. I was afraid Vincent was going to try and eat Arthur if we were in there another day." Seras picked herself up and took a few steps away from a hungry Vincent.

"I haven't eaten in over a week and didn't even get to eat on Christmas!" Vincent whined from his spot on the floor. With a chuckle Alucard plopped down on the floor beside him.

_This is for my chair you sick son of a bitch._

"Vincent, it is my pleasure to inform you that your hunger is the least of your concerns." Vincent looked at him dubiously.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means I killed your daughter."

"Master, you didn't…" Seras faltered.Alucard turned his head to Seras.

"I did. I drank her blood, so your little _friend_ is dead."

"You monster!" Vincent lunged at Alucard, but the vampire didn't budge an inch.

"So was your daughter. She killed many people long before those Nazis stumbled onto her." Alucard grabbed Vincent by his throat with one hand and hauled both of them up to a standing position. "Thanks to Walter, we've connected her to the murder of at least 17 people, and all by herself, without powers or even a gun. I was impressed, but that didn't stop me from killing her."

"Put him down, master! You're going to kill him if you keep choking him." Seras tried to pry his fingers from Vincent's throat to no avail. Alucard looked at her with a confused expression, which then turned to sadistic glee when an idea hit him.

"You're right, Police Girl. I don't want to kill him. How about you? You look parched and could use a drink." Alucard pushed the dangling Vincent against the wall before releasing him. Vincent slid against the wall until he was back on the floor and rubbed his sore throat.

"What?" Seras took a shaky step back from her master.

"You heard me. Drink the papist dry and claim your place as a vampire."

"Leave them alone." Arthur stood between the two, his four pupils narrowed to slits. Alucard let out a noise that could only be described as a 'Che' before snapping with his free hand. The shadows in the narrow hallway converged under Arthur and surged upwards. Arthur was consumed entirely by the black mass that solidified into the form of a large dog before he even had the chance to react.

"I couldn't kill that thing, but I can trap it in the dog's kennel." The dog, Baskerville, returned to its master's side and was rewarded with a scratch behind the ear. Both of them stared expectantly at Seras. She looked around for anything that could help her, but she was weaponless in the manor.

"You can't make me do this!"

"Police Girl…"

"My name is-"

"Police Girl, or whatever the hell I want it to be. If you don't shape up soon, I'll start investing my time and energy with Red Cat." If it was even possible, Seras eyes grew to an even larger size.

"But you said you killed her." The elder vampire grinned.

"In much the same way I killed you. She should be walking up anytime know and is probably drinking blood, making her a much better vampire than you, who isn't a true vampire or a human."

"You made…my baby girl…a monster." Alucard spun on his heel and looked at Vincent as he gradually got off the floor. He was panting heavily and still clutching his neck. Alucard gently stroked his pilfered scarf.

"Yup, and this is her scarf. It smells delicious by the way, just like her scent, but mixed in with a couple others. Now Police Girl," Alucard removed his tinted glasses and looked deep into her blue eyes ", it's time to stop playing with your food and eat the priest."

_First I was almost raped by a vampire priest, then I was impaled with dozens of pointy bayonets by a priest, and now I'm being forced to eat a priest. Is my life some twisted mixture of priest jokes and sexual innuendo?_ Seras thought frantically. Baskerville's growling drew her from the shelter of her mind.

"Time to choose who eats who, _Police Girl_."

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_Where the hell am I?_ Felicity felt as though she were floating, except there was no water. The endless expanse around her was dyed a warm cream color. It felt like hours for Felicity as she floated in this void, until she felt a strong wind rush past her head.

"Wait, why is there wind?" Felicity flipped over onto her stomach and realized to her horror that she was falling. There appeared to be a floor that was fast approaching and she braced for the inevitable splat that would follow her crash, but to her surprise none came. In an almost cartoonish manner she bounced off the ground and landed on her feet, somewhat stunned, but still alive.

"Because you're dreaming." A chorus of wretched and ragged voices rang out. Felicity turned and saw what she could only assume where ghouls, as she had yet to meet one in person. Now she was face to face with over thirty of them.

"I'm dreaming, eh? Then that means I can do this!" Felicity closed her eyes and concentrated on her shotgun. It materialized in front of her with a poof of smoke, a literal cloud with the word poof on it, before it landed in her outstretched hand. Grinning wildly she began chasing the ghouls, firing when she got close enough and then leaping over the smoldering corpses.

"Having fun?" Felicity vaulted over a few recently immolated corpses only to run into a familiar, if hated figure. The cream coloring of the world deepened to a dark red while she looked up at the arrogant face of Alucard. Felicity jumped back and raised her shotgun to his head.

"I'm about to." She pulled the trigger and this time something did happen. A flag came out with the words bang on it. "Even in my own weird ass dream my gun fails me." Felicity groaned and threw the gun at Alucard, who simply ducked under it.

"It's time you woke up, my cat." Alucard then exploded into a swarm of bats and flew off, leaving behind a bewildered Felicity. She heard something akin to the sound of glass cracking and looked at the floor only to see a fissure running along the ground.

"Oh fuck all-" The ground gave way and Felicity fell further into the void.

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"…kinds of duck!" Felicity shouted as she shot up in her bed, although a dead weight pushed her back down. She looked down and saw Schrodinger was asleep next to her, his head lying on her chest.

"Schrodinger, why are you here?" Felicity poked the sleeping cat boy. His face was taut and his muscles were tense, as though he were having a nightmare. Felicity pulled the boy closer and held him protectively until his spasms stopped.

"Why? Why?" He whimpered in his sleep. Felicity kept poking the sleeping boy until she couldn't stand it anymore. Felicity grabbed hold of his ears and started rubbing with enough force that fur was coming off in patches. Schrodinger's hands batted her away, but he still remained asleep. As her last resort, she flung the cat boy off her bed and onto the floor, startling him awake.

"What was-" He looked up at the pissed off Felicity, bandages covering her chest in place of her shirt. "Felicity…you're awake!"

"Yes, now why where you in my bed?! That spot is reserved for Rip!" Felicity shouted back, but Schrodinger jumped back on the bed, smothering her and muffling the last sentence.

"I thought you were dead, but you're not! That's good because then I would have gone back to playing with Hans and he isn't FUN!" He cried into her chest. Then the memories hit her all at once. The Major telling her not to go after Alhambra, her going after Alhambra, Felicity viewing the webcam inside the women's showers, that is really a crap shoot because you have fifty fifty odds it's either Zorin or Rip, while on the plane to Rio, meeting Alucard, Alhambra being killed, and finally her own death. Felicity's hand shot up to her neck, and to her relief, found she couldn't feel any holes.

_The wounds healed while you were sleeping._ Felicity looked up from Schrodinger and saw Hans leaning against the doorway. A light snoring drew her gaze to the couch where Rip was sleeping.

"How am I alive? Last thing I remember is there being a giant hole in my chest, my lung being popped like a balloon, and then Alucard…"

_Bit you? I think you know what happens when a vampire drinks a virgin's blood. _Hans looked down at the floor as he 'said' this.

"You mean…I'm a vampire!" Felicity screamed at the top of her lungs, loud enough to wake Rip and anyone else trying to sleep within a hundred square miles.

"Felicity, you're awake!" Rip cried and leapt onto the bed as Felicity pushed Schrodinger off in anticipation.

_I could get used to this_. Felicity though contentedly as Rip overshot her jump and landed with Felicity's head between her buxom. Rip tried to reposition herself, but Felicity held her in place.

"Um, Felicity. I'm glad you're awake and all, but this-YEOUCH!" Rip howled as Felicity tested out her new fangs.

_I might have to thank Alucard for this. Right before I kill him._

_Now isn't the time Felicity. We need to report this to The Major._ Hans chastised in his normal, fatherly manner.

"Okay." Felicity released both of her holds on Rip, who then got off the bed faster than Felicity liked. Felicity got off next. Hans and Rip averted their gazes and when Felicity looked herself over, she found she was only wearing bandages that covered her chest and privates, for obvious reasons that reminded Felicity of that old movie _The Fifth Element_.

"Before you ask, it wasn't Rip." Schrodinger told her from the corner he was currently facing. "It was Kenny." While Schrodinger explained, Hans removed his great coat and handed it to her, exposing his bare chest and white pants. She reluctantly took it and slipped it on, finding that a good amount of it dragged along the floor.

"Hey, have you guys seen my scarf?" Schrodinger, Hans, and Rip tensed up, causing Felicity to grow suspicious. "Guys?" Silence followed. Felicity decided now was the time for threats. "I will neuter and spay whoever doesn't tell me." Hans flinched, but it was Schrodinger who broke first.

"Alucard took it!" You could hear a pin drop in the silence that followed, until the rage building in Felicity bubbled up to the surface with the force of a nuclear warhead.

"He did WHAT?!"

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"So we are all in agreement. If Felicity doesn't wake up, Doc gets to keep her corpse for scientific and recreational use, Zorin gets the TV, and I take her bed because she stole my old one." Doc and Zorin nodded in agreement of Kenny's proposal.

"Don't you think it is a tad early to begin dividing her loot, private?" The Major asked.

"This just makes things simpler and reduces infighting if things go wrong." Kenny shrugged and resumed his huddle with Doc and Zorin.

"If what things go wrong?" Felicity asked as she entered the control room, followed closely by Rip, Schrodinger, and Hans.

_Damn it! I wanted her bed._ Kenny thought, and judging by the others expressions, they had similar thoughts.

"They were splitting up your stuff in case you didn't wake up, my dear." If it was possible, The Major's grin grew to astronomical proportions at the expression on his men's faces. Kenny threw up his hands in defense, expecting the new vampire to lash out and kill him, but no shotgun blast to the gut or punch to the face came. He lowered the hand shielding his face to see that Felicity hadn't even moved. She was just standing there, looking at him.

"Kenny…" She pinched the bride of her nose. "…when you undressed me, did you do it without looking or at least in the dark?" He broke out into a nervous sweat.

"Well…" While Kenny was stammering, Schrodinger teleported onto Felicity's shoulders.

"He didn't even try to look away. I think he went so far as to grope you."

"No I didn't you little shit! You were the one who undressed her!"

"Yeah, but you watched it all!" Schrodinger retorted, unaware of Felicity slowly reaching up and tightening her grip on his legs.

"Schrodinger, is what Kenny said true?" Her voice deadpan.

"Yes, and he did watch. Can you let go now?" Schrodinger was getting nervous. If he teleported Felicity would be brought with him. Sure, you couldn't kill Schrodinger, but he still felt pain. The idea of having his dick ripped off and shoved down Kenny's throat wasn't appealing to him in the slightest.

"Alright."

"Don't kill me…Wait. You aren't going to kill me?"

"Why would I kill you?"

"I saw you naked."

"Yeah, but you like Hans so I have nothing to worry about." Felicity loosened her grip on Schrodinger, who fell to the ground like a limp ragdoll. He curled in on himself and started retching. He showed no signs of letting up so Hans stepped forward.

_We aren't like that._

"You sure? You two are always together and he didn't show much interest in Seras."

_Do we even look gay? I thought you woman all had gay-dar._

"You are a shirtless werewolf!" She pointed at his bare chest. "His eyes are hot pink and he wears short shorts! If that isn't gay, I don't know what is!"

_Well we aren't, okay? So just drop it._ Hans growled before storming off, leaving Felicity to focus her attention on Kenny.

"And you, the voyeur. You are so on my shit list now." Without a second glance Felicity walked past the abashed Kenny and stood before The Major. "Good evening, Major."

"After that display, I think we are beyond our normal pleasantries today." The Major leaned forward in his chair.

"Quite. I came here so you could send me after Alucard. I have a score to settle with that asshole."

"You know you can't do that." Rip put a hand on her shoulder. "Even as a vampire, he is too much for you. Going now would be pointless."

"Pointless? Pointless!" Felicity shook with rage and whirled around to face Rip. "He made me a vampire against my will. My lung was ripped out of my chest by that bastard and all the while he had that shit eating grin! He torments Seras on a daily basis…"

_Although I had a hand in causing it._

"…and worst of all, the fucking cherry on the cake, is that he took my scarf!" Tears began to flow freely down Felicity's face. "I love that scarf!"

_I think she said that in reverse order._ Rip couldn't help but think as the girl in front of her continued her tirade.

"Come on! Just let me at them. All I need is a new weapon and I'll be golden."

"What about your shotgun?" Zorin took a sudden interest in the conversation. She broke away from Doc and Kenny and stood in front of Felicity, cigarette hanging limply from her lips.

"I'm horrible with guns." Felicity pulled her shotgun from out of Hans' coat. "I always screw up and it got me turned into a vampire on my first real mission. I'm through with this!" She threw the shotgun to the side, trying to appear random, but you could tell it was aimed at Kenny. Unfortunately for Kenny, Felicity didn't have her new vampire strength completely under control so the shotgun tore through Kenny's midsection and separated his legs from his midsection. The top half fell to the floor with a sickly splat.

"Nice one!" Zorin high fived Felicity. Kenny reached down and felt what he assumed was his small intestine dangling out.

"Damn it, Felicity! I'm going to spend the rest of my un-life as a cripple!"

"No you won't, private." The Major raised his luger and put two rounds into Kenny's heart. The rest of his clip and a second one were wasted on the floor around Kenny.

"Major…you killed Kenny…" Rip said, still in shock.

"I would classify that as a mercy killing. Besides…we don't have healthcare and he would of sued us because the base isn't handicapped accessible."

"That is one name crossed off my shit list." Felicity said with delight.

"So what were we talking about before?" Zorin scratched her chin as she tried to remember.

"I think Felicity was saying how she is tired of guns and doesn't want her M1014 anymore." Rip chimed in.

"Thanks. As I was saying I'm sick of guns that I forget to reload or aren't loaded when I pick it up. I want something that doesn't fire bullets."

"Like a rocket launcher? Because I'm pretty sure you will kill us all if we let you handle explosives."

"No, Rip. No explosives or guns. I want something that can cut." Zorin smacked a hand across Felicity's back.

"Now you're talking my language!" She grabbed the back of Felicity's collar and dragged her out of the control room. The Major and Rip exchanged confused looks.

"I guess they are getting along now…"

"But at what cost, first lieutenant?" He pointed towards the mutilated corpse of Kenny and the still retching Schrodinger. He has most likely died several times from lack of oxygen, but he simply can't get over the image of him and Hans together.

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_Meanwhile in the private quarters of Zorin Blitz._

"So you want something that can cut? Take your pick."

"Is that a car bumper?" Felicity pointed at awe at the arsenal's. The room was barren except for the stockpile, bed, and footlocker.

"Yeah. I bent it in on itself, sharpened it, and added a handle. I've got a bit of everything here." Pointing to the left wall. "Got your swords and knives here. Even have a katana or twelve if you want." Then she continued clockwise. "Here are the blunt weapons. Have baseball bats, maces, lead pipes." Then to the right and final wall. "And here you see the unarmed weapons, like brass knuckles and boxing gloves for when you want to kill someone slowly."

"Impressive…so can I pick anything?" Felicity looked up at Zorin like a normal kid on Christmas day, and not that horny look she wore all of last Christmas.

"Sure. I got bored of all these weapons over the years. Probably change out this scythe in a year or two." She ran her hand along the top of her scythe as though she were petting a dog. Felicity stepped into the center of the room and debated how to proceed.

"I have always wanted to say Hulk smash in a fight…" She looked towards the blunt weapons. "…but, slowly beating people to death sounds appealing…" She turned to right wall. "…screw it. I already know what I want." Felicity backpedaled until she hit the wall covered in swords and knives.

"I see you like pointy things just as much as me." Zorin watched as Felicity's hands traveled over the blades and handles of machetes, broadswords, sabers, kukri, and other assorted weapons capable of delivering a pointy reckoning.

"Found it!" She called out triumphantly. Zorin raised an eyebrow as she walked over to see what she picked.

"Nice choice, kid." In Felicity's hand was a modified marine force night stalker bowie knife. It's a grayish knife with two different types of serrations along the false edge, with the finer serrations closer to the point and large ones close to the hilt. The guard curved upwards along the true edge to look almost like a trigger. The modification to this knife was that someone had filled in the words along the blade and silver had been added to the true edge of the blade. "You have any experience with knives?"

"Seventeen people can attest to my experience with a knife. If they were still alive, that is." Felicity flashed Zorin a toothy grin. "Don't suppose you have another one of these."

"My room is like Noah's ark. I have two of every weapon in here." She reached down to the floor and rapped her knuckle against the metal floor four times. A panel rose out of the floor on the forth knock and brought with it a shelf lined with all the weapons on the wall, where Zorin retrieved the other knife and gave it to Felicity.

"Excellent. Now I can kill Alucard and retrieve my scarf." She stared at the knives in her hands with growing bloodlust.

"You could just make the scarf yourself."

"What?! You mean I have some magic clothes ray like Piccolo? Can I work it in reverse to get rid of Rip's clothes?" Zorin took a few steps back and clutched her scythe close.

_I finally understand why this girl creeps Rip out. Thank god she didn't fall for me. By the way, who the hell is Piccolo?_

"Um, no. We know Alucard can change his form at will so you should too. Once you drink blood, of course."

"That sounds interesting, but I want to save my first blood for someone special."

"I'm not sure drinking Rip's blood will awaken your powers. Also you need to drink out there soul so you would kill her in the process."

"I'm not going to drink from Rip. If anything, I'll have her drinking from me."

"Alright. That is just too much innuendo. Maybe you should get back to the others." Zorin shoved Felicity out of her room and violently slammed the door behind her. With a shrug, Felicity began her walk back to the control room, until she was struck with an idea. She changed direction and ran back to her room. Bursting through the door, she continued until she reached the chest next to her bed. Felicity pried open the lid and searched inside for a change of clothes.

"How the hell can Schrodinger furnish this entire room in under an hour, but can't find me a complete change of clothes? He found my pants and sandals, but couldn't get my cat shirt!" She dug deeper, but still couldn't find another shirt in the chest. "Time for plan R."

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_I'm back guys._ Hans announced himself to Rip and The Major. After cooling off in his room and getting a new coat, he came back to see if anything happened._ Did I miss…_

He saw the rotting corpse of Kenny, which giant rats were busy dismembering, and the still catatonic Schrodinger. Hans gave the boy a light kick to the back of the head. With a sudden jolt Schrodinger stopped his convulsing stopped and he slowly got up.

"That was…without a doubt…the worst experience of my life." Then he saw Kenny. "Why do I feel so nonplussed about Kenny being dead?"

_I know, right. I usually give a crap, but with him, nada._

"I've dubbed it the Kenny Effect." Doc proclaimed.

"Nice name, Doc." A feminine voice said. The collected members of Millennium turned to see Felicity enter.

"Hey, Felicity." Rip said cheerily. She was hopeful she had calmed down enough to give up her vendetta for the time being.

"Rip, I've got a surprise for you~" She started unbuttoning Hans' borrowed great coat.

"Have some decency!" Rip threw her hands up in front of her face, although she could still see through her splayed fingers.

"Keep going!" Schrodinger chanted, still trying to keep certain mental images out of his head.

"If you say so~" Felicity ripped off the coat and threw into the air. It then fell back on her. Felicity flailed a little until she managed to get the coat from off her head. "Son of a bitch! It ruined the whole reveal."

By reveal, she meant under the coat Felicity was wearing one of Rip's suits, although this one was teal with a gray undershirt, rather than her dark blue and pink.

"Odd, I have one just like that in my room." Rip said as she circled Felicity, looking her over and admiring the view.

"It is. I'm borrowing it, and by borrowing I mean took it and won't give it back." Rip sighed.

"I can live with that. So are you still going to go after Alucard now?" The others stopped ogling Felicity and looked at her with more serious expressions.

"Yeah, I'm taking back my scarf."

"But, you have no chance of fighting him!" Felicity threw her head back and laughed.

"I'm not going to fight Alucard."

"Then what will you do?"

"I'm going to pay my respects to my maker."

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**Felicity: Ah yes. A nice normal chapter filled with our normal humor and innuendo. You can't beat a classic. And I got a new outfit and weapon. Thanks author for not fucking up the chapter with a ridiculous plot device like an alternate personality whose name is a palindrome of my last name and who has the emotional depth of Steven Seagal.**

**Wolf: High standards…I love you guys.**

**Schrodinger: Screw…**

**Hans: …you with a ten foot pole.**

**Wolf: I now you both think I'm a sexy devil, but I just don't roll that way.**

**Schrodinger and Hans: Grrrrrrr**

**Vincent: I'm going to say a full line because I'm Vinc-*Dues Ex Machina crash lands on Vincent***

**Rip: That was convenient. Well looks like you folks waited a week for this revised chapter so hope you liked it. Don't forget to review or Felicity will try out her new knives on you.**

**Felicity: I can eviscerate AND neuter you at ONCE!**


	10. Like MI3, but no Tom Cruise

**Wolf: Round ten. Fight!**

**Felicity: You just butchered a Mortal Combat reference. I've passed the point of disappointment and am actually impressed.**

**Wolf: That's it; I am tired of all the hating from you! You are never going to be in a lemon with Rip. You will spend all of eternity just cuddling and having good conversation. I will make your life like the F*cking Cosby show!**

**Felicity: You wouldn't dare. I know you want to write that scene as much as I want to be in it.**

**Wolf: I never said I wouldn't write it. Maybe Alucard in his female form will get frisky when he meets Rip. I can make her four minute death scene seem like an episode of Full House in comparison to what he would do!**

**Alucard: I'm not a rapist. A murderer, yes. A rapist, no.**

**Wolf: Well let's ask the audience then. Do you want Felicity to get her own lemon, or will it forever be heated make out sessions and romance that builds up to a scene you won't see. Leave your response in the reviews section or PM me. I'll respect Alucard's wishes, and the very big guns currently pointed at my balls, so he won't be doing anything with Rip.**

**Rip: Thank you!**

**Wolf: yet.**

**Rip: *loads musket* I'll see you in hell.**

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"Walter."

"Yes, sir Integra?"

"Where are Alucard and Seras? It shouldn't have taken him this long to get her." Integra looked up from

the recently emptied bottle of bourbon. Despite that Felicity girl being with the enemy, the way Alucard

handled things so nonchalantly got to her.

"Shall I go see what is holding them?"

"No need, Walter." Alucard said as he came through the front door to Integra's office. He held the door open as Seras and Vincent walked in behind him. Three things were strange about this.

_Alucard never uses that door! _Integra thought. She calmed down from the initial surprise and looked over Seras and Vincent.

"Care to explain why Father Vincent is still here?" Vincent and Seras exchanged uneasy glances and ultimately looked to Alucard. With a small grin he turned from them to Integra.

"He simply refuses to leave. Seeing as he is in the middle of the grieving process, I see no harm in letting him stay."

"And the handcuffs?" She pointed with a freshly lit cigar at the fuzzy, pink cuffs connecting Vincent and Seras by the wrist.

"He really doesn't want to leave." The frown on Integra's face deepened.

"Do you take me for a fool? What is the real reason they-" A knock on the door cut her off. "Come in!"

"Wow there! Don't shoot the messenger." Pip walked in with his hands raised. He also noticed how Seras and Vincent where connected. "Why are Seras and the father wearing my handcuffs?"

"Get to the point, captain. Why are you here?" Captain Pip Bernadotte stopped staring at his lost and now found handcuffs and walked further into the room until he was at Integra's desk.

"Me and the men were out training on the firing range, training ourselves to aim only for those pesky head and heart shots in low light conditions, when a girl stumbles into the firing lanes." Alucard appeared to take pleasure in this bit of news. "At first we thought she got lost and some of the men tried to give her directions to London, but she says she is looking for Hellsing."

"Please tell me she didn't have an army of armored ghouls with her, because I can't afford to replace you all this soon." Integra glanced down at the paperwork pushed towards the corner of her desk with the words DEBT and BILLS stamped in large, red letters.

"Has that happened before?" Pip was unaware of what happened to the previous guards of the Hellsing manor, only knowing that they needed replacements and the pay was good. There was a long pause before Integra did what was the right thing to do. For Hellsing at least.

"…No…it has never happened before." She pushed up her glasses so the sheen hid her eyes. "So where is the girl now?"

"Right outside."

"Bring her in, Frenchy." Alucard used the nickname for Pip that he hated. Pip looked to Integra for approval and when she nodded in agreement he went to the door.

"Come on in! Walter and Seras won't bite, but the rest of them are another story." The others heard Pip call down the hall before returning with the girl in question. She wore a clean looking teal suit and a brown fedora that, along with her long red hair, obscured most of her face.

"Why are you here?" Integra barked, getting straight to the point. The girl ignored Integra, instead turning towards Alucard. She reached into her coat and pulled out a very big knife. Everyone except Alucard looked ready for a fight; well Vincent looked closer to fainting.

"Alucard…" Integra wanted her servant to act, but he seemed content to stand there with a small grin.

"She's not here for a fight. Isn't that right…Felicity?" The girl reached up and knocked off her fedora with a flick of her index finger before kneeling in front of Alucard and presenting him her knife.

"Yes my master."

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_A Few Hours Prior at Millennium_

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"You're paying your respects to your maker? What the hell are you talking about?" Rip shouted loud enough that Felicity had to cover her ears.

"I'm goin-" Rip slugged Felicity square across the jaw before she could answer.

"I'm not letting you defect to Hellsing! I'd rather tie you up and lock you in your room!" Felicity reeled back from the blow, but recovered soon after.

"I think I would prefer tying you-" Rip's closed fist rocketed towards Felicity, but she ducked a hairsbreadth away from eating a knuckle sandwich. "I deserved that, but can you please stop trying to murder me."

"I'm just going to make it impossible for you to leave." Rip cried as she lunged at Felicity, knocking both of them to the ground.

"Should we stop them?" Schrodinger asked. Doc had busied himself studying Kenny's remains while The Major and Hans stared at the fighting woman with mouths agape. "Guess not."

"Help me!" Felicity pleaded as Rip tried to wrap her hands around her throat. Then, all of the sudden, Rip's arms went slack. The pinned red head felt something wet fall on her face. When she looked up, she saw tears rolling down Rip's face and landing on her.

"Please don't go. Just don't."

"I have to, Rip." Felicity snaked a hand behind Rip's head and pulled her down closer until her head rested on her shoulder. "But I will be back once I get my scarf."

"You mean you are only going to get back…a scarf? A completely replaceable article of clothing." Her voice was slightly muffled as her face was buried in Felicity's stolen suit, but her proximity made it clear as a bell to Felicity.

"That and a good amount of revenge." She looked down at Rip with a grin. "Did you actual think I was going to leave you guys for good?"

"You are…unpredictable." Rip got off of Felicity. She sat on the floor with her legs crossed in front of her and rubbed the back of her head nervously.

"Unpredictable, yes. Self-centered, yes. A goddess among mortals, yes. A traitor, no." She lifted herself into a sitting position. "Are you happy now?"

"As long as you come back okay, I am."

"Excellent!" Felicity cheered. "Schrodinger, teleport me to London."

"You didn't even bother asking me to approve the mission…" The Major rested his head in his palms.

"You know it!" Felicity got up from the floor and ambled over to Hans. "Now Hans. Take care of these nut jobs until I come home, you hear?"

_This is a horrible plan for an idiotic reason, but I'll hold down the fort till you get back. We have been around for a long time before you got here. _Hans couldn't help but smile at the girl. He reached out to her with a large, calloused hand and ruffled her hair.

"Please don't do that." She growled while batting away his hand. "Now would be a good time, Schrodinger." Schrodinger bounded over to Felicity, although his eyes betrayed his feelings on the matter.

"Isn't there any other way?"

"I'm sure there are, like some Ocean's Eleven style heist or a frontal assault, but my way has an actual chance of working without getting you all maimed or killed." He stared at her with those pink eyes of his, but relented when he realized she wouldn't change her mind. "And guys. If you try and divvy up my stuff again, I'm going to test out my new knives on the lot of you." She proclaimed as Schrodinger grabbed her shoulder and warped the both of them two London.

Felicity waved goodbye to Schrodinger and made her way down the street.

_Time to swallow my modest amount of pride and play the humble servant card. Hopefully Alucard, being hundreds of years old, still has some old world beliefs and sensibilities that I can use._

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_Same time as when initial time jump happened, but with Hellsing._

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"I'm not doing it." Seras pouted.

"What?" Alucard did not expect Seras to simply refuse to bite Vincent. "You can't just say no! I'm threatening you!"

"I. Don't. Care! Vincent isn't that bad of a guy, annoying as all hell I'll admit, but he doesn't deserve to be killed." Alucard begged to differ, but he was too dumbfounded by Seras to make a quip. "Now I'm going to get some sleep in my BED while Vincent goes home." She didn't even look at Alucard

"What about Arthur? I still have him captive!" Alucard frantically pointed at Baskerville, but found in its place was Arthur. He quickly retracted his finger before the cat bit it off and knocked him out. "How the…"

Arthur raised a paw to silence him. "I put dog to sleep. Dog go away and leave me behind." Arthur raised his rear end in the air as though he were getting ready to pounce on Alucard when he let out a yawn. "I go sleep now." Arthur slinked past Alucard, taking the time to brush against his legs just to irritate him, and made his way back to Seras' room to sleep. An uneasy Seras looked from the retreating figure of Arthur to Alucard, her confidence waning.

_I was hoping he would help out, but it's hard enough to get a cat to acknowledge one's own existence_. Somehow, Alucard picked up on this.

"Are you sure you won't drink Vincent's blood, Police Girl?" He asked with a hint of playfulness. Seras mustered up what remained of her courage and glared at her maker.

"Yes, I'm sure I won't drink blood!"

"Okay then. I won't make you drink his blood. You and Vincent can go out and do whatever you want, heck, get hitched for all I care." Vincent looked up at Seras from his position on the floor, and by look I mean up her skirt. He was conflicted between his disgust at the idea of being with a vampire and his knowledge that Seras was a nice girl with an even nicer body.

_Give her a…9. Blows my ex out of the water, that's for sure._

"So can we go?" Vincent hesitantly asked as Seras helped him to his feet. Alucard nodded enthusiastically.

"Of course! I just have one little condition." Faster than Vincent could even blink, Alucard was standing behind him and Seras. Something pink whizzed out of his coat and clamped around his right arm while another latched onto Seras' left. "You stay like that until Seras gets hungry and eat someone~"

"You said you wouldn't make me!" Seras growled and whirled around to face her master with Vincent being whipped around by her sheer strength.

"I am doing nothing of the sort. Your nature is what is going to do it for me." Alucard backpedaled to avoid a wild swipe from the enraged Police Girl. Vincent was being dragged along despite his best efforts to remain upright.

"Seras, can't you just break these handcuffs?" Vincent asked, causing her to stop dead in her tracks. She reached down and grabbed the chain connecting her to Vincent and tried to crush the chain in her hand. Veins and muscles bulged as she gave it her all, but the chain stubbornly remained intact.

"You won't be able to break it. I had Walter work some old blood seals onto the individual chain links. A vampire such as myself could break it easily, but you would need to drink blood to escape." Alucard watched Seras struggle with poorly concealed delight.

_Now she has no choice but to kill Vincent or spend the rest of his life with him. My evil plan is brilliant and flawless! Mwahahahahahahahaha!_

"Vincent," Seras whispered "Why does he look like he is laughing, but no sound is coming out?" Alucard was holding his chest as it heaved up and down. He looked ready to fall to the floor laughing, but it still made no sound.

"I think he is doing it in his head, but it still affects his body." Alucard was starting to settle down when Vincent got an idea. "Can't I just break the handcuffs myself? The seals should only stop a vampire, but I'll be fine." Alucard stopped his voiceless laughter and straightened himself out.

"Not as long as you are connected to a vampire. The seals are constantly active and thus strengthened from all forms of attack." Alucard elaborated for them. They raised their heads in a resounding 'Oh'. "And if you tell Integra or Walter about this, I will kill you both in your sleep with a rusty spoon." Alucard looked at his wrist. "I believe now would be a good time for us to go see Sir Integra." He started herding the two back upstairs with liberal shoves to the back, using the Casull and Jackal no less.

Seras was starting to consider taking another line of work.

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_Present time before all this time skip ^*%._

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"Felicity!" The room gasped. She cringed at their combined volume, but remained kneeling in front of Alucard. He reached down and accepted her offered dagger, inspecting it closely before handing it back.

_I don't know jack shit about knives, but hopefully she won't notice that._

_He doesn't know jack shit about that knife, does he?_ Felicity thought and tried to contain a smug smirk as she tucked her knife back into her suit.

"Alucard! Explain this immediately!" Integra roared as she slammed both hands on her desk. "You said Felicity Ira was dead in Brazil." Vincent, in a rare moment of courage and self-sacrifice, stepped forward.

"Alucard turned my daughter into a vampire in Brazil which is technically the same as killing her. Now he has-"

"Overused reference number 23." Felicity cried out "FALCON PUNCH!" She slugged Vincent right in the chest and sent him sailing through the air. He would have went into the fireplace had the handcuffs connecting him to Seras not snapped taught and brought him around full circle.

"Nicely done." Alucard patted Felicity on the head. It was becoming increasingly difficult for her to not break that hand and shove it where the sun don't shine.

"Walter!"

"Yes, Sir Integra?"

"If either of them so much as move a muscle that isn't needed to talk, remove a limb with extreme prejudice." Walter couldn't help but smile at the thought of getting some action.

"Certainly."

"Alright then. Let's start with why you are here, Felicity?" Integra lowered herself back into her chair and lit herself a new cigar. Felicity looked to Alucard as though seeking permission before turning to face Integra.

"After master bestowed the gift of vampirism upon me, me and Millennium had a…falling out." Alucard was beaming after she called him master, but Integra still had more questions.

"Falling out?

"There is a guy named Doc and after master turned me, he became obsessed with trying to dissect me to make better vampires for Millennium. I woke up one day and found myself strapped to a table with a scalpel a few inches away from me. I didn't feel like experiencing the true death so soon after I awoken so I left and came here to the only vampires I knew I could trust implicitly."

"I'll buy that for now. Care to explain why you just knocked your own father unconscious?"

"Don't you ever want to hit your dad?" Felicity asked innocent enough. She felt sharp wires cut into her throat and looked to Walter.

"You shouldn't mention Sir Integra's father. He is-"

"Dead." Integra cut in. "I suppose I did at times want to strike my father, but never to the degree you have shown."

"I'm still getting the vampire strength under control." Felicity rubbed the back of her head nervously until she felt Walter tug on his wires and she brought arms back down to her sides. Integra put her cigar out in her ash tray.

"Walter, what do you think of all this?"

"I'm unsure at the moment, but so far I don't see any problem with her." With a shrug, Walter let his wires run slack and Felicity felt them slip away from around her body.

_Pervy geezer. He is this close to being on my shit list._ She internally fumed while remaining calm and collected on the outside.

"And I'm assuming the Police Girl can attest to her fidelity?" Seras stopped shaking the unconscious Vincent and nodded to Integra before resuming her shaking.

"Can you keep her under control Alucard?"

"Well-"

"Wait. You can't even control yourself so don't answer that." Integra seemed to be wrestling with something she didn't want to say but knew she had too. "I have no choice in the matter. Since we can't let you go free and kill someone out of hunger, you will have to stay here at Hellsing."

_Me one, big bad world zero. I'm in, baby!_

"Okay, but I'm not wearing a skirt or uniform. Just stitch the Hellsing emblem on my coat."

"That's agreeable. You'll be sleeping with the Police Girl…" She remembered the handcuffs. "…and your father." She then let her head fall and hit the desk with a dull thud.

_We have too many freaks here. I missed the days when I only had to deal with Alucard. Now I have a priest and two more vampires living under one roof. This feels like one of those horrible American reality shows that Alucard used to watch. Desperate house freaks of Hellsing manor. At least now those three can suffer just as much as me._

"You okay?" Felicity asked. Walter stepped forward and spoke for her.

"She is fine. She is suffering from a small case of AO. Seras, could you please escort Felicity down to your quarters while I prepare Sir Integra some tea?"

"Sure, Walter." Seras said as she slung Vincent over her back. "Ready?"

"I'll catch up." Felicity told Seras who left through the doors to Integra's office. At some point Pip had made his escape and was nowhere to be found. "Master?"

"Yes, Felicity?" He said with his voice full of warmth. To Felicity, he sounded like the father she always wanted, except for the whole killing her and turning her into a vampire thing.

"Can I have my scarf back?" She pointed to her prized possession.

_If I get it now I can scrub the entire operation._ Alucard tsked her like a child that didn't know how stupid what it just said was.

"Then what incentive would you have to improve yourself. Now hurry up and find the Police Girl."

"Yes, master." She started towards the door, but stopped and turned back. "What is AO?"

"Something Integra made up for when the job is too much for her, but she blames it on others. Alucard Overload she calls it." Alucard noted that Integra had yet to lift her head off the desk. "Still such a child at heart."

"I'll take my leave then. Good evening, master." Felicity left to find where Seras wondered off to.

"Good evening my newest fledgling. May you surpass your predecessor a thousand times." Alucard whispered before returning to his own room to conjure up new schemes for the Police Girl, Felicity, and Vincent as well.

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**Alucard: I HAVE LINES! I shall let you live this year, author.**

**Wolf: That's good to hear. So Felicity is now undercover in Hellsing. What will happen now and is she really only there for her scarf? Will we see any of Millennium during this story arc? Will Felicity stay with the good guys?**

**Rip: You will see us. We won't be forgotten or just spend all of the chapters moping and doing nothing at all. We do stuff even if Felicity isn't here!**

**Yumie: So does Iscariot! You have a funny segment planned for us, right author?**

**Wolf: Yeah, I might even make it a chapter. I'd like to thank takahata101 in advance for fueling my story with great jokes. **

**Schrodinger: You use his stuff a lot. **

**Wolf: I know, but when you see each episode of his abridged series at least five times, the jokes stick. Anyway, I've got to get back to Black Ops 2, so thanks for reading, please review, and I was serious about the whole lemon issue. Leave your opinion in a review or pm. I know some have already told me, but would like the general consensus. One last thing…**

**WELCOME TO 2013!**


	11. What The Hell Just Happened?

**Wolf:…*cough*…someone do the intro…*cough***

**Felicity: Forgive the author. Like on Christmas Eve, he is under the weather. So while I was getting closer to Rip, he was in bed. Still, he is trying to write this chapter even as a headache overcomes him. *thud* And it looks like he has collapsed from exhaustion.**

**Schrodinger: Does that mean we have to write the story?**

**Felicity: I know what I'm going to write.*Evil laughter as she grabs pen and paper***

_**Rip walked into Felicity's room, completely nude and-**_

**Rip: Stop that!**

**Felicity: Nope, because the author said we will have a lemon later on. The reviewers have spoken and I will claim you as MINE!**

**Wolf: *wakes up and snatches pen from Felicity* Not so fast. Yes, I am planning a lemon, but not for a while. You and Rip aren't even on the same continent at the moment. The most I could do is an awkward scene with Seras and Felicity while Vincent is still handcuffed, but I'm not that bad. Now it's time to get all our minds out of the gutter and see some quality writing. Nothing but dry, classy, sophisticated writing with no humor at all. **

**Oh, and I just learned about the whole Yumie/Yumiko thing so I'll make sure I get it right.**

**Yumiko: I appreciate it. Yumie go back to sleep and don't murder the nice writer.**

**Yumie:*growls***

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"So this is our room? Pretty Spartan if you ask me, and not the good way with energy shields." Felicity said glumly as she found her way to the room she would be sharing with Seras and her dad, who was still unconscious.

"Well it's meant for one person, not three." Seras lugged Vincent inside and deposited him on the table in the center of the room. In the back right corner was the bed Felicity stole from Kenny and gave to Seras, although a lid had been added so it still functioned as a coffin. A door was off to the left that Felicity assumed led to a bathroom. She smirked when she saw the box of pants tucked under the bed.

"I guess I'm glad that I'm not being made to stay with master." Felicity sighed and sat on Seras's bed while Seras sat next to Vincent.

"You don't have to call him master. I only do that while he's around, but you'll be fine here."

"But he is our maker, Seras. We should show him the utmost respect even when we can't see him." Felicity's eyes scanned the walls around her. Before Seras could say anything, a dark laugh came from the walls.

"Very good, Felicity." Alucard said. Felicity and Seras checked the walls again but couldn't find where the voice was coming from. A creaking noise drew them to the bathroom door. Alucard was clapping slowly as he opened the bathroom door and stepped into the main room. "The Police Girl never figured out I was watching."

"Master…" Seras shook with rage. "How long have you been in my bathroom?"

"That's not important…"

"It is. Now how long have you been in there?"

"A few minutes, an hour at the most." Alucard said with a hint of embarrassment, but he would never admit to it. "I just wanted to see that you all were settling in. I do hope Seras hasn't been too rude to you, Felicity."

"Of course not, master. May I ask why you are here?" Felicity tried to maintain her false air of submissiveness, but it was getting to the point of causing physical pain for her.

"I can't see how my favorite fledgling and priest are doing?"

"Of course you can, master." Seras said with small smile at his compliment.

"Not you." Alucard felt compelled to rain on her parade. "I was talking about the Felicity, my good fledgling. In all seriousness, though, I came here to tell you I have an assignment for you."

"What does Sir Integra want us to do?" Seras asked as she picked up Vincent.

"This isn't an assignment from Integra. Think of it as a personal request that you have to do for me or I make your un-lives a living hell." He smiled innocently at Seras.

"No need for threats, master. We would happily do anything you ask." Felicity bowed slightly to Alucard.

"Good. I need you guys to deliver some letters. Take these." Alucard reached into his coat and pulled out two pigeons with notes tied to their legs. "Seras, you and Vincent will be taking this to America while Felicity takes this to the Vatican." Vincent groaned in his sleep when Alucard said Felicity would be going to the Vatican.

"Forgive him. He isn't very liked there or anywhere for that matter." Felicity shrugged as she looked at her father with unconcealed hatred. "So how will we be getting to our destinations? If you don't want Integra to know about this we can't use Hellsing funds to get a private jet."

"I've had Walter arrange for your flights at a public airport. Just make sure the pigeon is delivered, and Oliver will handle the rest."

"Oliver?" Seras and Felicity asked.

"The carrier pigeon Felicity is holding. Jeff is the one Seras has. Now off with you!" Alucard waved goodbye as he stepped back into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. Seras and Felicity just stood there, staring at the door.

"What the hell just happened?"

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"Yumiko! Heinkel!" Maxwell roared. In his private office located in the Vatican, Enrico Maxwell had assembled his top operatives for the most important assignment of their lives, and his.

"As you all know, today is the day Alucard sends his monthly death threat to the pope. As proud members of Iscariot, we can't allow his holiness to discover these letters or else we will be…" He trailed off as everyone was aware of what would happen to the idiots who let the pope get a letter from The Crimson Fucker. In Iscariot they called him the Scarlett Shithead, but they had to admit Crimson Fucker sounded better.

"We won't let you done, Maxwell." Yumiko chirped, ever the optimist.

"It's just another carrier pigeon. We'll catch it like all the others." Heinkel dismissed the threat offhandedly, but her eyes where already scanning the skies from Maxwell's office window.

"That may not be true." Maxwell corrected her. "I received a letter in the mail a week prior from that pig sow Integra's pet vampire. He so boldly stated that this letter would be personally delivered to the pope on this day, leading me to believe Alucard himself will attempt to make the delivery."

Heinkel raised a brow while Yumiko started shaking. "Do you have any proof?" The German turned from the window with her hands resting on her desert eagles.

Maxwell opened a drawer in his desk and removed a large book the size of thesaurus.

_The big book of death threats to Iscariot. Just keeps getting bigger every day._ Heinkel whistled.

"It says here, and I quote, _'It's time for a vampire to do a pigeon's job.'_" Maxwell removed the glasses that no one saw him get and closed the book. "Do you see the problem now?"

Heinkel nodded her understanding while Yumiko still seemed like she was thinking it over. "Does this mean Alucard is coming to take a crap on our statues?"

Heinkel and Maxwell looked to each other and let out simultaneous sighs. "Yumiko, perhaps it's best we let Yumie take control today. Just until the trouble has passed." The German recommended.

"What?! You know I hate letting her take control. She always kills people and is a total bi-." She was interrupted a convulsion that rippled through out her body.

"I may kill people, but you're the bitch here!" Yumie barked as she reached up to remove her glasses, only to interrupted by another convulsion.

"You are! And I hate you. All you do is get me into trouble." Yumiko sobbed. The other two 'Normal' ones watched this silently and had started edging along the walls towards the door to freedom. Whenever Yumiko tried to speak she would raise her glasses, but Yumie took control before she finish and pulled it back down.

"I'm the one there for you when you are weak! Which you always are, but the lesson here is that I'm the only one who will always be here for you." It was becoming apparent that the one facing her left was Yumie while Yumiko was the right, making this back forth look like an awkward dance of sorts with the head turning, convulsions, and glasses moving.

"You mean it?" Yumiko sobbed.

"Yes! Now let me take control so we can get The Precious."

_Shit!_ Heinkel didn't dare curse aloud, lest she draw their attention.

"We do need the precious."

"Good Yumiko. We will kill them in their sleep and take The Precious. All you need is me and The Precious, and god, but that's a different matter."

Yumiko eyes filled with understanding as she slowly turned towards her fleeing partner and boss who were only inches away from the door. "If I take the precious, I no need to kill anymore. I be safe."

Yumie/Yumiko stalked towards Heinkel and Maxwell, who was hiding behind Heinkel. "I protect you Yumiko, like I always have! We can be together forever~"

"Yumiko, stop this now!" Maxwell shouted from behind Heinkel.

"No Yumiko, you don't need to listen to him. Let me kill them for you."

Yumie/Yumiko stopped dead in their tracks and clutched their head in pain. "No, Yumie! Master is nice and kind." She staggered backwards. "I don't need you."

"What?" Yumie said in disbelief.

"That's right. Master takes care of me now." A smile spread across Yumiko's/Yumie's face. "Go away."

"What did you say?"

"Go away…and never come back. Go away and never come back! Go away! Go away! Go away and never come back!" As though someone dumped a bucket of water on her, Yumie melted away to the deepest corners of Yumiko's mind.

Yumiko, now in full control again, took a moment to straighten out her ruffled robes and adjust her displaced glasses. "So what were we doing?"

Maxwell and Heinkel shared an astonished look. Then they said the same five words.

"What the hell just happened?"

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The plane had deposited Felicity in Rome just after sunset, leaving the girl with a beautiful crescent moon as she leisurely ran across the rooftops towards her final destination.

"Vatican City, second worst place for a vampire to be." The first is Death City, of course. "That Maka chop is a real pain in my ass." She scanned the broadening horizon of rooftops, dotted with chimneys and other obstructions. The soft meowing of cats lulled Felicity, but also brought pangs of regret.

Felicity stopped her free running and stared up at the midnight blue sky. The color reminded her of a loved one's hair. "Oh Rip. I wonder you and the guys are doing?"

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"Lodestar bitch!" One soldier yelled at his losing friend next to him. "That's how you get a game winning kill."

"Keep it down. I'm farving over here." Another called form the corner of Felicity's room. The massive party the men had thrown after Felicity left was still in full swing, although some found it in odd taste. Luckily, beer bongs filled with a mix of blood and Russian vodka tends to solve almost all problems until the morning after. The party originated in Felicity's quarters, but soon spread to the control room and rest of the base.

It didn't help that Schrodinger was leading the festivities; a bottle of vodka in each hand as he sat perched on the swaying shoulders of Hans. "More! Bring me MORE!"

_You have a real set of lungs, my drunken friend._ Hans smirked up at Schrodinger.

"You calling *hic* me drunk?" He pointed at himself with a bottle. It spilled half its contents onto his shirt, which subsequently went all over Hans' head. "I think you aren't drunk enough!" He let a bottle 'slip' from his grasp and hit Hans square behind his head. The glass bottle shattered and released its contents over his head.

Hans rubbed a hand over his sore head. _What the hell Sch-_ This time, Schrodinger smashed the bottle over Hans head. Now Hans was a tough guy, but vodka proved tougher as he fell to the floor unconscious. Schrodinger was so busy laughing he forgot to get off and hit the floor head first, knocking him out as well.

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In the cafeteria, Zorin was defending her title as blood pong champion and won the last twenty games in a row. Sadly for the twenty losers, the blood they drank was donated by Magic Johnson. Zorin was a high stakes player.

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In the laboratory of Doc, he and Kenny lay on separate tables, staring at the overhead lamps.

"Doc?"

"Yeah?"

"Where did you get all this meth?"

"Schrodinger. He was big into the drug scene back in the day." Doc turned away from the street lamp and towards Kenny. "Did you know Stan Lee based a character off him?"

"Was it the Black Cat? He does look feminine enough for it."

"No you stupid man. It was the Kingpin. Sadly, Schrodinger was only known by reputation so he had to guess on his appearance. Hard to believe he was that far off."

"I can't imagine Schrodinger being fat, let alone wearing a-" Kenny's back arched as he clutched his heart. "My heart! It's started beating again! I can't believe overdosing on drugs is the cure to vampirism." Doc adjusted his glasses as he got off the table and stumbled over to Kenny.

"Amazing. Archimedes, my bone saw!" Doc held up a hand and a white dove with a bone saw landed in his hand. "Let's see that heart."

"Doc? You're tripping balls right now. Just put down the saw!" Doc's ears were closed to all, but the white dove on his shoulder.

"Cut him open, doctor." The dove cooed in his ear.

"Gladly, Archimedes." Doc obliged the bird and began cutting up poor Kenny, who was too busy helping Nyan Cat save the world by eating hordes of Tac Nayn. He was chewing on his seventh waffle when he realized his heart cavity was exposed.

"Doctor? What are you doing? Stop this"

"You forget I was a soldier."

Kenny reached up and grabbed hold of Doc. "YOU WERE A DOCTOR!"

"I had bad days too. Now quiet yourself. Archimedes, get my medi-gun."

"There is no such thing…"

"Must I sedate you?"

"If you would, please. Being alive now, this hurts a lot." At this time, the bird returned carrying Doc's medi-gun.

"You will feel much better after this." Kenny's eye's widened in horror as he pointed the device at Kenny and fired. Archimedes squawked merrily as the MP40 it handed Doc ripped Kenny to pieces.

Remember kids. Don't do drugs, or a talking animal will make you murder your friends in a ritualistic fashion while you are tripping balls.

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"What the hell is going on here?" Rip thundered as she walked into Felicity's room. Her grip tightened on the barrel of her musket to the point she thought it might snap in two.

"Just having a party, Rip."

"And why are you partying?"

"Because it's safe to come out now. With Felicity gone, out team killing has gone way down." The guy who scored a Loadstar told her.

"Get out of this room before I paint the walls red with all your drunken blood!" Rip snapped.

_Let me help._ The Huntress told her. Rip felt like a reassuring hand was guiding her as she raised her already loaded musket towards the crowd of surprised soldiers.

"I think we aren't the only ones drunk here." He elbowed the guy next to him, only his elbow never reached his friend. A musket ball tore through his arm, looping around and hitting him until the arm was severed.

"Leave!" This time, they headed her warning. The room was as empty as the stands at a Mets game in a minute flat. The gaming soldier was the last one out as he had to stop to retrieve his arm.

_Well at least we got them out. What do you want to do know? _The Huntress retreated back to a comfortable position. Rip stepped further into the room and almost tripped on the passed out forms of Hans and Schrodinger.

"Even Hans got caught up in it." Rip was beginning to feel glum so she sat on the edge of Felicity's bed, which was now soaked in booze.

_I've got an idea that Felicity would approve of._

"What would that be?"

_I'll just take control for an hour and I can guarantee Hans and Schrodinger will never touch another drop of liquor for years to come. Also, if you get pictures we can black mail them for at least two more decades._

She brought two fingers to her right temple and rubbed her sore head. To her side she saw the plushy modeled after herself. A sly grin found a home on her face.

"Then let's get to work."

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**Wolf: Part 1 of 2 is complete! Will Hans and Schrodinger survive? What is Rip planning? Will Felicity deliver the message? What has Hellsing been doing? Why do I keep asking questions? **

**Felicity: Because you are an idiot, but you are our idiot.**

**Rip: Yeah, just don't make me do anything embarrassing or I will use this musket.**

**Wolf: Yeah, yeah. Just want to say I laughed my ass off writing this chapter, and hopefully the conclusion will be equally funny. If you'll excuse me *picks up LMG* I've got a pet project to work on.**

**Felicity: If it cuts into your writing time…**

**Wolf: I'm not fully dedicated to it so relax. Just writing some bits and pieces when I can. Be good because I'm considering adding you. For now, just forget the last four sentences of mine and review this story. Recommend it to your friends, family, neighbors, and even that little boy you know who is smart enough to use his cuteness to get close to older woman. You know that kid. We all think he's cute till he cops a feel. **

**Felicity: Read and review while I kick the author's ass.**

**Wolf: I've got an LMG and you've got a knife. BRING IT OOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!**


	12. The Hangover: Millennium Edition

**Wolf: Hello again. I'm back from my fight with Felicity and would like to say I won. Normally this is the part of the opening monologue where everyone comes and yells at me, but I've told them to shut up so I can thanks the people who have reviewed almost every chapter.**

**To pointy22, whose own story helped inspire me to go with Rip x OC rather than Seras x OC. I'm still waiting for more chapters from you, so UPDATE or Felicity will take your Rip from Krysta.**

**Karly101, my favorite Mexican. I don't normal watched subbed anime, and even less Google translated fanfics, but you have proven to be the exception. Your plucky reviews, like pointy22's, inspire me to write.**

**CaptianvKickass, who I don't really know about. Still, you have proven to be a faithful reviewer and have helped on a few issues. With all your ideas I'm surprised you haven't written your own stories.**

**Last, but certainly not least, is my mentor. FollieOfMadness, the guy who helped me write my first story and always points out my errors. Your constructive criticism has molded this story from an otaku's wet dream into a decent and respectable story. Like point22**

**Thanks to you and everyone else I failed to mention for your support and I hope you continue **

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Schrodinger was oddly comfortable in bed, all-encompassing warmth emanating from behind him urging him back to sleep. Despite this, his pink eyes slowly fluttered open. He tried to raise his arms above his head to stretch, but found they were restrained. Agitated, he looked down and found a pair of muscular arms wrapped around his naked body.

"Did I sleep with Zorin again?" With feline grace, Schrodinger twisted around to see who was holding him. "No. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST NO!" He screamed. Awoken by his screaming, an equally horrified Hans stared at him, mouth agape as he tried his best to let out a matching scream.

_What are you doing?!_

"I don't know! Why are we naked?!"

_I don't know! What is poking my leg?!_

"I don't know! What's touching mine?!"

As they screamed at each other, Rip Van Winkle walked in. "What the hell have I just walked in on?"

The intertwined men turned towards her. "We don't know!"

"Why are you in Felicity's room?!" She shouted back at them.

"We don't know!"

Rip brought her hands to rest at her hips. "Then what do you know?"

Pausing to think of a new response, the two stopped to think things through. "Last I remember, I got drunk and passed out after Hans fell over."

_And I remember something hitting me over the head._ Hans glared down at Schrodinger, then realizing he was still holding him, pushed him off the bed with a small grunt of effort before wrapping the comforter around his waist.

"Did you guys…do it?" Rip asked as she took tentative steps toward them.

"I don't- I'm tired of saying that. I'm unsure about it.

_Same here._

Rip suppressed the urge to reveal her shark like grin. "There is a simple test to tell if you two did the deed, but you wouldn't be interested…"

Schrodinger leapt off the ground and put his hands on Rip's shoulders. "Tell us, please!" Rip removed his hands from her person and pushed the nude neko back a step.

"If I must. There are two tests, one hundred percent guaranteed to work." Rip shoved some beer cans off the couch before seating herself. "First, do any of your buts hurt?"

_Well Schrodinger?_ Hans asked, not even bothering to check his.

"Why do you instantly assume I'm receiving?" Hans lifted the comforter and Rip let out a low whistle before he lowered it. "I see your point, literally and figuratively, but I don't feel like _that _was in me."

"Okay then. The final test is even simpler than the first." By now there was nothing she could do to hide her very Felicity like smile. "Anyone have an…odd taste in their mouths."

_Nope. What about you?_ Rip and Hans looked at Schrodinger.

"Sort of."

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"This is the end of the road for you, Oliver." Felicity stroked the pigeon. Her hand plucked the tiny note attached to its leg and shoved it into her pants pocket. "Now be free!" Felicity tossed the bird into the air where it flew off, never to be seen again.

She watched it fly away with all the joy of a mother seeing her child take its first, uncertain steps into the world. "No point bringing Oliver into this mess." With a final wave goodbye, Felicity stepped off the ledge of the rooftop she was on and landed with the grace of her namesake.

Turn on her heels she began walking towards the sprawling structure before her, the center of Catholicism, or simply the Vatican. It was a nice walk with the moon illuminating her path, hanging in the sky perfectly centered above her.

"What a beautiful moon." She looked up at it as she walked, but her face was set in deep scowl. "Yet it will never offer the warmth of the sun. All because of that bastard Alucard." She spat out his name like it was poisonous. "But I'll make him pay. I'll twist his allies against him and raise his enemies to strike him down! He will beg for a death that will never come when I am through with him!"

Her hand began to spasm so she stopped to look at it. "Hush now. Soon enough we will taste blood. I'm just saving it for someone special." It stopped and she continued her walk to the Vatican. That is until she saw two familiar figures coming down the road and she ducked into a doorway.

Yumie and Heinkel were walking in relative silence, eyes observing the night sky.

"Still don't see any pigeons. Just the normal swarms of birds that strip the paint off cars with all their bird shit."

"TMI Yumie." Heinkel told her partner. "Just keep looking until we get to the city limits."

Felicity overheard their conversation and was glad she released Oliver rather than send him into the Vatican. _Maybe they can get me in without a hassle._

"You think we can go get some Korean barbeque if we don't find it? I'm SO h…" Yumie trailed off when Felicity stepped into the middle of the road. "Hello gorgeous."

"Please help me! A man tried to rape me even though I told him I'm into woman." A thin trail of drool fell down Yumie's chin and she took shaky steps towards her.

"This is even better then when woman fell from the rooftops." She muttered as she reached out and wrapped protective, and probing, arms around her. "It's going to be okay."

"What's your name kid?" Heinkel asked as glowered down at her.

"Felic- Carl Johnson…I mean Noel Jackson." _Shit, I'm horrible with making up names!_

"You were going to Felicity just now, weren't you?" Heinkel retrieved her dessert eagle from its holster. Yumie looked up at her with a mixture of conflicting emotions.

"Fuck I did it again!"

"No! She can't be her. I was so close to getting laid!" She cried into Felicity's shoulder as she held her in an almost bone crushing grip. Then her eyes locked with where Felicity's where under her hair. "What do you want from us you manipulative harlot?!"

To back up her statement, Heinkel calmly pushed the barrel of her gun against Felicity's cheek.

_I sense the irony is strong with this one._ Felicity thought.

"I just came to ask you to take me to my father."

"You know we have a restraining order against him the size of Italy. Why do you think he is in PROTESTANT England?" Yumie shouted.

"Give us your real reason, or I leave you with Yumie in a sleazy motel on the wrong side of town that I will personally pay for her to spend the next week in with no one to hear your screams!" Heinkel threatened and began to reach for her wallet.

"I knew you cared, Heinkel. I just knew it!" Yumie was like a kid about to tear into a Christmas present, and judging by the sword on her back the expression was probably more accurate than Felicity would have liked.

"Alright, I'm not looking for Vincent. I've got a message from Sir Integra to the head of Iscariot." _Thank god for Millennium's pamphlet on their enemies and allies. Odd that The Major started printing them after I arrived. It was titled 'Avoiding Friendly Fire 101' and had colorful pictures she really liked, mainly the ones with Kenny being killed._

Heinkel stopped reaching for her wallet and leaned forward. With her free hand she pushed Felicity's hair to the side so she could look her in the eyes. "What do you know about Hellsing?"

"Newest member. Integra needed some human guards after their recent attack, so I got hired after I was re-united with Vincent."

"Then what happened to the Nazis?" Yumie asked.

"Neo Nazis. She was so great in the sack I didn't mind her more eccentric friends." She attempted a shrug from her bound position in Yumie's bear hug. _Even though I'm a virgin, no one finds it difficult to think I act solely based on lust and primal urges._

"Do you really think we are that-"

"I completely understand." Yumie interrupted Heinkel. "That's why Yumiko doesn't let me out to play."

"Yumie." Heinkel sighed. "You forget three things. First, Yumiko is straight and is terrified when she wakes up next to a strange chick. Second, she doesn't let you out because the last time she did we ran into Felicity and before that it was the Yakuza. Do you know how many bullets I fired to get you out of a Yakuza wedding? I was shot in the ass twice just so I could get you out before Yumiko took control and found out!"

"Sorry, but first I saw her face, then I saw her waist, and then I saw myself back at her place."

"What's the third?" Felicity asked.

"I forget. Son of a bitch this happens way too often." She pulled back to light herself a cigarette. "So why should we bring you to Maxwell to deliver some dumb letter?"

Felicity looked from Yumie to Heinkel until a devilish grin spread across her face. "I won't tell Yumiko about the Yakuza."

Heinkel's face contorted in shock until it settled into a smug grin. "Yumie here is Yumiko's alternate personality. You can't tell her anything because Yumie is in control and is blocking Yumiko's vision."

Matching her grin, Felicity turned her head slowly to Yumie. "Oh really?"

While Heinkel was busy smoking, Felicity reared her head back and smashed it into a day dreaming Yumie. Her body fell backwards and hit the ground with a dull thud and Felicity rubbed her sore arms with her new found freedom.

Heinkel raised both guns to Felicity's head. "What the hell was that?!"

"I think I just knocked out Yumie, so hopefully Yumiko will wake know." Heinkel followed Felicity's outstretched finger and saw Yumiko was getting up, groggily shaking herself awake.

"Why am I-" Dropping her gun, Heinkel rocketed forward and slugged Yumiko, knocking her out.

"Forgive me, but you can never learn of that day."

Yumie was beginning to pick herself up when Felicity ran over and delivered a hammer kick to her head. "Wakey wakey eggs and bakey~"

"I feel like I've been hit by a-" Heinkel grabbed Yumiko by her head and slammed her into the ground.

"I'm sorry!"

"But I'm not!" Felicity punched Yumie. Then Heinkel hit Yumiko. Felicity punched Yumie. Then Heinkel hit Yumiko. Felicity punched Yumie. Then Heinkel hit Yumiko. Felicity punched Yumie. Then Heinkel hit Yumiko. Felicity punched Yumie. Then Heinkel hit Yumiko.

This went on for a while.

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"Sorry to tell you this, but you had sex last night." Rip told Hans and Schrodinger with what little pity she could muster. "Which means Felicity was correct in assuming that you were into each other."

Schrodinger had curled up into a ball and was rocking back and forth on the floor. "That can't be true. It just can't!"

_Rip, I've been alive for a long time and haven't gone to bed with another man before. Why the hell am I suddenly gay now?_

"Don't know, but you too are always together. You gave him that tail which could indicate you've been staring at his ass a lot or needed a proper excuse to. Maybe you've been doing all this subconsciously."

"What do we do know, Hans? What the hell do we do now?" Schrodinger sobbed. Rip almost felt bad for him.

"I think you two need to seriously consider your relationship together, now that you've…" Rip was looking for the right word. "…mated, you will have to talk about your feelings, get married, and eventually become a fantastically dressed couple with an adopted Ethiopian baby named Schrohaninger or some other combination of your names.." Rip chirped happily.

There are no words to describe the expressions on Hans' and Schrodinger's faces. They passed horror when they woke up in each other's arms. Terror while Schrodinger was on the floor. They had achieved the anti-Nirvana of fear, shock, and dread. It was like they had watched the Human Centipede movies all in a row and then finished with the Evil dead trailers before immediately going to bed in a small, dark room during the middle of a thunderstorm.

_Where are my guns?_

Rip looked around the room, but knew she wouldn't find them. "I don't know Hans. Why do you ask?"

_I one night of drunken tomfoolery, I've killed my will to live._

"At least you _can_ choose to opt out. I'm the closest thing on this god forsaken earth to immortal!" Schrodinger snapped back.

"Guys." Rip got between them. "You have each other now, to love and cherish for the rest of your lives. Learn to treasure your time with each other."

Hans and Schrodinger exchanged a look. Then they went green and puked up a mix of blood, vodka, and something extra for Schrodinger.

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"Are you getting tired yet?" Felicity asked Heinkel in between punches to Yumie.

"Not in the slightest. I'm doing this for you, Yumiko!" Heinkel responded as she punched Yumiko.

"Good, because I can go all night."

"What in the blood soaked Protestant whore is going on here?" The two looked up from the battered and bloody Yumie, or Yumiko as they had lost count and spent an hour trying to chain together combos, to see a broad shouldered man with teal eyes behind thick glasses stomping towards them. He wore robes similar to Heinkel's and had a matching cross hanging low on his chest. His blonde hair was almost flat at the top. He stopped a foot away from the woman.

"Father Anderson!" Heinkel stammered, letting go of the clump of Yumie's hair she was holding. "What are you doing here?"

His scarred face screamed WTF did I walk in on, but he did her the courtesy of answering. "My job. Now what have I just walked in on and who is she?" He pointed at Felicity.

"Seeing no point in deception at this point, I'll tell you my name is Felicity Ira and I came to deliver a message to the pope from Hellsing."

Heinkel glared at her. "You said it was for Iscariot."

"I lied."

"Enough! Can someone explain why Yumiko is being beaten by an agent of Hellsing and her own partner?"

Felicity looked ready to answer so Heinkel spun on her heel and drove her knee hard into Felicity's gut. She doubled over in pain as Heinkel turned back to Anderson. "What happens in Japan…"

"Stays in Japan. I understand." He patted her on the head with a rough, calloused hand. Apparently it had been a family outing when Yumie met a member of the Japanese mafia. "Now what to do about her?"

Felicity got up off the ground, unlike Yumie who would need to go to the hospital. "You could take this letter to the pope for me."

Anderson wasn't that dumb. "Do you know who wrote that letter?"

"Sir Inte-"

"Liar!" He roared in her face, startling her.

"It was Alucard!"

"Good girl." He instinctively reached out and patted her head, more out of him being used to doing this with kids than any actual endearment towards Felicity.

"Can I just give you the letter to deliver for me? I'm uncertain if Father Vincent's restraining order applies to me." Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out an envelope and held it before Anderson.

He reached out and plucked the envelope from her waiting hands. "Of course." In a flash he retrieved a bayonet from his sleeve and ripped the envelope to shreds. "Heinkel, we're done here. Let's take Yumiko to the hospital."

"That was predictable." Anderson and Heinkel looked up from Yumiko to the expressionless Felicity. "Did you really think I would give you the real letter that easy?"

Anderson rose to his full height and bared his teeth as he grinned at the girl. "Heinkel, did you say she was with Hellsing?"

"Yes Father Anderson. Should I leave this to you while I take Yumiko to the hospital?"

"Yes." He cracked his neck and was rewarding with a satisfied popping sound. Felicity did the same and hers was almost twice as loud. "I've been itching to fight a heathen for some time now."

"I'm agnostic." Felicity grumbled.

"Even better." He pulled out another bayonet so he had one in each hand. Felicity reached into her coat and pulled out her knives. "And someone who doesn't use guns. What a breath of fresh air."

"Same here. At last I can kill someone who isn't on my own team and who looks like he can put up a fight." Running forward she brought both daggers in a downward slash, hoping to catch him by surprise. He caught her blades with his own and leaned forward.

"You're a fiery heathen, ain't ya?"

"People who fight Alucard tend to be so!" She shouted as she pushed back against Anderson. His feet slid against the pavement a few inches, but held firm. "I wouldn't be here if I wasn't."

Lashing out with his leg, Anderson caught her in the ribs and knocked her back. "So you fought the Hellsing pet vampire. Then how come you are with Hellsing?" He threw several bayonets in Felicity's direction. She rolled to the side, but a bayonet nicked her shoulder.

"Bloody hell that hurt!" She looked down through the tear in her suit and saw the skin around the wound was smoking and turned blue.

"Now it makes sense." Anderson laughed in her face. "You're his vampire!"

Rage boiled up inside Felicity . "I AM NO ONES!" Killing intent rolled off her in waves, quieting the priest's laughter. Her eyes flashed red and her teeth became razor sharp. "He will beg for death when I have my vengeance!"

Stealing himself, Anderson tightened his stance and arranged his bayonets in his signature crossed form. "May god in heaven have mercy on your soul." Letting out an animalistic cry Felicity ran headlong at him, slashing wildly all the way. Anderson raised both blades upwards in preparation of ending it all in one strike.

"Gotcha!" Felicity stopped slashing wildly. She bent back and went into a slide, going right between Anderson's legs. Her knives were ready as she went, tearing through his calves and leaving a scarlet trail as she went. She snapped up to her feet in one fluid motion as her momentum died out.

Anderson fell to his knees as his legs gave out beneath him, head hanging low. Felicity sauntered over to him, only stopping to admire the blood trail she left. "Do you have any last words for a heathen like myself?"

"Aye."

She placed a knife on each side of his neck in an X-shape from behind him. "Then speak."

"Gotcha ya agnostic bastard!" Two more bayonets came out of his sleeve. He drove them into Felicity's gut and rolled forward, narrowly avoiding a bad haircut.

"It hurts even worse now!" She ripped the bayonets out of her gut and didn't bother to look at the thin trails of smoke. "That's a dirty trick for a priest."

Anderson let out deep raucous laugh. "I've been raising kids for so long they rubbed off me. Now are you ready to say your last words?" He got up like he was never wounded in the first place and turned to her.

"Alucard said something similar before he forced me to become a creature of the night. It is fitting my response now should be something similar." She calmed herself as the emotion drained from her face.

Anderson wondered what his boisterous opponent was doing. "What are you…" Felicity bent over to the blood trail and ran her index finger through it.

"I've always been a monster." Her eyes flickered up to meet his. "But he made me an abomination." Her tongue darted out and enveloped her finger. Her blood felt warm as her body absorbed Anderson's blood, like she was almost alive again. She felt reinvigorated in every sense of the word, felt ready to take on the world. Her eyes rolled back as she savored the coppery taste, but then she stopped herself. "This is what is what I gained for my very soul? Euphoria? Ecstasy? None of it can value me!" She felt like spitting out the red liquid in disgust, but knew she needed it.

"Aye, and it saddens me to know such a young life was cut short, but your time on this earth draws to a close." He held a bayonet between each finger now, ready to throw.

"You won't be deciding that, Anderson." He threw the blades he had readied and before they were halfway to their target he threw another volley. Felicity crouched low before pushing off the ground and into the air. She tucked into a roll as she flew higher and higher and wind blew her hair out of her face. Eyes blazing red and wicked smile blazing right with them. She released a knife as she began to slow down. "Let's end this!"

She struck out with her leg, using the momentum of her roll and fall to strike the free falling knife at the butt of the handle. The knife did not sail towards Anderson, nor did it fly. It rent the air and very fabric of space as it traveled towards at blinding speeds.

"Now this is a fight!" Anderson bellowed as he raised two bayonets in defense. His eyes focused on the knife and he adjusted his own accordingly. "Show me what you got heathen!" He grit his teeth as the knife made contact with his crossed bayonets. Cracks erupted along the bayonets' lengths, but they held firm and Felicity's knife fell to the ground with a clang.

"Was that it you heath-" Anderson was knocked off his feet as a second knife slipped past his bayonets and rammed through his lung. _The shadow! She sent the other knife in the first's shadow so it slipped past me undetected._ He thought embittered. When he hit the ground the knife caught in the ground, holding it in place.

_I can't heal my lung with the knife still in it._ Anderson tried to reach for the knife's handle, but Felicity landed square on his shoulders, breaking bone and pinning his arms.

"Uh uh uh. You lost Anderson and now it's time to pay the piper."She pulled the real letter from Alucard out of her pant pocket. "I'm going to leave this message with you so when you wake up you can do whatever you want with it." Anderson gurgled in response. "Don't worry. I'm not going to kill you. If I did that, it would make Alucard happy. Can you promise not to tell him any of this?"

Anderson rolled his eyes and nodded. "Good. Now I think I've mastered this after all the practice I got on Yumie." Felicity raised both hands above her head. "Sleep tight, don't let the street urchins loot you in your sleep~" She slammed her clasped hands down into Anderson's head and he lost consciousness soon afterward.

Felicity pulled out the knife that kept his lung from healing. After a minute she saw the steady rise and fall of his chest and knew he would be fine until help came for him. She was about to place the envelope on his body when curiosity overcame her.

"Why not take a peak?" She opened the envelope and read the first line of it.

"This isn't for the Vatican. Fuck, I got the wrong letter." Then she thought further. "Which means…"

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_Endor, California_

"Faster Seras!" Vincent called as he fired his blaster. The Ton Ton bucked as it increased in speed.

"Just keep shooting those storm troopers until we grab George Lucas!" Seras swung her light saber at an ewok that got dangerously close.

"You'll never catch me. No agents of the Crimson Fucker can stop me from selling Star Wars to Disney. No one!" George Lucas cackled as his speeder bike zoomed ahead and he flung boulders at the pursuing Ton Ton using the force, which he was strong with because he discovered it.

"Shit! Seras, turn around. We got the wrong letter." Seras looked back and read the letter Vincent held up for her.

"Then that means…."

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Heinkel was mystified as too what happened while she was away. After depositing Yumiko at the hospital and spending a considerable amount of time finding an excuse for her injuries, she was now staring at an almost naked, save for his underwear and gloves, Alexander Anderson. It was odd seeing the man who raised you like that, laying on a dirty city street.

Then she saw the opened letter on his chest, the only thing not valuable enough for people to steal. Heinkel picked it up and read the first few lines before bursting out laughing.

"We got our asses kicked over mother fucking Jar Jar Binks and Mickey Mouse!" She couldn't help herself. The stupidity of it all that could only come from some omnipotent being writing it was too much for the German who fell down next to her mentor and laughed until sunrise.

"Damn you Felicity!" She growled between fits of laughter.

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Rip was still thoroughly enjoying herself, even though her internal clock told her she had spent all night messing with the two.

"Hans, I think we have to accept we have feelings for each other." Schrodinger conceded. He found Felicity's spare pants and was delighted to find they fit. Hans was still wrapped in Felicity's sheets. Both were two afraid to leave the room lest they be spotted by anyone of note.

_I think we might._ Hans stared soulfully at Schrodinger's eyes and Schrodinger felt a deep blush spread across his face.

_Oh my god they are going to kiss!_ Rip thought in triumph. _Just have to stay quite a little longer._

Schrodinger was slowly approaching the bed, eyes never leaving Hans.

_This is without a doubt The Huntress's best idea ever._

"Be gentle."

_I'll try._ Hans told him uncertainly.

_I might pee myself._ Rip was biting her bottom lip to keep herself still.

Hans reached out and pulled Schrodinger onto his lap.Their lips were so close one only had to stick out his tongue to make contact.

Rip fell off the couch laughing. "I'm sorry, but I can't hold it anymore!"

"We're trying to have a moment here! This is hard enough without you laughing at us." Schrodinger huffed as he scooted off Hans' lap.

"I can't keep it up anymore." She paused to catch her breath. "You aren't gay!"

"What!" They yelled in unison. "But the bed…and the taste."

"I positioned you guys like that after you passed out." Rip chortled which didn't sound good coming from her.

_And the taste in Schrodinger's mouth?_

"Beer can some guy pissed in. You drank that like a champ, by the way."

"Where did you get the can?"

"Think I found it in the cafeteria where Zorin was playing blood pong. Some guy who lost gave it to me." Then it hit all of them. Hans and Rip started to snicker as they turned to Schrodinger.

"Fuck me." Hans looked ready to start laughing himself.

_No thanks._

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**Felicity: Author, you wear a scarf that is over fifty dollars, just wrote all that Hans/Schrodinger, and have never kissed a girl whose age was in the double digits. I think you're-**

**Wolf: That scarf is the same scarf Tom Baker wore and I'm a late bloomer with the ladies.**

**Felicity: And the Hans/Schrodinger.**

**Wolf: Ugh…I read that in an Inuyasha fanfic when I first came to this website and thought it would be hilarious in Hellsing. **

**Anderson: I did stuff that didn't involve a pedophilia joke! It's a bloody miracle. **

**Wolf: Keep pushing your luck and Yumiko will walk in on you with an eight year old boy. Now that I've explained myself, I hope you enjoyed and please review. **

**Also check out the stories of the FollieOfMadness, pointy22, and Karly101. pointy just updated her Hellsing story and Follie frequently updates his awesome D. Gray-Man story. Karly101's Hellsing story is even raunchier than mine so give it a look. Good bye folks.**

**Schrodinger: You gave me HIV! YOU MOTHER F-**


	13. What We Have Become

**Radar: At 0900 hours, Wolf's plane was shot down over the pacific. There were no survivors. *Cries and runs back to MASH***

**Schrodinger: He's gone. I can't believe he's gone. **

**Hans: I know. You know what this means?**

**Schrodinger: PARTY AT HELLSING!*Balloons, streamers, and cake appear. Everyone is enjoying themselves. The Major is flirting with Integra, Felicity is trying to convince Seras she looks like Schrodinger, Hans is having a staring contest with Walter, and Alucard is knocking back bottles of blood with the ghost of Integra's father when the door swings open, revealing a battered and bloodied Wolf.***

**Wolf: So you thought I was gone, eh?**

**Schrodinger: Damn those Korean AA guns. What's the point of paying people to kill the author if they fail?**

**Wolf: You forgot one thing Schrodinger. They shot me down with my spoon!**

**Schrodinger: NO! *party ends as Wolf threatens everyone with a spoon.***

**Wolf: I'll let you get away with this because of the Hans/Schrodinger, but the next attempt you make on my life will be your last. Now go back to your room! *Throws spoon which buries itself in Schrodinger's forehead* So let's begin another chappy full of Felicity!**

**!WARNING!**

**This is a mostly serious chapter. I can't make them all obscenely funny or else the plot won't advance. And yes, there is a plot! **

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Alucard sighed into his folded hands. Standing before him in his room was the Police Girl, Felicity, and Vincent, who was limply holding the severed head of Jar Jar Binks.

_At least he killed that thing. The remastered movies have a chance of being bearable, even if Chris Tucker is playing C3PO._

He unclasped his hands from in front of his face and reached into his coat. Alucard pulled out the Casull and rested it on his lap. "Who wants to talk first?"

"You see, master…" Seras started.

"It appears I swapped the letters before we got on the plane." Felicity held Seras back as she stepped forward. "I take full responsibility for this egregious blunder."

Alucard's gaze softened and he tucked his gun back in his coat. "Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure the Police Girl and Vincent somehow managed to screw up a task so simple a fat man and his satchel can do in five feet of snow while being chased by dogs."

Vincent looked offended. "Why do you think I'm at fault?"

"I can pull out the Casull and shoot you faster than you can say 'Wesa gonna die' so I suggest you stay quiet."

"Yes sir!" Vincent jumped. Felicity and Seras couldn't help but groan at the spineless coward.

"Is there anything else you would like before we retire for the morning, master?" Felicity bowed as she spoke, appealing to Alucard's old world tastes.

"No. That will be all." Seras was dragged out as Vincent ran with super human speeds out of the room.

Felicity face palmed in embarrassment. "I swear I'm adopted."

She turned to leave, but felt a hand clasp her shoulder. "A moment if you will."

_So close, but no cigar. _Felicity faced her master with a strained smile. "Is there something you need?"

"Have you had blood yet?"

"A few drops. A priest named Anderson."

Alucard face fell. "You ran into Anderson? You don't appear injured."

Felicity chuckled. "Judging by the knife I put through his lung, he was the one worse off."

Alucard raised his eyebrows in shock before letting out his own, more sinister laugh. "An impressive feat. Police Girl was ran through by at least eight of his bayonets before I had to rescue her, but you managed to kill the priest and drink his blood. What a powerful familiar he will make." He mused.

Felicity cleared her throat. "Well…he isn't exactly dead. I ensured he survived to send a message to Iscariot and I only drank a few drops off the ground."

"So you haven't taken the soul of another." Alucard sighed. He released his hold on her shoulder and returned to his chair. "Are you going to be like the Police Girl and refuse to do so?"

"No. I'm just waiting for the right person." Alucard's face lost all trace of humor and mirth as he leaned forward in his chair.

"I'm going to try something different with you."

"Okay. What would that be?"

"I'm going to give you twenty four hours to drink blood. Not just a drop but every drop, until you take their very soul."

Felicity hesitated before responding. "It will be done." Felicity took a step back towards the door.

"Wait!" She stopped. "You will also be given incentive to do this quickly." He ran his hand down Felicity's scarf. "If you can find someone within twenty four hours, I'll give you your scarf back."

"I would be very-"

"If you don't find someone, however, I will destroy this scarf and feed the remnants to Baskerville." His voice was calm and steady. Baskerville arose from the shadows around his chair and sat at Alucard's side, expecting a tasty meal of wool and blood. "Am I understood?"

_I'm going to make you eat your fucking hat for that threat and you don't even want to know where I'll put that bow._ Ever muscle in her face wanted to contort into a scowl and her hands began to drift towards her knives. _But I'll play along you bastard._

Felicity let hers body go lax. "I'll get it done. Is that all?"

Alucard saw a shudder going through her hand, but dismissed it offhandedly. "Good morning, Felicity."

"Good morning…master."

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"Alright, Vincent. You can turn around." Vincent did as Seras instructed. He frowned as he saw Seras had swapped her skirt and top for sweatpants and a t-shirt patterned after the English flag. "Don't give me that look."

"I can't help it. It's like seeing Angelina Jolie on the set of Tomb Raider and then her in jeans and a sweatshirt. You want to see her in the short skirt and skin tight shirt."

"Shouldn't a priest be more reserved than this?"

"I'm divorced and in exile so I'm enjoying life to the fullest every day."

Seras had to resist the urge to smack the man. "I'm going to bed now." She jumped into bed, scaring the snoring Arthur off the bed. "Sorry Arthur."

"No problem. Just get tuna when you wake up." Arthur stood next to the bed, ready to help her sleep.

"Can I sleep in the bed?" Vincent pushed his index fingers together as he avoided her eyes.

"When you can get these cuffs off, I'll consider it." She looked to Arthur and nodded. The big cat leaned forward and bit her outstretched hand.

"Good morning boys." Seras said before she let sleep overcome her and she sank into the sheets of her bed. Arthur padded over to the bedpost at the end of the bed and pushed his snout into a small, red button. A lid descended from the ceiling and fit snugly around the bed, turning it into a makeshift coffin that would keep her strength up until she succumbed to her bloodlust. A tiny hole was drilled into it to allow for the chain connecting her and Vincent to lay unimpeded.

"At least I have you, Arthur." Vincent grumbled as he sat on the chair he pulled up next to the bed.

"If you try and touch my pretty girl, I make you my bitch, ya hear?" The cat threatened before walking out the door, closing it behind him with one of his many tails.

"That is why I'm a dog person." Vincent griped as he tried to make himself comfortable.

"Mom always joked if I was a boy you would have named me Rex." Vincent looked up and saw Felicity leaning against the door frame. He tried to go to her, but the jangle of a chain and the thud of Seras slamming her head against wood forced him back in his seat.

"How have you been?"

Felicity raised a brow. "Really? You start with that. Not very original." She took a chair from the center table and placed it the opposite end of Seras' bed, across from Vincent.

"What should I say? You were kidnapped by Nazis and the next time I saw you, you were a vampire and beat me unconscious."

She scratched the back of her head. "Had to get on Alucard's good side in order to infiltrate this place. I figured you would have gotten on his bad side within the first day you met him so hitting you when you were obviously about to say something he wouldn't have liked was the easiest way to earn his acceptance."

"Infiltrate?"

"You didn't think I actually came here because I wanted to, or had some moral obligation?" Vincent was sent reeling from her words.

"Did you come to get me?"

Felicity had to hold onto a bedpost to remain upright. She was laughing so hard her face would have turned purple if she needed air to survive. "You? No, I'm here to get my scarf and kill Alucard."

"Stop!" Vincent shouted at the laughing girl. "You were getting-"

"Better? No. I learned how to hide it, but since I wormed my way into Millennium, I've killed many people."

Vincent ground his teeth in frustration. "I won't let you do this!" He shouted as loud as he could. Felicity shot out of her chair and clamped a pale hand over his mouth to silence any further outbursts.

"The second I was able to kill again you lost all power over me." She whispered into his ear, her voice slipping into the state of an emotional void. "I've invested so much into this. Every little string I've pulled and all the people I've pushed onto the correct paths have all been done so I can do what I want!" Felicity turns Vincent's head towards the bed. "Poor little Seras Victoria. She wonders why her master hates her so and is too kind to blame her only friend." She turns his head back to her. "Yet I'm at fault. I've made Alucard hate her long before I even met him. Giving her the bed, the clothes, the cat, and the friendship of another drove him mad with jealousy." Vincent tried to speak but Felicity's hand still muffled him. She gave him a warning glare before removing her hand.

"Why do this? What kind of purpose does this serve?" He looked up at her with eyes full of questions. Lucky for him she was in a talkative mood.

"It serves my purpose. I am going to do what I want, and if Millennium's goals happen to coincide with mine, then it's fine by me. As for Seras," She looks back at the bed. "my reasons are twofold. One is that I've taken a liking to her and want to see her on the winning side. Second is," a sinister smile spread across her face. "It will pain Alucard when he loses both of his fledglings. Might even break his cold, black heart."

"Felicity," Vincent pleaded with her. "You don't have to do this. Just stop all the plotting and killing. Come home. We can go see your mother-"

"Shut up!" She wrapped her fingers around his throat. "I'm not going back to that life! There is no going back for an abomination!"

Despite the life being throttled out him, Vincent raised a hand and brushed his fingers against his daughter's cold cheek. "…You're…not…abomination." he struggled to tell her. Felicity's eyes widened to the size of saucers and the grip on his throat slackened so he continued. "You're my daughter, and I'll always find it in my heart to forgive you."

Felicity was speechless. No one had ever said she _wasn't_ a monster. Her hands fell away from Vincent's neck. Her legs felt like they couldn't support her weight and she began to wobble. Vincent saw this and with a smile he pulled her onto his lap.

"How can you-"

"I'm a dad. I'm supposed to be there for you when you screw up or break a guy's heart."

Felicity couldn't help but giggle. "Girl's heart, dad."

He looked down at his daughter with a mix of shock and envy. "Really? Anything else I should know? You aren't an alien by any chance, are you?"

"No. I'm just your average sociopathic, manipulative, homicidal, foul mouthed, lesbian, vampiric nineteen year old girl." She buried her face in her father's robes. Even if they hadn't been washed in weeks, they brought a level of comfort to her. The kind that only comes from memories of childhood innocence, that time when everything is safe and beautiful and no harm is ever waiting around the corner.

"I disagree with half of what you just called yourself, but don't feel like ruining the moment."

She buried her face deeper. "You. Just. Did!"

He put his hand behind her head. "Shh. Ignore your idiot father. Why don't we talk about your girlfriend."

Vincent could feel his daughter smiling against him. "We haven't done it, if that is what you are wondering."

"So I'm not going to get any details?"

"I wish. It's been a long time coming but I think I'm close to getting in Rip's pants."

"So her name is Rip. How exotic." He grinned mischievously.

"It's German. Her name is Rip Van Winkle and she is wonderful." Felicity told him before his imagination got to work. "This is actually one of her suits, just the one she wears is darker."

"I thought you said you two didn't-"

"That's true, but when Alucard ripped off my shirt-"

"What?!" Vincent jumped up, throwing Felicity to the ground. "Did that bastard violate you?"

Felicity dusted her rump off and got back in her original chair. "Yes and no. Yes he forced himself on me after killing my friend, but no, it was not in a sexual manner." She pointed at her teeth.

Vincent got back in his seat, but didn't look to have calmed much. "He told me. He was bragging how he killed you."

"Alucard got me in Brazil. If I just reloaded that damned shotgun I would still have a heartbeat."

Vincent gave his daughter a sheepish smile. "At least you still have your heart."

"No more!" Felicity moaned. "Too much cheese!" The two laughed like old friends reunited for the first time in decades. "Mind if I ask you something?"

"You don't need to ask. I would happily hand you away at the wedding." Vincent leaned back till his chair was standing on its hind legs in order to dodge Felicity's jab at his shoulder.

"Not that. Why are you and Seras…connected." She pointed at the cuffs.

"It's Alucard's plan for Seras." His eyes were cast downward as he looked towards the bed. "He wants her to drink blood so he cuffed me to her. The only way he can break these cuffs is with the strength that comes from drinking. If she wants to escape, she drinks me or some other poor schmuck. And it's obvious-"

"You can't break those cuffs!" Felicity finished for him.

Vincent shook his head. "You kids and your memes."

"At least I don't like little boys."

"Come on! You know I'm not one of those priests."

"Don't worry. It's obvious you like girls."

"Thank you…wait a minute!" Vincent caught on a little too late and Felicity burst out into laughter once again.

"You walked into it."

"Food Girl!" Felicity turned from Vincent and saw Arthur sitting next to her. Without even asking he jumped onto her lap. "You came back."

Felicity was thankful for her vampire strength or else the cat would have hurt her. She happily wrapped her arms around the big cat and started petting him. "It's good to see you too."

Vincent cocked his head to the side. "I see you are already acquainted with the man hating cat."

Arthur's tails began to writhe and snap out towards Vincent but they were nowhere near long enough. "I don't hate you. I just like Food Girls more." He elaborated, but Vincent swore the cat was mouthing death threats to him when Felicity wasn't looking.

"You're a good boy aren't you?" Felicity cooed. Arthur purred in response. "I hope you've been eating your tuna and no people."

"He eats people?" Vincent stammered.

"A tiny incident when he was first made. People were too stupid to try and feed him so he kept trying to eat them. Good thing they taste bad or I might be dead."

"People bad. Tuna good." Arthur nuzzled Felicity before he got off her lap. He flattened himself against the ground and crawled under the bed, blending in with the natural darkness as he tried to sleep.

"How did you get one of those?" Vincent asked.

"Crazy six fingered doctor with an obsession for cats. Need I say more?"

"Nope!" He began to squirm in his chair. "I'm going to sleep while I can. Who knows when Alucard is going to barge in here with some ridiculous mission of his?"

"Um…dad. Can I…" She couldn't look him in the eye.

Vincent grinned. "Come here." Felicity slowly got out her chair and sat on her father's lap. Her father wrapped his free arm around her protectively. "Sleeping in your father's arms. Some kids never grow up."

"Arthur~" Felicity called. The cat stuck its head out from under the bed and bit Vincent's leg.

"I deserved…that…" He trailed off as Arthur's venom took effect.

"He doesn't taste bad. Can I eat priest?"

"No Arthur." Her voice was morose and tinged with sadness. "Let him have this night with the daughter he knew." She closed her eyes and felt a prick on her calf before her lids became too heavy to open, but she didn't want to. For one night she wanted to forget the monster she became. "Just one night."

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Alucard awoke feeling refreshed and excited. The lid of his coffin slid to the side of its own volition. "Tonight's the night! The night Felicity drinks blood!" He jumped out of his coffin and stretched his sore muscles.

Alucard strolled to his chair. Reaching blindly to his right he grabbed a bottle of blood and bit off the neck. "Here's to you, Felicity." He tilted the bottle back until it was turned 180 degrees. The emptied contents went down his throat without a drop spilled. With a satisfied belch he threw the bottle against the ground and left the mess for Walter to clean up.

"Time to wake up the girls." Alucard laughed drunkenly. He pushed himself out of his chair and began to phase through the walls between his room and Police Girl's. He entered the bathroom and was shocked to see the strangest thing he has ever seen in the past five hundred years.

"Can I help you?" Arthur flicked a pair of eyes at Alucard while the lower pair focused on the newspaper held in front of him. He was sitting on the toilet, and from the noises he made in the bowl Alucard assumed he was passing a kidney stone. Never before had a man seen a cat use a human toilet and read. "If you want Food Girls, they awake. Suggest you hurry." Arthur's face wrinkled and Alucard dove for the door, phasing through it and landing in a heap on the ground, but grateful he didn't see any more of that cat.

"Master?" Seras had finished donning her uniform so she wasn't too embarrassed when he dropped in. "What where you doing in there? We all kept hearing sounds…"

"Police Girl, I'm going to have Walter take Arthur to a vet when this is all done. For now though," He got to standing position. Something told the others that he wanted them to act like nothing strange just happened. "We have work to do."

"What are we delivering this time?"

"No, Police Girl. We are doing our actual jobs today. Good old fashioned ghoul extermination." Alucard smirked at his fledgling.

Felicity cleared her throat. "Ahem. Is it safe to bring Father Vincent along? Perhaps we should remove the handcuffs before he becomes a liability."

The older vampire stepped forward and put a hand on the girls shoulders, and a shadow one for Vincent. "If you do your job right, Vincent won't be in any harm that he doesn't bring on himself."

"I resent that!" Vincent cried out. He cried because the shadow hand had slipped to his throat. "Actually I'm okay with that."

"Good! Now make me proud, Felicity, and maybe give some pointers to Seras on how to be a real vampire." Alucard released his hold on the three of them and walked to the front door. "Be at the helicopter in ten minutes." His voice rang out. Then he was gone, leaving them to their thoughts.

"So my first real mission with Hellsing." Felicity brought her hand to her chin. "How exciting." But her voice betrayed her.

"We could leave." Vincent offered. "Just go to America or-"

"Brazil." Felicity said with longing, wanting to get back to Millennium so much. "We could run off to Brazil."

"A place with blazing heat, mosquitos, and a language I don't know." Seras grumbled, snapping Felicity out of her reverie.

"The location doesn't matter. It's getting out of this crazy business before we go insane that does." Vincent amended his previous statement.

Seras shook her head. "And then what? Hellsing hunts down freaks and vampires like me and Felicity, and Iscariot might hunt down a renegade priest like you."

"Seras is right, dad. We might as well stick around till the shit hits the fan." Nodding to Seras "Let's get going before the chopper leaves without us."

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"Seras?"

"Yes Felicity."

"Why are you carrying a cannon?" Felicity pointed at the Harkonnen, which was leaning dangerously close to Vincent despite the steadying hand of Seras. The trio was standing in the middle of a street leading into a small cul de sack. There were three houses, one on the left, another to the right, and final one straight ahead of them. An ice cream truck was parked in the center and a car was parked in the drive way of the left house. All of this was painted with a deep red and speckled with the pink and white of brains and bone. Felicity, however, found the most pressing issue was Seras' choice of armaments.

"Walter made it at Alucard's request. I was against it at first, but it is effective. By the way," She handed Vincent a couple of ear plugs. "Use these if you don't want your ear drums blown."

He gratefully took them and slipped them into a pant pocket neither woman noticed he had. "So what will he do?"

"I'll take left house while Felicity takes the right, and then we both clear the middle house. That sound good?" Seras loaded a round into Harkonnen.

Felicity shook her head while she drew her knives. "That's a horrible plan. One, your weapon is no good in close quarters like houses. Two, you want to be fighting in close quarters with Vincent? He'll drag you down and you both get killed. So you and Vincent stay here and take up over watch on the ice cream truck. I'll go in and clear them out with my knives." Without waiting for a response, Felicity approached the left most house.

"You heard her, Seras." Vincent hiked his thumb up at the truck. "Can you help me up there?"

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"You got me covered?" Felicity yelled back to Seras. Seras gave her a thumbs up and aimed down the sight of her Harkonnen. She was prone on the ice cream trucks roof while Vincent lay beside her and fumbled to put his ear plugs in.

The house she was breaching was the same as the other two. Two stories with a garage on the left side. The garage door had been dented from the inside so she was pretty sure some ghouls had been there. Felicity rapped her knuckles on the door and was rewarded with several moans.

"Blow it!" She stepped aside to let Felicity take the shot. The sonic boom that resounded throughout the air nearly deafened her. A depleted Uranium round tore through the front door of the house and went through two more walls before coming to a rest in a crater in the backyard. Felicity sprang forward and surveyed the damage. The severed legs on the floor told her Seras took out at least one ghoul. The rest of the living room was a dark red, with severed limbs and gore scattered about.

The moaning she heard earlier grew greater as ghouls shambled into the room from the kitchen ahead of her and the stairs on her right. Eight ghouls in total, lifeless eye sockets locked on the fresh meat that entered this hell hole.

"Tick tock~" Felicity barreled forward and thrust her knives through two of the three ghouls coming from the kitchen. "Goes the clock~" Flicking upwards, the knives cut through their rotted chests and out the top of their heads. "Your end is here~" Swinging in a wide arc, Felicity lopped the head off the third. She turned her attention to the five who tumbled down the stairs.

"Tick tock~" Slash. Gut. "Goes the clock~" Hamstring. Garrote. "I've come to claim your lives~" The lone ghoul stood uncaring of its compatriots fates and continued to drag itself towards Felicity. Felicity smiled madly at the creature. She slashed the ghoul across the chest, exposing the now unnecessary organs. Precise as a physician, Felicity darted forward and reached into the gap of the creatures flesh. Her finger's wrapped around the ghoul's small intestine and yanked.

The lumbering undead didn't even flinch as the organ was dangled in front of its face, it just kept trying to grab Felicity, who pushed it back with every swipe. She dropped the end of the intestine to the floor and threw her knife at it, pinning it to the floor. "You don't know how much I needed this." She told the ghoul offhandedly. It gnashed its teeth and tried to bit her, so she cut off its lower jaw and smashed his remaining teeth with her fist. Now that it was incapacitated, she grabbed it by its throat. "Let's see how good this vampire strength really is!"

With a wicked laugh she threw the ghoul through the front wall. It sailed like a ragdoll, intestine acting as a grotesque streamer during its flight. Vincent looked up in horror as the still undead creature went right over his head and landed on the right most house's mailbox. The box tore a rough, rectangular hole through its chest, killing it instantly.

"Bullseye!" He tore his gaze from the massacred ghoul to the bloody girl emerging from the house, wiping the blood off her knives on a dishtowel she found in the kitchen. "I can see why the African gangs love disemboweling. That was as magical as a Disney movie!"

"Felicity…" He was too shocked to say anything more. She didn't hear him, or even notice the two on the truck. She skipped merrily towards the right house without a care in the world, red eyes gleaming as her bangs bounced around.

Seras looked up at him as she turned to cover Felicity. "It's not entirely her fault. It's the blood rage."

"Maybe so, but you couldn't have been like…that." He eyed the intestine by his feet.

"Trust me. When blood starts flowing, vampires lose control. I almost drank ghoul blood if Anderson hadn't of stopped me."

Vincent had heard rumors of Anderson, as he was sure Anderson knew about him. They weren't pleasant stories he heard. "Why would Angel Dust Anderson help you?"

Seras laughed bitterly. "He was actually trying to murder me, but just so happened to stop me from drinking ghoul blood."

"Nothing with Hellsing is every simple, is it?"

"Someone has to deal with the things to go bump in the night."

"But why you two?" He threw his hands up in frustration. "You are such sweet girls and seeing you like this," His hand swept out over the carnage around them "it isn't right."

Seras looked down her sights, eyes cold as she zeroed in on a target on the second floor. "Where do we go? We're the orphans with no one to turn to. All of us, but Felicity." She squeezed the trigger and cringed at the report. "Integra lost her father and her mother was probably a prostitute, Alucard's are long gone if ever knew them, and Walter was found at an orphanage."

Vincent knew he shouldn't ask, but couldn't help himself. "What about yours?"

"They're gone." She left it at that. Vincent sighed and turned back to the house.

"What'cha doing?" He jumped. Felicity was standing a centimeter away from his face, pulling herself up to his height by the trucks roof.

"Please don't do that!" He shouted. His heart almost burst out of his chest with surprise. As he calmed, he looked at his daughter. She seemed so innocent to him, her face unmarred by the tiniest drop of blood. But as his eyes took in more of her, he saw the splotches of red that contrasted the teal of her suit. Anyone else would have thought it looked fitting for a murderer like her, but he could never see her as such.

"Sorry, but you looked distracted and those last ghouls were _so_ boring." She smiled warmly at Vincent, but even that seemed off to him. "Seras, you ready to clear out the last house? Let's take this one together. If I go alone I might fall asleep with boredom."

"Sure thing!" Seras was back to her plucky self and, grabbing Vincent, jumped off the truck. "Ready to face your first vampire?"

"Actually I fought a vampire before I was turned, so this won't be difficult."

"You fought off a vampire by yourself?"

"To be fair, he was Millennium's accountant. He didn't take me seriously so I gave him a twenty one gun salute with his own shotgun."

"Let's not talk about this." Vincent interrupted. "Let's finish this mission and go back to the Hellsing manor. I believe we could all use a shower."

"Agreed!" Seras chirped, but Felicity looked sullen. _I know she doesn't like the manor, but you think the shower would improve her mood_. No moans came from inside the final house, but the windows were splattered with gore from the inside.

"Allons-y!" Felicity roared. She kicked down the door and rushed inside, followed closely by Seras and Vincent. On a couch facing the door was a man, face smeared with blood and teeth razor sharp. Red eyes sized them up from under his hoodie.

"I don't suppose you two lovely ladies brought this priest here for me to eat?" He asked. They all shook their heads. "And you aren't the hookers I ordered?" Again, no. "Darn. Then I guess I'll have to kill you."

"Works for me." Felicity crossed her knives in front of her.

"Same here." Seras leveled the Harkonnen.

"I'll just stay out of your way." Vincent cowered behind Seras, causing the hooded. vampire to chuckle. Seras found his chuckling annoying so she fired. The Hood, as he shall now be known, rolled to side and cleanly dodged the round.

"You've got some fight in ya! I like it." The Hood smirked at Seras. While she was busy being disgusted, Felicity ran, leapt off a coffee table, and slashed downwards at The Hood. He was more perceptive than she thought, however. He threw his legs up and flipped behind the remnants of the couch, laughing all the while Felicity ran through a harmless pillow.

"Stay still!" Felicity growled, her own teeth growing with her anger.

"Keep calm, Felicity. We have him outnumbered three to one." Seras reasoned.

"Why are you counting me?" Vincent asked from his position clutching Seras' leg for protection. He didn't even notice the view it afforded him.

"She's not." Felicity cast him a sideways glance. "She's counting on the vampires own stupidity and inexperience."

"Tsk, tsk. I'm offended." Felicity whirled around and saw The Hood had an arm around Seras' throat. Vincent was on the floor, ever the coward. "I'm actually quite intelligent and likeable if you got to know me." He whispered into her ear. His tongue darted out and ran along the back of her neck. "Which I think we will have plenty of time to do."

"Fuck off!" Seras snapped and bashed her head into his head. He scowled and struck her from behind, knocking her out. The Harkonnen clanged loudly against the floor as The Hood let it and Seras fall to the floor. Cracking his knuckled, he turned his attention to Felicity. "I believe it's one on one now."

Felicity smiled sweetly. "Don't suppose I can just let you go out that door and promise not to follow." He shook his head. This only made her smile ear to ear. "Excellent! I hate leaving survivors."

The two began circle each other, each wary of the others abilities. "Me too. That's why I turned the neighbors into ghouls." The Hood charged towards her, going low and slipping beneath her knives and tackling her to the ground. "You look better like this, with me on top."

Felicity pushed back, but the man was stronger than her and kept her pinned. Reading the surprise on her face, the man leaned down and sniffed her. "I see you haven't been drinking blood, where as I have been drinking gallons. If you're good I might let you have some."

"Hey!" The Hood quirked a brow as he turned to address the voice coming from behind.

"What is-" To his horror, Vincent was on a knee and looking down the sight of the Harkonnen.

"Get the fuck off my daughter."

"Don't do it!" Felicity wailed. She may have never fired Seras' cannon herself, but anyone could tell that it wasn't meant to be fired by a normal human. An unflinching resolve filled Vincent's eyes as locked his with Felicity's. Right before he pulled the trigger.

What small joy he took from his daughter's attacker being obliterated was quickly overshadowed by the pain of his arm being annihilated. He fell onto his good side as the agony wracked his body. The bones in his hand were reduced to dust, his arm a white powder. His ribs ached, and snapped, in places and the air was forced out of his lungs by the concussive force of the gunshot.

"No!" Felicity shoved The Hood's remains off her and scrambled over to her father. "You idiot! You didn't need to do that!"

Vincent tried to crack a smile for her, but found it impossible through all of his pain. "It's a fathers job to keep pushy boys off his daughter" Tears stung the corners of Felicity's eyes. Leaning down, she cradled her crippled father in her arms, careful of his useless arm.

"I didn't want to get you caught up in all this. This is my fight. My war, but not yours!"

"Your battles are my-" He gasped for air as a fresh wave of pain ravaged his body.

"Dad!" She could hear the inner workings of his body and knew something was wrong. His heartbeat was shallow and slowing by the minute. "Please don't go."

"I'm fine. I just need to rest." They both knew that was a lie, and they also knew what would happen if he slept. "Rest my eyes…for a minute."

Felicity shook her father roughly. "Don't you die on me you catholic son of a bitch!"

Vincent reached up and ran his good hand against her cheek, brushing away a stray tear with his thumb. "My little girl…doesn't need me…any…more."

Vincent Ira looked up at his daughter for the last time. He drew a breath for the last time. His hand fell away from her face for the last time. His lips parted to speak, but no words came, for the last time. Vincent Ira, a coward, a priest hated by his own, a loving father of a monster, and in his last minutes a hero in her eyes, died saving a monster and her friend.

His body was limp in Felicity's arms. Felicity's tears dried up as she looked down at his body. "Dad…I don't need you, and I haven't for a long time." Her sobs became clearer and voice harder. "But I want you dad. I want you back!" Felicity's hair whipped around her and her teeth sharpened to that of an animal. The green that she loved in her eyes was drowned in a sea of red. Blood rose off the ground and floated around the vampire girl.

Baring her fangs, she sank them into the neck of Vincent. The blood rushed into her system, much in the same way it did with Anderson, but know she wanted the blood.She drank until there was nothing left and then some. The skin of Vincent's body was pale and lifeless so Felicity lowered him to the floor.

"If my battles are yours, then fight for me you stubborn mule!" Felicity reached down and grabbed the handcuffs connecting Seras to Vincent. With a surge of blood fueled strength she crushed the chain into a mangled piece of metal and ripped the cuff off Seras' wrist. She sat there, on her knees, for what felt like hours, until she knew she had to leave.

"Seras. It's time to go." Felicity told her partner, but she didn't respond. The blow had knocked her unconscious and she wouldn't be awake for some time. Sighing in defeat, Felicity searched through her pockets and found her cell phone. Hitting speed dial she raised the receiver to her ear.

"Speak, Police Girl." The voice on the other end belonged to Sir Integra.

"It's Felicity. The ghouls and vampire have been exterminated."

"I'll send the helicopter to pick you three up. You've done good work."

"Sir, Vincent was the one who killed the vampire. He didn't make it."

Silence came from Integra's end of the line for a long while. "He was a good man."

"Can you or Walter arrange the funeral for him?"

"Of course. Is there anything else?"

"Yes. Tell Alucard I wish to speak with him when I arrive." Felicity pulled the phone away from her ear and hit the END button. Ironic how she was also reaching the end of something long in the making.

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The helicopter landed silently on the roof of Hellsing manor. Integra, Walter, and Alucard were waiting patiently for its occupants to bail out. As the rotors died out, Pip jumped out of the pilot's seat and went into the crew bay. He returned reverently carrying the body of Vincent. Integra and Walter nodded in respect to the deceased man as he passed, but Alucard couldn't tear his eyes off the crew bay. Seras came out next, eyes downcast. She couldn't look back at the remaining girl in the crew bay, her shame too great to bear. Finally, Felicity disembarked from the still helicopter.

"I'm sorry about your lo-" Integra began, but Felicity walked past her and stopped a few feet away from Alucard.

"It's been twenty four hours. Have you done as I instructed?" Alucard kept his face neutral as he spoke. Felicity raised a hand to eye level and opened it to reveal her open palm. "I see." He grinned while Felicity remained stone faced. He reached up to remove the scarf around his neck, but felt it move on its own.

"Come." She commanded coldly. The scarf slithered around Alucard's neck, to his surprise, and flew from him into Felicity's waiting hand. She draped it around her shoulders and it wrapped around on its own, swaying in its own personal breeze.

"I see know." Integra said as she crushed a cigar under her heel. "I assume that is Father Vincent's blood?"

"Correct, master." Alucard managed to look away from his fledgling, now a true vampire. "Vincent's soul has left his body and resides in his daughter."

"I did as I was told." Felicity turned from the trio of Alucard, Integra, and Walter. "I need to rest now."

"Allow me to escort you." Alucard draped an arm around her shoulder. The scarves began to writhe like Arthur's tails, but halted just as fast. Alucard laughed at what he assumed was a demonstration of her control. Pulling her close, he phased down to the basement of the manor, leaving Integra and Walter on the roof.

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"First Lieutenant Rip Van Winkle."

"Yes, Major?"

"It's time."

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**Wolf: Damn this was a long chapter. Almost as long as the Christmas special.**

**Vincent: At last I died a raging badass.**

**Felicity: I've got mixed feelings on this one. One hand, you killed my dad and that's bad. On the other, you killed my dad and he was really annoying.**

**Wolf: Um…Felicity, your dad is inside you, so he will come back.**

**Vincent: How did I die exactly?**

**Wolf: Internal injuries when your ribs snapped and punctured vital organs. Now I've got important news. This story is fast approaching the end.**

**Everyone: Gasp!**

**Wolf: I know, but I do want to say that it won't be for some time now. This does, however, mean there will be more serious chapters as we reach the battle of London. Still, I will give you a romantic chapter with Felicity and Rip and probably one or two outrageous ones to balance out the mood. Still unsure about Lemon, thinking I might just keep it really fluffy as I fear on a daily basis someone I know will read this, but I digress. Hope you enjoy and I'll see you when I write another chapter, which might be delayed seeing as I have midterms. HASTA LUEGO!**


	14. To War!

**Wolf:…Sorry for the wait guys…do the bit…*sits in emo corner***

**Felicity: Ugh, the author is suffering another bout of depression brought on by midterms and stress. You know this is going to make the story moody until you resolve your issues.**

**Wolf: I'll force extra pep, gore, and awesomeness to counteract my mood. Don't worry, this won't affect the story too much. *looks for pen* Now who is going to survive the battle of London and who is having their corpse ripped apart by ghouls and violated by Jan Valentine's ghost.**

**Walter: I'll give you some of Integra's cigars if I live.**

**Pip: I'll buy you a hooker.**

**Major: I'll…share my bratwurst!*throws bratwurst at Wolf and runs off, crying.***

**Schrodinger: I'll get you photos of Rip and Felicity.**

**Wolf: And we have a winner! Congratulations Schrodinger. You know have 8% of living. This is an improvement from your previous 7.9%. *Schrodinger runs off to cry with the Major***

**Felicity: You aren't getting any pictures!*growls protectively while clutching Rip***

**Rip: Yeah!**

**Felicity: Cause we're making it a movie and you get the first copy after me!**

**Rip: And like that you lost me. Forgive the author and my…Felicity. No one is safe until the author writes the final chapter, so for all you know a fat Victorian caricature of a gentleman will glide into London on a talking umbrella and nuke the city, killing everyone, except me because the author knows I'll shoot him faster than he can write my first name. Enjoy~ *Wolf joins the Major and Schrodinger***

**!WARNING! Serious chapter like last time. Anything said about the religions of others is for comedy purposes only and is not meant to be taken as an offensive or derogative statement. DON'T SUE ME!**

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"You should rest, Felicity. I think tomorrow night will be a big night." Alucard smiled warmly at his fledgling- no, his vampire. She was a full-fledged vampire now. _I don't have much experience with fledglings, but I must have set a record with Felicity. Maybe I should try this tough love method with Seras._

Felicity looked up him, expression blank, before turning down the hall towards her room. Alucard choose to let her go and retreated to the confines of his own room. _And Walter better have cleaned up or I'm going to be needing another dozen new guns for Baskerville to snack on._

Felicity stopped in front of Seras' room and put her ear to the door. She could hear heavy sobbing, albeit muffled by what she assumed was a pillow, and didn't have to think long to figure out who it was.

"Seras," Felicity spoke as soft as she could manage. "I'm coming in now." When no response came she opened the door and stepped inside. Curled up on the bed was Seras and what Felicity now knew was Arthur and not a pillow. The cat was wide eyed in terror and gave Felicity the most pleading look.

'Help me! She is touching my belly!' were the words he mouthed to her, but Felicity knew Seras needed this. She sat on the bed next to Seras and let her scarf drift to the girls shoulder.

"I'm so sorry!" She cried between sobs. "It's all my fault!"

"It isn't. Vincent did what he had to do for both of us." Her scarf ran across Seras' back reassuringly. "We all know what would have happened if he didn't act."

Seras looked up from Arthur's tear soaked chest. "If the vampire didn't get the drop on me, then Vincent would still be here, and you would have your father alive by your side."

_He was going to die no matter what happened. This happened to be the best possible outcome._ Felicity thought glumly. "Seras, an old friend of mine once told me no matter how bad things seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things are." Felicity didn't think now was a good time to mention the final 'you better get used to it, Nancy. Quit your bitchin' at this time. "You and I can't do a thing to change the past, and even if we could, Vincent could never hope to go out as a greater hero then he did back there."

"But-"

"No buts." Felicity laid down next to Seras and hugged her. "Know that I hold nothing against you."

Seras looked up at her in awe. "How can you be so forgiving?"

Felicity put a hand behind her head and pulled her close. "Because that's what friends do and what Vincent would want."

"Thank-EEP!" Seras squealed.

"He would also want me to steal a grope." Felicity laughed. _I can't believe they are real._ "Don't you feel better now?"

"Not really- EEP!"

"How about now?"

Seras let out a light chuckle, contrasting the trails of tears staining her face. "Okay, I feel better. You're a good person, Felicity."

_I have my moments._ Felicity rested her head on a throw pillow and nodded towards Arthur. The still traumatized cat nodded exasperatedly. It bit Seras, perhaps harder than usual out of spite, and moved to bite Felicity when she waved him off.

"Your funeral." He leapt off the bed and hit the button at the end of the bed. Felicity saw him run off to the bathroom before the lid closed around her and Seras.

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Felicity opened her eyes. The place she was in seemed familiar until it all clicked into place. It was the weird cream colored world she saw when Alucard turned her. The only difference was that she was already standing on the ground and she wasn't alone.

Felicity let a small smile creep across her face. "Hello dad." Before her, huddled on the ground, was the recently deceased Vincent Ira. He spun around and looked up at his daughter.

"Felicity! Where are we?" His eyes darted from side to side like he expected slender man to jump out and, well anyone whose seen hentai knows what happens when the screen gets fuzzy.

"You want the truth?"

"Will it make me feel better?"

"…no."

"Then lie to me."

"This is heaven."

He gave her an incredulous look. "No offense, but how did you get in?"

"Hell was afraid I would take over."

"That doesn't make sense."

"Then you want the truth?"

Vincent groaned and stood up. "Give it to me straight."

"You're inside me because after you sacrificed yourself to save me and Seras from a fate worse than undeath, I drank your blood and accepted your offer to fight my battles. So know you are a soul living inside his own daughter, fueling my vampiric powers and aiding me in the future battles against my enemies." She said all this in a single breath.

The priest's jaw dropped to the floor, and because of the realms physiques, that statement was literal.

"You…what…when…WHAT THE FUCK?!" Felicity's scarf rose to her ears to shield them from Vincent's high pitched voice.

"Ugh, I'll explain one more time. You're inside me beca-"

"Not that! Why am I inside you?"

She cocked her head to the side as though he asked the dumbest question in the world and she had already answered it. "I need you to be able to use my powers so I can kill Alucard later and do this." The scarf wrapped around her chest and legs. Her small smile developed into her more common, insane one as she levitated into the air.

Vincent shook and pointed at her. "You can fly?! Since when can vampires fly?"

"Not in human form they can't." Felicity ascended higher and started doing donuts around Vincent. "I'm not truly flying of my own ability. It's all in the scarf. You see, I'm actually controlling the drops of blood that have infused themselves with the wool." A piece of paper drifted down from Felicity to Vincent as she flew off.

Vincent snatched the paper out of the air and read it aloud. "Do a barrel role?"

"If you say so." In a flash, Felicity swooped down and grabbed Vincent, whisking him into the air. "Hold on tight Slippy!" She spun in the air, doing the barrel roll not once, not twice, but six times, and finished with twenty seconds of inverted flight and a loop de loop.

"Put me down!" Vincent cried.

"If you insist." His daughter fiendishly replied. Righting herself in the air, Felicity released Vincent and let him plummet about a hundred feet to the ground below.

"That's not what I-" He was about to hit the ground when a massive pile of pillows appeared and cushioned his fall. "Meant…what the heck?"

Felicity lighted down next to him. "This place is a dream, where we can freely connect with each other. I'm sure we could this while I'm conscious, but I'm busy and there are things I don't want you seeing. Since this is a dream, we can make whatever we want. Like…"

Rip materialized in front of Felicity. "Why did I never think to do this before~" She purred, running her hands down Rip's shoulders.

"Who's this?" Vincent asked as he spat out a mouthful of pillow fluff.

"My Rip." Felicity cooed.

He grinned mischievously. "So this is the girl who stole my daughters heart. You have good taste."

Felicity held the Rip clone possessively. "You touch her and I hurt you."

"What if she touches me?" Felicity's scarf, which had returned to its position around her neck, twitched in fury.

"She's my copy and I'm not sharing."

"What about Seras?"

"Why don't you just picture mom?"

Now it was his turn to look at her like she asked the dumbest question in the world. "I'm dead, living inside my daughter, and you think I'm going to spend my time with the woman who divorced me, stole my life savings through alimony, and I've already slept with? I think a martyr such as myself deserves his seventy two virgins."

"Isn't that only a Muslim thing?"

"Not if I can help it. Besides, I don't think I'm going to heaven now so might as well revel in the finer things in life." He replied downcast.

"I'm sure you'll get there…eventually." Felicity didn't even believe in a heaven, even though the mannerisms stuck with here, but respected her father enough to play along.

"Unless you want to cough up my soul, that isn't going to happen."

Felicity thought away the Rip clone and pillows. She strode in front of her father and smiled warmly. "For now, you can make your personal Garden of Eden here." She swept her arms around her and twirled, scarf spinning with her. The cream colored world changed; the ground turning to green and eventually into grass. The sky turned blue and full of puffy clouds. Trees and steak baring bushes rose up from the grass and took root in rich soil. Animals of all sizes were molded from lumps of flesh and went about doing whatever their respective species did.

"Wow."

"Yup, you may have been the worst priest I've ever seen, but your sermons were memorable. Though they were incredibly bor-" She was interrupted by her father hugging her.

"You are the best daughter a father could ask for."

Felicity eased into the hug. "Thanks." The world flashed red and Vincent looked around in concern.

"What was that?"

Felicity groaned. "My alarm. Fun fact, Vampires always know what time it is."

"So you're going to go now?"

"Looks like it."

"Before you go, can you tell Seras I don't blame her?"

"I already did."

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"I already did." Felicity told herself.

"You already did what?" Seras asked as she dressed herself.

"Oh nothing~" Felicity sprang out of bed. She stretched her arms over her head and felt a satisfied pop. "What are we going to do now?"

"Sir Integra has requested your presence, Felicity." Walter told them.

Felicity jumped, not noticing the Butler in the doorway. "Jesus, don't do that!"

Walter grinned coyly. "I didn't intend to frighten you, but Sir Integra has demanded you, along with Alucard, meet her at the motor pool."

"What about me?" Seras asked as she finished buttoning her blouse.

"You as well, Seras." He spoke with a knowing smile. "It's a special day for us. Not every day you can meet the Queen."

The woman's jaws dropped, although not as far as Vincent's. "The bloody Queen!"

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"Behave yourselves, or I'll make you work the dayshifts!" Integra barked.

"Yes, Police Girl. Be on your best behavior." Alucard added.

"I meant you as well, Alucard." Integra smugly told the now sulking vampire.

"So why are we here?" Seras asked the assembled group. They were almost past the threshold of the hall that would lead them to the room where the Queen and others where assembled.

"I'm assuming it has to do with Hellsing's recent interaction with Millennium, Seras." Felicity patted her on the shoulder. "Buck up! We get to be in the same room as the queen of England."

"You know," Alucard moved closer to Felicity. "I'm good friends with her."

As much as Felicity wanted to flip him off and carve him an even wider smile than his normal one, she needed to maintain her submissive act. "How delightful. You must tell me about it when things are less exciting." Alucard beamed with pride and looked like a school girl asked out to the prom.

_He is way too easy. I have a harder time with the Major._ The group of five exited the hall and arrived in the room. Instantly half the room, mainly the Iscariot half, glared daggers at Felicity, ignoring the normal targets of their hatred.

"You!" Yumie pointed with unconcealed hatred. "You're the bitch who beat me in the street!"

Felicity threw her hair back, making sure to reveal her now red eyes and canine like teeth, and laughed in nun's face, like Anderson did to her. "Me and your life partner beat you good, we did, although I think she was the one who really enjoyed it. You were almost as weak as Anderson, who went down like a bitch."

The previously silent Heinkel erupted with rage. "Don't you dare even say his name you protestant-"

"Agnostic. There is a very clear difference between the two."

"-Agnostic, vampiric, British-"

"American. We are the ones with the football, news that centers on crap celebrities, and big cars."

"-American, harlot, Agnostic-"

"You already said that~"

"Enough!" Maxwell shouted. This was when Felicity realized she was squatting on the table, leaning towards the growling Heinkel and Yumie.

_Not infidelity if we aren't official~_ Felicity thought evilly as she 'lost' her balance, only this time it was like Naruto was in his sexy jitsu and was knocked onto Hinata and Tsunade, rather than Sas-Gay back in the Ninja School._ Screw Sakura. Any character that spends most of the 120 something episodes of the original series crying and being useless deserves to be alone or with Sas-Gay. Wait, why am I thinking about Naruto when I should be harassing these two! Sexual harassment, HO!_

"Walter!" Felicity felt wires wrap around her waist and pulled her off the stunned German and emotionally conflicted Yumie. She was tugged through the air and landed next to Walter, grateful she at least landed on her feet.

"I should hate her, but damn, she is my type. Probably even more so than Tsunami." Yumie grumbled as she dusted herself off.

"Please don't mention your Yakuza friend and try to develop some professionalism." Heinkel hissed at her.

"You both should get some professionalism. Now shut up or I'll put you back in Pakistan!" Maxwell let his head fall into his hands.

"What was that?!" Integra furiously whispered at Felicity.

"Psychological warfare. Have to psyche out the enemy using every tool at my disposal." Her reply was so fast Integra knew it had to be rehearsed.

"Well save it for the current enemy. We aren't planning to assault the Vatican for another year!" She turned from Felicity towards the throne at the end of cavernous room, where a poorly lit woman sat, presumably the Queen.

Alucard leaned over Felicity's shoulder. "Nice one, by the way. Did you really get the German to beat the Jap?"

_Offensive much?_ "Yeah. Turns out she has multiple personality disorder so if you knock her out, the personalities switch."

"Too bad I missed it." Alucard sighed until the Queen called him to her throne.

"Too bad indeed." Felicity turned to Walter. "Oi! Can you let me go now?"

"Sorry about that. I sometimes think I'm going senile." He twiddled his fingers and the wires went slack, falling from around Felicity's waist. "Old age is the sport of gentleman, and I am no gentleman."

"I'm sure you…" Then she saw him. Standing in the back of the room, was Schrodinger. The cat boy waved at her and Walter.

"Go." Walter shooed her away. Felicity felt like sprinting for Schrodinger, but fearing she would draw everyone's attention, so she slowly backed up towards the hallway. When she was safely enveloped by the shadows she felt arms wrap around her.

"I've missed you so much Felicity!" Schrodinger cried, forcing Felicity to bury his head in her chest or else he would make too much noise.

"Shh! Not so loud." Nevertheless she began to stroke his ears. "I'm glad to see you too."

His pink eyes shined as he let a low purr. "When are you coming home?"

"Very soon. I've already got my scarf and my powers." The scarf floated a few inches off her shoulders before settling down again. "Now all I need is the right time to betray Alucard."

"Don't get yourself killed. Rip would kill me at a thousand times if that happened."

"Only a thousand? I thought I was worth at least twenty thousand." Schrodinger trembled at the thought.

"She's been getting weird ever since you left, so she might actually do that."

Felicity liked what she was hearing. "How weird are we talking about?"

He gulped. "Most of the base was having trouble getting by without you, so we decided to get hammered to help numb the pain."

"You stayed out my room." It wasn't a question, it was her way of saying I'll tear your ears off, sew them to a headband, and wear them if you guys went in my room.

_Good thing I cleaned up or I might actually __**want**__ to die when she is through with me._ "Of course we didn't. What happened was that Hans knocked me out with a bottle of vodka and then slipped and hit his head. When we woke up, we were naked in Hans' bed. Turns out Rip put us there to make us think we were gay."

"Which you…" _Oh god, she's actually asking me to finish that. Why does everyone think we would do that?!_

Schrodinger pushed away from Felicity. "Aren't. She also gave me HIV-"

Felicity's scarf grabbed him by his throat and yanked him off the ground. "What did you do with Rip to get HIV?!" She grabbed one of her knives and brought it to Schrodinger's throat.

"I'm not even sure she can transfer that way!" Now she had the serrated side of the knife to his neck. "Nothing happened! It was a beer can full of pee from some soldier! I don't even have it now because I through myself into a volcano!"

"A beer can of pee?"

Schrodinger eagerly nodded his head, careful of the knife.

"Okay then~" The knife and scarf disappeared from his neck and she resumed hugging Schrodinger. He stood limply lest he incur her wrath again. "So why are you here now?"

"I've got a message to deliver. Millennium is about to-."

"Felicity." The two of them turned to see Walter motioning for her to get back.

Felicity sighed. "Back to work I suppose." Leaning forward she kissed Schrodinger on the forehead. "Be good, ya hear?

"You're the one who keeps killing her-" Felicity bared her fangs. "intended targets. You go ahead and I'll be in in a minute." Schrodinger waved to her as she snuck back into the room and stood alongside Walter.

"How is our feline cohort?" Walter asked.

"He's fine. Found a cure for HIV."

"Money?"

"Nope, volcanoes."

"Why am I not surprised?"

"In our line of work, surprise is overrated." She shrugged. "Is Alucard still talking with the Queen?"

"Alucard has learned that staying on the good side of someone as influential as her will let him get away with more stuff." The talking stopped as everyone turned to Schrodinger, standing at the end of the table with a smug smirk. Walter and Felicity pretended to be surprised.

"Hello, I've got a message for Hellsing."

"How did he get in here?!" Integra demanded of her butler.

"The security here is perfect, Sir Integra. I have no idea how he could possibly get in."

Schrodinger laughed mockingly at them. "That is because I'm nowhere and everywhere, all at the same time."

Maxwell felt now was a good time to make himself known. "Why are here?"

"To reply to Alucard's declaration of war." Schrodinger pulled out what could only be described as a knock off iPod. A remote was produced from his shirt pocket and he hit the power button for the tablet device.

"Can anyone hear me?" A voice came from the other end, but the picture was drowned out in static. "Schrodinger. Can you hear me?"

"We hear you, Major." The picture began to clear, revealing the pudgy face of the Major. Everyone noticed the background was splattered with blood and bodies. "Have you been having fun without me?"

"We've had to do some cleaning, get rid of the old, stagnant agents in our organization." The feed switched to a petrified man in Nazi attire, who was promptly ripped apart by the other members of Millennium.

"Couldn't you have waited to kill the Opera House till I got back?"

"Alas, the men grew hungry, and I did promise them extra rations on the eve of war." The Major's laugh perturbed most of his assembled audience.

"What possible reason could you have for doing this?" Maxwell asked. The Major was ready to answer when he noticed Felicity.

"Well if it isn't our little traitor. I see you found your to Hellsing."

_Time to be really convincing!_ Felicity thought. She scowled at the monitor and moved closer she was leaning over the table.

"Hello again, Major Porkins. Why is it that you find me in Hellsing strange? We are all killers who need a cause to justify it." Integra wanted to stop her, but part of her saw truth in her words. "Also, I don't believe I can be a traitor to an organization I never believed in and tried to dissect me for an injury received on the job!"

"Porkins? I'm not fat, I'm big boned!"

"Sure." She smirked and motioned for the others to start laughing. To her chagrin, they did not. "Oh screw you guys and screw you Major. Master and I are going to crush your puny Reich and you'll be helpless to stop us!"

"And what will you do, you sad little girl?!" The Major snapped, although his eyes couldn't hide the joy he was having with this.

Felicity sucked in a breath and the emotion slip out of her voice, for added effect rather than a true need to. "I've been thinking of what I would do to you relics. I'd start with Zorin, who takes such joy from screwing with the heads of others, and impale hers on a spike and leave the body for the crows." Alucard gave her a thumbs for the impaling. "Next is Hans, who never spoke a word. He will scream my name to the heavens before I let him die! Kenny will be publically vivisected in front of his comrades, and one by one they will follow suit!"

"And me?" Schrodinger pointed at himself. Alucard pulled out the Casull and shoved it in his mouth. Before he could pull the trigger, Felicity stopped him and waved him off.

"You, Schrodinger, shall never know death by my hands. I've yet to find a way to kill you so I'll keep as my personal meat sack. Since you grow back, I'll eat you for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The rest of the time you will kept asleep and paralyzed until I eat you alive on a daily basis!"

Schrodinger, the members of Iscariot, and even Integra, Seras, and Walter visibly blanched. "We should have a talk with her later." Integra remarked.

"Agreed!" Walter and Seras replied way too fast.

"Ahem! Trying to give out death threats." Felicity glared at them before turning back to the Major "Where was I again?"

"You just finished with Schrodinger."

"Thank you. I believe next up is Doc. I think I'll smash his glasses, gouge out his eyes in case the glasses are for show, and throw him in a room covered in tuna with my cat Arthur."

"So very wicked! Please continue." The Major encouraged.

"Now we come to you Major, you swine who is the very embodiment of the German militaristic spirit the country was founded on. You're fate will be a slow death of starvation, forgotten in some cell deep in the bowels of a country you hate! Those who will remember you will know you as a feeble old man who accomplished nothing after fifty five years!"

The Major did a good job seeming hurt until he regained his classic smile. "What will you do to Rip Van Winkle?"

Felicity faltered, but then something strange something. She laughed, long and hard. She had to hold the table to stay up. "Rip, you say? She will suffer the worst fate of them all." Here voice was sinister when she finished.

"Alucard. Felicity. Please give them our reply to Nazis invading England again." Integra drew in a lungful of smoke from a cigar no one saw her pull out.

"With pleasure." Alucard casually aimed and shot the iPad on the table. Felicity threw a knife into the head of Schrodinger, burying it to the hilt. While he fell back from the blow, Felicity ran forward, jumped, and kicked the hilt with a wicked smile. The blade exploded out the back of Schrodinger's head and clanged off the wall.

Alucard gave Felicity a slow clap. "Don't think I could have done better myself."

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"You don't think she meant what she said back there, do you?" Schrodinger rubbed his forehead like it still had a knife in it. The Major's chair, that he teleported into, finished turning and he looked down at his fellow officers, and Kenny.

"With her track record it wouldn't surprise me." Private Kenny was scratching his unshaven stubble. "First the accountant and then the senior staff."

"And you." Zorin snapped. "Don't count yourself among us important people." And like that they were back to their usual bickering, leaving Hans, Rip, Schrodinger, Doc, and the Major as the calm ones.

"I'm sure it was just to maintain her cover, warrant officer. Why else would she say I was…I was."

_We all know you are just big boned, Major. She is doing her job and will make it all worthwhile when all is said and done._ Hans patted him on the back.

"So do you really think she took the time to plan our deaths and torturous fates?" Rip kept fidgeting from side to side and twirling her musket nervously.

"Absolutely." Everyone stopped what they were doing and told her.

"I wonder what she could possibly do to you that would be worse than eating me for all eternity?" Schrodinger mused.

_Maybe she'll drain you of all but the bare minimum amount of blood needed to survive for the rest of her life._ Hans offered.

"Remove your limbs so you can't stop her advances." Zorin said.

"She could set you on fire, carve you with a knife, and then cut you in half." Kenny grunted as he resumed punching and being punched in the face by Zorin.

"Perform horrible surgeries and experiments on you." Doc quipped with excessive enthusiasm.

"She could take my bratwurst and make you watch as she eats it." The Major's idea only seemed to horrify him.

"Can you please stop hypothesizing how Felicity would kill me?!" Rip groaned. "Never mind. I've got to go."

The Major stepped in front of her and extended a hand. "In case you don't make it back, or none of us do, I would like to say it has been a pleasure serving with you."

Rip met him halfway with grin. "Thank you sir. It's been my honor to fight with you." She broke the contact and made for the hangar. Schrodinger hopped off the chair and followed the rest of the officers, and Kenny, out of the control room, leaving behind the Major and Doc.

"Major."

"Yes doctor?"

"Your words. You told them 'in case you don't make it back', but we've always known this is going to be one way trip, so to speak. Why the sudden change of heart?"

The Major looked down thoughtfully. "If you asked me a few months ago what I would call the officers of Millennium, I would tell I call them soldiers. Now," He looked from the floor to Doc. "I call them Rip. I call them Hans. I call them Schrodinger, Zorin, Kenny, and Doc. I even call them-"

"Felicity."

"Yes, doct- Doc. I've stopped seeing them as soldiers that I'm able to send to their deaths without a moment's hesitation, and see them as…"

"People."

"Correct. Maybe I was wrong to think she was our own Alucard."

"What do you mean?"

"People like Alucard and myself are only capable of destroying, corrupting and twisting those around them to earlier graves. We gun down friends and foe alike until the day we leave our mortal coil. Felicity, however, destroys and creates. She may do it through manipulation and without the best motives, but we can't deny she's made changes for the better. Look at Schrodinger. Born in a test tube, he always looked to you as a father figure, Doc, but he never had a mother. That is the role she has filled and he is happier for it."

"And Hans. He believes he sees innocence in her and has tried to protect her the best he can."

"He has become like a father to her and opened up more to all of us. He hardly ever used his telepathy before she came. Zorin has cut her smoking down in half, you have someone who shares your love of cats, and because of her we noticed the existence of Kenny."

Doc adjusted his multi lens glasses. "I suppose things have changed. Does that mean we will still go through with the plan?"

"My love of war has not been diminished, but I think I've come to like others just as much. For now though, we are going to war."

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After Schrodinger's interruption of the meeting with the Queen, the members of Hellsing where whisked away to meet with a man Felicity vaguely remembers was called Penwood. She had pretty much proceeded on auto pilot till pictures of a ship out at sea came up on the monitors.

"Rip!" She cried out in joy, but realizing her company played it off as joy over killing her.

"You know this woman?" Integra glared at her subordinate.

"She's Millennium top shot, the best marksman you've ever seen with her musket and magic bullets that she can control. One tough customer if you ask me."

Integra grinned, which was almost as menacing as Felicity's. "Then it's a good thing we are sending you and Alucard after her. Your orders are as follows." She removed the lit cigar from her mouth and rose out of her chair. "Search and destroy! Leave no survivors and take no quarter. We will drive the Nazis all the way back to Auschwitz and burn the corpses!" She shouted with the force of a lion right into Felicity's ear.

Vampire hearing instantly felt like a downside to her unlife at the moment. _Think I'm going to let her live through all this; perhaps make her a 'freak' vampire like the rest of Millennium. Rip would probably like having her own toy for when I'm not around, and that would definitely make Alucard roll over in his soon to be dug grave. Maybe we could have a picnic on the gravesite on the anniversary of his death._

She used the happiness this thought brought to hide her resentment of Integra's favorite mantra. "It will be done, but can you please tell me how we are to get there? Rip can shoot down anything we throw at her."

Integra blinked in surprise. _Ha! You don't even know, do you?_ Sadly, after some deliberation, Walter came up with an idea that was so fiscally costly, irresponsible, and downright insane that it was right up Hellsing's alley.

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"I didn't know you could fly an SR71, master. Let alone one as heavily modified as this." Felicity asked Alucard from her spot on his lap, as the craft only had a single seat.

"I'm not, but someone I ate does, so I'm letting my shadows control the craft."

"Pardon me for asking, but if it's someone you ate, doesn't he have reason to be…spiteful?"

"I'm sure he'll be compliant. If I remember correctly he was a very agreeable man. He's going to fly us over the ship, allow us to jump off and safely land, then circle above till we want him to pick us up." He patted the flight stick in front of him. This caused the plane to shake violently in response until he removed his hand from the controls.

"If anyone asks I meant to do that."

Felicity rolled her eyes. "Of course." She looked down at the world below the stratosphere. "I think we're almost there. Any minute now…"

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"First lieutenant!" A man shouted from the bridge.

Rip looked up at him from the deck. "What is it?"

"Up in the sky!" Men began to frantically point. Seeing as no one seemed interested enough to tell her, she looked up as well.

"Oh my…" Like a falling star, a craft in the sky was heading right for the Eagle, or Adler as Millennium had christened the recently captured aircraft carrier. "This is it."

_Yup. The final battle has begun, and we are the first stone thrown._ The Huntress took it all in with sadistic glee, but Rip could feel some fear she was doing an admirable job of suppressing.

"It would have been nice if we got to see Felicity one last time, in person."

_Would you like some wine and music to set the mood before you two screw like rabbits?_

"Is now the time for that talk?"

_Humor is a great way to relieve stress before a fight. Besides…we might not get the chance to later._

"Aye, you ready for this?"

_As ready as anyone can be to fight Alucard. Still would have liked to see you screw Felicity before we go off into the sunset, so to speak._

Rip let out a nervous laugh. "If we live, I'll even let you take control for a bit."

A few moments of silence passed before the Huntress spoke up._ Fuck this, I want to live! I'm not dying now!_ Rip felt herself lose control and the Huntress take over. The Huntress flexed her muscles under her dark blue suit, reveling in her rare moment of control.

"It's good being on top." The manic smile she is known for spread full and proud across her face. She steadied her musket on the falling star that was getting closer by the second.

_Please don't talk like that while you can actually talk. I've served with these people for a long time. _Rip chastised.

"Don't get your knickers in a twist. Stay calm or I start to lose control you scaredy cat!"

_Huntress, I'm glad I could share my head with you._

"And I'm glad Millennium doesn't offer therapy or I would have been kicked to the curb a long time ago." Both of them laughed, even as the sound of the Adler's main batteries drowned out all noise on the deck.

_Tinker tailor soldier sailor._

"My warhead will make no distinction between riffraff!" The Huntress pulled the trigger, dropping the hammer, igniting the powder, and launching the magic bullet with blinding speeds. "Skewer the winged beast!"

_I think I would have said something related to opera…_

The Huntress ignored her, all of her focus on directing the bullet. The diving craft was on a parallel course with the bullet until they were side by side. The bullet turned ninety degrees and ripped through the nose of the craft, then circled back and hit it again. She had never dealt with something this fast before so when it came around to hit the cockpit, she missed whoever was in the seat. She made up for this by gutting the rest of the craft and wrecking the engine. Fire bloomed from the rear of the craft and enveloped it whole, but all over her efforts proved in vain as it was still determined to crash on the Adler.

_He holds the scent of death in his hands and an iron horse trails behind him!_ Rip wailed in fear. Arms of shadow burst out of the craft at the seams, making it an even more terrifying sight.

"Shut up or-" The Huntress was evicted from her short time at the helm and Rip was shoved back into control. _I lose control. You know what happens when you panic!_

"I'm sorry!" Tears began to fall from under her glasses.

_Oh great, you're crying now! This couldn't possibly get any worse than-_ They were thrown back into a bulkhead when the Hellsing aircraft crashed into the deck. The grating of metal on metal, flames crackling, and grown men screaming in pain assaulted her ears. Rip looked up from the deck to survey the carnage.

The modified SR71 had crashed in such a manner that it looked like a deformed cross enveloped in fire and shadowy tendrils. The cockpit hatch fell off; revealing Alucard and someone else who was slumped forward, unconscious. Alucard climbed out and landed with arms reach of Rip.

"It's been a long time, Rip Van Winkle." He began to reach out towards her. "Are you ready to be killed a second time?"

"First lieutenant!" The man who first drew her attention yelled. A hail of gunfire knocked back the Nosferatu and tore him to shreds. "We need to hold out till the Major's orders arrive. Just a few more minutes."

"The guns aren't working!" Another soldier shouted frantically.

"Use the hand grenades!" A cacophony of explosions rang out as half a dozen grenades were thrown and detonated. Debris and smoke was thrown in the air, obscuring the battlefield. Rip was still on the floor, unable to even raise her musket in defense. The air was heavy with unease as the fog parted.

"Those who play with the dead," Alucard raised his hands to the moon, and with them where a multitude of shadowy arms. "are doomed to join them." Grinning, he thrust his arms forward, and with them he unleashed death upon the dead. Men fired blindly into the shadowy appendages as comrades where ripped apart. Every hole that was punched through the shadow was replaced even faster than it was made. Entire bodies disappeared, never to be seen again.

Rip couldn't handle this. She cowered against the metal bulkhead and cried as the men she was supposed to lead were massacred by Alucard like lambs to the slaughter. The screams eventually died down until the only sound heard was the light crackling of fires and booted feet slowly approaching her.

_Stop your sniveling and fight!_

"I can't."

_Do you want us to die?_

"No, but what can I do? He killed everyone!"

_You must really hate Felicity then._

Rip stopped crying. "Why would you say that?"

_Because you are going to die here like a coward rather than fight to see her. You must hate her something fierce._

Rip wiped her tear streaked face and stood. "I don't hate her." She turned and raised her musket to meet the waiting Alucard. "I love her!"

_Tinker Tailor Soldier Sailor._ Rip felt The Huntress guiding her as she pulled the trigger.

"My warhead makes no distinction between the riffraff!"

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"I love her!"

Felicity groggily lifted her head off the dashboard of the crashed craft. "Who is talking about love in this hell hole?" She looked out at the ship below her and was shocked to see Rip fighting Alucard.

_That's my girl._ She smirked when a bullet punched through Alucard and came back for another go. Alucard was being pushed back with every hit and getting closer to the edge of the flight deck. The urge to cheer for Rip was growing, but she restrained herself so Rip's concentration wouldn't be broken.

"You won't kill me!" Rip shouted at Alucard. He was on the precipice now, only one more blow would send him to the bottom of the ocean.

The bullet dove for Alucard's head with the intent of ending it all, but Alucard lashed out and caught the bullet in his teeth.

"Look what I caught." He chomped down on the small round and crushed it to dust. He must have gotten bored with being shot because he strode forward and punched Rip in the face, forcing her back against the bulkhead. The musket was forced out of her hands and pushed against her throat.

Felicity scrambled out of the cockpit as Alucard held Rip up with one hand and positioned her musket against her chest.

_No no no no no!_ Time seemed to slow down while she ran across the deck. It slowed down until it almost stopped. An ear splitting scream shattered the stillness of the night.

"NO!" Felicity fell to her knees not ten feet from the impaled Rip, her own musket running through her chest and out the bulkhead she was now pinned to.

"Oh, Felicity. I didn't know you had awoken." Alucard turned to her with a blood crazed grin. He noticed she seemed close to tears. "I see. You wanted to be the one to drink her blood. I guess I can let you have this one, but I'll take the next."

Felicity weakly nodded her head and got off her knees. _Need to maintain my cover._ Her feet dragged her closer to Rip. _Wait for Alucard to be weak and then kill him, that's the plan. Must kill him at any costs._ Alucard stepped to the side to let her work.

_Why do you want to kill Alucard?_ A voice from deep inside asked her.

_He made me an even greater monster than I already am._

_Yet you continue to let him change you. You've eaten your father and left the ones who accept you solely to be close to Alucard. Now you are about to kill the one you care about the most in order to stay with the creature you hate the most. Is taking his life more important than cherishing another's?_

Felicity knew what she had to do. "I've been waiting a long time for this." She looked hungrily at Rip.

"Make it quick." She struggled to say. Felicity stepped forward until there was nothing between them. She leaned forward until her lips grazed against her neck.

"This will hurt." Rip cringed, readying herself. "Are you ready, Mrs. Rip Van Winkle?"

Her blue eyes flew open as she felt a soft kiss on her neck. "Felic-Agh!" Rip was interrupted when Felicity pulled the musket out her chest.

"What are you doing?!" Alucard asked in his confusion. Rip fell into the waiting arms of Felicity, who turned to face her maker. Shadows surged from under her feet and slithered across her body until all but her head and scarf where covered.

"I'm choosing," The shadow's broke off of her like glass being shattered and in place of the teal suit she had worn when she came went to Hellsing was her 'LIKE A BOSS' t-shirt, deep blue jeans, and beige sandals. "not to become another you!"

"Then die like a dog." Alucard reached into his coat to pull out the Casull and Jackal.

Seeing this, and with Rip and musket in hand, Felicity ran. She ran past Alucard. She ran past the bullets that flew over her head. She looked down at Rip as she ran.

"Do you trust me?"

Rip didn't even hesitate. "Till the end of time."

"Then hold on tight." The older vampires arms wrapped around her neck and Felicity couldn't help but smirk. Felicity ran faster until the deck ended one footfall away.

She jumped, and one word trailed behind her as the twined vampires fell to the ocean below.

Geronimo

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**Wolf: Booyah! Took six days but I wrote this chapter. Feel good about myself right now.**

**Alucard: I'm killing all of you. With my bare hands.**

**Felicity: Shut up. Rip finally admitted her feelings for me and I'm in a good mood as well.**

**Rip: Except we are in the ocean and vampires can't swim.**

**Wolf: Don't worry. Everything will work out in the end. Good news to my readers. I will be doing the long awaited lemon next chapter! I feel the story is drawing to a close so next chapter is the only time they can do it and the relationship has been built up enough that it doesn't seem like I wanted to write a lemon first and then the story, as some authors do.**

**Felicity: Come and see me with Rip!**

**Huntress: Don't forget me!**

**Vincent: And me!**

**Felicity, Huntress, and Rip: NO!**


	15. 1000 and A Half Leagues Under the Sea

**Wolf: What a stupendous day! I feel like frolicking in a field like the days in my youth I wish I had.**

**Major: I feel like having dinner.**

**Schrodinger: I feel like getting high on catnip.**

**Hans: I feel like something awkward is coming.**

**Rip: I feel like going out with Felicity, maybe see a movie or take a moon lit walk.**

**Felicity: Really? I feel like [Censored by Superman, Chuck Norris, Weird Al Yankovic, SMOSH, the Avengers, Doctor Who, Optimus Prime, and the Baltimore Ravens who have untied to once again to save humanity from the perversions of Felicity that threaten to drown the world into madness, chaos, and skyscraper sized cat monsters that shoot lasers out of their eyes!] and then I flip you over on your back and [ After the combined heroes of humanity failed to stop Felicity, this message became censored by the league of doom, Truth, the Seven Seals and Seven Harbingers, California, the Enclave, Deadra, the Covenant, and all major establishments of evil that are bent on the destruction of humanity or Earth who find what Felicity is saying is cruel and no living being deserves to hear. The undead have already climbed back into their coffins and buried themselves 6 * 10 to the 23****rd**** power feet under to avoid this tragedy that is Felicity's words to you the reader, which you should be thankful all the evil in existence has banded together to shield you from.] Once I've thoroughly ravaged all Rip's [Everyone else has been defeated. All we have left is Jamie Oliver and he's busy crying in the corner. If you're reading this, I want you to know I'm sorry for unleashing this horror on the world. Forgive me! –Lonewolf685 shortly before the laser cats captured him at the battle of Comic Con 2018.] Then we can spoon for a few minutes before we try for round thirty nine! Hopefully you'll be more conscious than the previous six.**

**Wolf: I'm off to sear my ears shut in preparation for my execution. Good bye world.**

**Supreme Ruler of All Creation Felicity: Off with his head!**

**Wolf: Good bye. So long and thanks for all the-*head removed from shoulders***

**Supreme Ruler of All Creation Felicity: No hitchhikers guide to the galaxy reference for you. Here, you play with this. *Gives head to Schrodinger, who uses it as a chew toy* Now, my loyal subjects, I am sorry to tell you the author has chickened out on the lemon. He decided to maintain his author's integrity and just make the chapter funny. Good news, it's a longer chapter than intended. Bad News, no futa.**

**Rip: I feel like I'm going to be sick.**

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Geronimo.

Famous last words, and in hindsight, they may actually be the last words for Felicity.

_I didn't think this through!_ She held Rip tight as her toes breached the water's surface. Looking up she saw Alucard glaring at her from the edge of the deck, his weapons still drawn but hanging limply at his side. Her body slipped beneath the surface and rapidly began its descent to the bottom of the ocean.

_At least I hurt him emotionally._

_And you saved Rip. _The voice from before said cheerily.

_I know I'm crazy and all, but I never heard voices in my head before this. Who are you?_

_It's your dad. I've taken a break from eating steak off of bushes and riding winged, fire breathing tigers to talk with my daughter. Good thing too, or you might have lost sight of your goals._

_I told you to only talk when I sleep, but…thanks for keeping me on the crooked and wide road of a vampiric serial killer, rather than a vampiric mass murderer with connections to the Crown. At least we have rules!_

_When you put it that way I feel like I screwed up somehow._

_Did you drop me as a child or kick me in the head by mistake because I couldn't stop sitting on the soccer ball?_

_That was oddly specific._ Vincent had the nagging feeling he should inquire further, but if he was that smart he wouldn't be in this situation. _No, I never dropped or kicked you._

_Then you didn't screw up. _Felicity looked around and smiled at the passing fish. _You got any ideas for us to get out of here. I don't think vampires can swim._

_They could in Twilight._

Felicity would have face palmed if her hands weren't full. _First Sex in the City and then Twilight. I swear you should have hosted Queer Eye for the Straight Guy._

_You obviously didn't see the original TV series of SITC. Twilight…well I was trying to pick up some girls at a bookstore and had to think up reason for being there. The book was on sale and within arm's reach._ A truly horrid picture of her dad eating steak in one hand while reading Twilight in the other, riding a flying tiger that is breathing fire, while giving fashion types to poorly dressed men formed in her head. Felicity began to wretch underwater, eliciting worried looks from Rip.

_Let's get back on track before I swallow a fish. How can we get out here?_

_Could you fly out with your scarf?_

_Alucard will shoot us out of the sky if we surface._

_Then stay underwater while you propel yourself with the scarf._

_Two problems with that. One, that will take too much energy to move all the way to dry land, especially because we are weighed down by all the water. Second, do you know which way is dry land, because I have the sense of direction of a short, cursed albino?_

_You could walk along the ocean floor._

Felicity looked down. _I think we're sinking into a deep sea fissure._ Awkward silence came from Vincent.

_Look at the time. I really must get back to my harem._

_I never gave you a harem!_

_Neither did you give me the playboy mansion and a Russian Olympic swimming team, but god provides in our time of need. Have faith my child and he-_

_Good bye my lecherous father~_

_Good bye my accepting daughter~_

Felicity severed the connection and put up a mental barricade capable of holding off the undead hordes for at least fifty waves Nazi zombies. She turned her attention back to the physical world.

_Best not to see what happens when a vampire hits the bottom of a fissure._ With that in mind she looked around and saw a rocky outcropping jutting from the darkness below her. _That will work._

Her scarf sluggishly slithered around her and Rip. The tails flapped in the water and propelled the duo towards a rocky outcropping where they landed easily. _Now we wait._

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"That bitch!" Alucard slammed his hands into the deck, denting the metal. "She's been toying with us. With me!"

"You've been played like a B list actor."

"Not…" Alucard looked up from hole he was beating into the deck. "…you. What are you doing here, Jackal?" The balding, floating, and certainly annoying figure was just out of arms reach of Alucard, and for good reason.

"Figured you needed someone to talk to. Going to be long cruise back to the land of fish and chips." Jackal put on a beer skin cap. "What shall we do now?"

Alucard considered shoving Casull into the spirit, or delusion as he had yet to discern, and empting a few clips, but decided otherwise. _I'm not going to suffer this boat ride alone._

"Do you know twenty questions?"

"No, man. You don't need twenty questions because the answer is always the same."

"What, pray tell, would that be?"

"The answer to everything…is 42."

"42?"

"42."

"I'm surrounded by idiots. Police Girl, Walter, Captain Bernadotte. Everyone but Fe-" A sudden rage swelled up in him at the mention of her, but a being of his age and experience could suppress these urges fairly well. Fairly.

"But that rotten, manipulative bitch Felicity 'Ocelot' Ira! She was clever alright," Alucard began to frantically pace back and forth. "worming her way into Hellsing just so she could stab us in the back. Integra was so accepting of her because she was blinded by her father daughter sob story."

"And Frenchy spends all his time thinking with the thing between his legs." Jackal was seated in a chair, wearing a sweater vest and writing on a clipboard. At some point Alucard had stopped his pacing and was lying down on a couch.

"Yes! Don't get me started on the Police Girl." His head and voice changed into Seras'. "I just want to have a friend! I don't want to drink blood because I'll stop being human!" He shook his head and it reverted back to normal along with his voice. "First vampire she meets on her down time and suddenly she's happy go lucky in her new bed, with her freak cat and SWEAT PANTS!"

Jackal tapped his lower lip with the end of his pencil. "Do you have a past with sweatpants?"

Alucard crossed his arms and huffed. "Well it all started shortly after Integra released me from my cell. I was looking for a new outfit when I discovered the perfect one. Sadly, Integra disagreed as she was still young and naïve."

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"Sir Integra." Walter addressed the young girl sitting at a desk far too big for her from his spot next to the door. Integra idly twirled one of her father's cigars between her fingers as she lazily looked up at Walter.

"Yes?"

"Alucard is ready to see you. He says he has picked out his favorite choice of attire."

She perked up at the mention of her rescuer. "Send him in!"

With a small smile Walter reached for the door and opened it. "Sir Integra is ready for you now."

Brimming with confidence, Alucard strode into Integra's office through the open doors. "How do I look, master?" Integra leaned forward in her chair, removed her glasses briefly before pushing them back up the bridge of her nose.

"You… look… hilarious!" Integra cracked up laughing at her pet vampire. Over the black straight jacket suit he wore when they first met, he had on a baby blue bathrobe, extra fluffy and a giant gun sticking out of an inner pocket. What was really funny was the gray sweat pants he had pulled up past his waist and had tucked the bathrobe into.

"What's so amusing?" Alucard chuckled anxiously with Integra.

"You dress like such a…such a…"

"Awesome vampire…"Alucard offered hopefully.

"Such a dork!" She threw her hands in the air and laughed even harder. She was moving so much the chair fell backwards.

"Oh my!" Walter frantically ran to her side to ensure she was okay, and judging by her continued laughter, she was.

Alucard despondently turned around and phased through the floor until he reached the bottom floor. He landed in a large, barren room that fit his tastes perfectly. He ripped off his robe and sweat pants, throwing them to the floor in a pile. He walked to the motor pool and syphoned some gas from Integra's favorite car. With jerry can in hand, he returned to the large room he was going to demand would be his after this. After he dumped the gas on the clothes, he retrieved the Casull and shot the soaked clothes.

On that burning pair of pants, Alucard swore to never wear sweat pants again, no matter how comfy they were after five hundreds of stuffy, oppressive clothing.

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"And her father made me dress and look like woman the entire time I was under his service." Alucard sobbed on the couch.

"My man."

"Yeah Jackal?"

"Dork."

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_Man it's boring down here._ Felicity rested her chin on her clasped hands. Her legs hung over the ledge of the tiny cleft she and Rip were stuck on. _Can't even talk to Rip after all this time._ She looked at her elder, who was sitting beside her and dreamily looking at the fish swimming above them. _What should I do to pass the time?_

Shrugging, she fell back until her head bumped against the rock. _Maybe some music would help pass the time. _She focused on creating an iPod out of shadows, which is incredibly difficult and tiring. With a satisfied smirk she grabbed a newly created ear bud and popped it into her ear.

_What was so much of transparency~_

_turned into bright ex-pec-tation~_

_My instinct tells me to keep going together~_

_going together~ _

_It's breath taking, moments in-_ The song cut off as it reached its crescendo. A strong jolt ran through Felicity as the iPod sputtered out and died on her.

"blub blub bl!" which roughly translates to 'That fucking hurt!'

Rip laughed at Felicity's antics. _Still the same ridiculous, team killing, cat obsessed, sociopathic girl that found her way into our base._

_And your heart. _Huntress said pleasantly. _So what are going to do now?_

_I don't think music is an option_. She nodded towards Felicity, who had gotten the ear buds tangled around her throat and was being choked and electrocuted simultaneously.

_And we sink faster than Justin Bieber's career so we can't go for a swim._

Rip crossed her legs and folded her hands. _I know what we need._

_What?_

Rip nodded. _Dues Ex Machina!_

_Deus Ex Machina?_

"Dues Ex Machina indeed." Rip's and Felicity's heads snapped upwards. Descending at a rate slower than their plunge to the bottom of the see was Schrodinger with a fishbowl over his head. "Need a lift?"

The woman wasted no time in leaping from the cleft and clinging to Schrodinger.

"Too much weight! I'm going down!" The combined weight of all three of them dragged them down into the fissure they were trying to avoid. Schrodinger would have teleported had Felicity not snapped his neck for commenting on her weight.

_Curse her anger problems!_ Rip thought, although she will never admit she wanted to snap his neck as well. _Now we get to spend all of eternity alone._

_In a dark chasm were no can see what you do with each other. _

_I guess you'll finally get your wish, although it's going to be strange underwater._

_Wait, you're serious? We can finally have sex with Felicity?!_

_Why not? We're going to spend a lot of time down here so might as well do something to pass the time. Not like we can talk so let's communicate in a nonverbal manner._

_Rip, I'd kiss you if it was possible._

_Would you only kiss?_

_Well I might…do you hear something?_

_Besides you, I don't…actually I do. What is that?_ She pointed at a light coming from the bottom.

_I think it's… Oh my god it's Randy Newman!_

_Damn, you're right Huntress. That's Randy Newman at the bottom of the ocean!_

In a heavy duty diving suit, Randy Newman was attempting to pull a large bar further down the fissure.

"Soon," Randy spoke with an evil British accent. "I will make the worlds standards so low I will be considered a genius!" He laughed manically and pulled the bar down an inch.

_I suddenly feel like watching Honey Boo Boo. _Felicity thought, and then puked in disgust at her own thought. _We need to get out of here!_

"I'm back so please don't snap my neck." Schrodinger popped back into existence between the two woman and grabbed them. "Is that Randy Newman?"

Felicity gave Schrodinger a look that conveyed 'If you don't get us out here right now, I will kill you nonstop for the next seven years.'

"But I really want an autograph and am a big fan of his-" She thrust her knife into Schrodinger thigh. "Okay, but I want a photo!" The knife was sawing its way upwards.

Terrified of where that knife was heading, Schrodinger squeezed Felicity and the somewhat shell shocked Rip before teleporting back to the control room, which was now on the Deus Ex Machina, along with several dozen gallons of sea water. Right above the Major.

"Not my bratwurst!" He threw himself over his plate, shielding his third favorite thing in the world from the water. To his relief when he looked down, the food was safe. "Thank-" The teleporting trio fell from above onto the back of the Major, flattening him against the floor and crushing his meal.

"Air!" Felicity and Rip sat up on the Major, coughing out lungful's of water onto him. "I can't believe we survived."

"I know. You were amazing back there." Rip managed to smile at Felicity before she resumed coughing.

"Can you pull this knife out?" Schrodinger hissed in pain. With a parting twist, Felicity yanked the knife out and whipped the blood off on the Major's white suit. "Thanks. I feel like listening to some Randy Newman now." He teleported away before anyone could stab him.

_Did he say Randy Newman?_ Hans eyes widened even more than when the trio teleported into the room.

"Yup. Don't tell me you're a fan as well."

_I have to go. _Has turned on his heel and ran out of the room. The monitors turned on to a news broadcast when he was out of sight.

"This just in! James Cameron has saved the world by stopping Randy Newman from lowering the bar of human standards. He was found beating Randy Newman on Miami Beach after dragging Newman across the Atlantic one handed and fighting man eating whales with the other. He has stated that he will now be returning to the set of Avatar 2 to continue his humanitarian works."

The monitors turned off as a soaking wet Hans calmly walked back into the room.

_So what did you two do today?_

"We going to ignore the completely obvious connection between James Cameron and Hans?" Felicity asked in disbelief.

Hans slowly waved his hand in front of him. _You will ignore the completely obvious connection._

"We will ignore the completely obvious connection." Everyone replied in a monotone voice.

Hans smirked. _And you will give me two metric tons of steak, delivered to my quarters in the next ten hours._

"We will deliver two metric tons of steak in the next ten hours."

_Felicity will respect Rip's wishes and be more patient._

"Oh hell no!" Felicity's scarf struck out and socked Hans across the jaw

"I'm not waiting any longer!"

"As I much I'm delighted to see you two are safe," The Major's voice was muffled as his face was pushed into the floor. "But can you please get off me!?"

The accused looked down and finally took notice of their chubby couch. "What'cha doing down their?"

"Being crushed by my subordinates."

"That doesn't sound fun."

"It isn't."

"Want us to get off?"

"Yes."

"Like right now?"

"Off! Now!" They were violently thrown off when the Major got a sudden burst of strength. Rip landed on top of Felicity and was caught in the combined vice grip of her arms and scarf. Felicity nuzzled the small of her back and let out a contented purr.

"I missed this."

Rip rolled her eyes. _We never did anything like this before you left._

_While you were conscious._ Felicity and the Huntress thought devilishly.

"We missed you too." She looked up and saw everyone gathered around her and Rip. Hans had dried himself off at some point and his face had lost his smug, force wielding smirk. Doc looked at her with a smile that didn't convey the feeling of 'I want to dissect you' for once in his life. Zorin and Kenny were holding bags of frozen peas to their swollen and bruised faces. The Major was looking at his suit in disdain, not used to seeing this many stains on it that weren't food related.

"While I'm overjoyed you two are safe, would you care to explain the large amount of water you saw fit to bring with you?" The Major licked his thumb and furiously rubbed a stain as he spoke.

Felicity had resumed her nuzzling and purring so Rip spoke. "To briefly surmise what happened, Alucard was about to kill me, Felicity saved me, we jumped into the ocean, Schrodinger finds us, and we end up here."

She could feel Felicity smile against her. "Your forgetting the part where you admitted your love for me~"

"I have no idea-"

"I heard you say it as I woke up. Turns out the admission of true love is just as effective as a kiss."

"Ahem!" The Major found this avenue of conversation was veering off into dangerous territory. "How was your infiltration of Hellsing, my dear?"

Begrudgingly Felicity released Rip and they both got off the floor. "I had Alucard eating out of the palm of my hand the entire time. Integra left me to my own affairs for reasons I don't have any interest to fathom. Never had any time to chat with the living members of Hellsing so I can't report on Captain Pip. My presence their widened the divide between Seras and Alucard, so things should be interesting when we finally have a good fight."

_What about your father?_

She grew somber for a moment. "I think it's best I show you. Step back please."The crowd scattered to the corners of the room, despite it being a circular room. Felicity face palmed.

_I only said to step back. Not dive for cover._

"Time to meet the old man." Shadows swirled up from the ground in a cylinder around Felicity, spinning clockwise as they rose. She thrust her hand into the vortex. For a moment the shadows stopped in place, creating a beautiful patchwork column around Felicity, before condensing into a card on her hand.

"Familiar!" Her hand crushed the card, releasing a cloud of shadows.

As the cloud began to dissipate, the bewildered members of Millennium carefully walked closer.

"I present to you," Felicity's voice rang theatrically throughout the room. "my father, Vincent Ira!"

Standing in front of her was a cowering Vincent, shielding his eyes from the overhead lamps.

"What the…" He noticed the Millennium officers. "Who are you people?"

Being the leader, the Major stepped forward. "I am Major Montana Max of the Lazte Battalion, but everyone addresses me as the Major. It is a pleasure to meet the father of our dear Felicity."

"So you're the Nazis?" His tone was almost bored as he limply shook the Major's hand.

"Yes, dad. These are the Nazis who 'kidnapped' me." The room burst into laughter.

"We kidnapped her?" Zorin scoffed. "I swear it's like she is still holding us hostage."

_I've never had to work this hard until she came here._ Hans let his smirk return. Vincent eyes widened a small degree, but at this point, he had seen too much to be shocked by telepathy.

"She can be a handful." He stifled a yawn.

"You okay dad?"

"I'm not sure. I feel really drained." Despite this, he managed a slight smile. "So is this your new family?"

"Yeah. There…something…special." Her words began to slur together. "I…feel…woozy…"

Rip put a reassuring hand on Felicity. "You okay?"

"I don't…think…" Felicity fell forward, her legs giving way beneath her. Rip grabbed her before she hit the floor.

"Felicity?"

"I think," They turned to Vincent and saw he was breaking apart from the bottom up. "we need to take a nap…" Unlike Felicity, his form dispersed into shadows before he came close to the floor.

Rip looked frantically from her fellow officers to Felicity. "Are they going to be okay?"

Doc adjusted his glasses. "I believe Felicity has overused her powers. With a bit of sleep and some blood when she wakes, she will be in fighting condition soon enough."

_That's a relief._

"I guess I'll take her to her room then." Rip tucked her arms under Felicity and picked her up in a bridal carry.

"Is that a good idea? We don't know if you can restrain yourself from the girl you love." Kenny chuckled.

"Would you like to carry her then?" Rip shot back.

Schrodinger teleported in between the two. "Jesus, I'll do it!" Schrodinger snatched Felicity out of Rip's arms. He teetered as his body adjusted to her weight.

"She looks heavy." Kenny remarked. Before Schrodinger could warn him, Felicity's scarf leapt towards Kenny.

Despite his flailing arms the scarf wrapped around his neck and squeezed with super human strength.

"he…lp!" He pleaded to the others. Hans, Rip, Major, and Doc at least had the decency to look away, but Zorin and Schrodinger had started cheering for the scarf. "F…u..guys." Were Kenny's last words before the scarf popped his head from his neck. Making use of the newly formed hole, it slithered into Kenny and wormed its entire length inside.

"What do we do about this?" Schrodinger asked.

"Give the scarf a medal." Zorin quipped as she rested her boot on Kenny's horror stricken head.

"Maybe we-" Schrodinger was cut short when the scarf burst out Kenny's chest, Alien style. It returned to Felicity's neck, but not before depositing a bleeding heart next to Felicity's head. Even though she was passed out, she managed to lean forward and suck on it like a juice box.

"That's all kinds of nasty." The cat boy's ears flattened against his head.

Doc tsked him. "Now, now. What have I told you about the miracles of undeath? This is her natural reaction to a need for food. Her subconscious made the scarf lash out and kill what she perceived was her prey."

Schrodinger cringed when he thought of what Felicity said about eating him. "I'm putting her to bed before she asks for seconds." Schrodinger poofed out of the room to deposit Felicity in her temporary quarters.

"I think I'm going to take a shower." Rip sniffed herself. "I smell of fish and guts."

The Major began to follow her out. "I as well. Be glad you aren't demoted for that, by the way."

"I'm going to…do something." Zorin scooped up Kenny's head.

"Kill…me…" The head gasped.

Zorin stormed out of the room. "Later."

Hans felt that was directed more to Kenny than himself. He zeroed in on the crushed meal the Major left behind.

_Waste not, want not._ He picked up the plate and sat in the Major's chair. As he munched on the extra salty bratwurst, he couldn't help but smile. His family was whole again.

_The cat and nightingale have returned. _

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**Wolf: Done.**

**Felicity: That's all you have to say? 'Done'?**

**Wolf: Well I also-**

**Felicity: WHERE THE HELL IS MY LEMON YOU DIRTY, ROTTEN SHIZNO!**

**Wolf: I was about to say I'm co-writing at least one with other authors, but know I think you're going to die a virgin. At least you'll have Ben and Jerry's until then.**

**Felicity: Fine, I take back what I said, but you will have to admit the Persona 4 references felt forced.**

**Wolf: Noted, but the anime and game were awesome.**

**Felicity: Noted. Now go back to planning those lemons. Maybe even put some thought into the sequel.**

**Wolf: Nah. I think I figured out what I want to do.**

**Schrodinger: Then clue us in.**

**Wolf: Nope~ Don't forget to read and review people. **


	16. WE HAVE LEMONS!

**Wolf: I'M BACK IN THE BLACK BABY!**

**Felicity: Oh boy, a new chapter!**

**Wolf: Well this isn't a chapter, but something just as good~**

**Rip: Oi vey.**

**Wolf: You may remember I told you I was going to do a lemon in my story.**

**Felicity: And you FAILED YOU SPINELESS COWARD WHO-**

**Wolf: Well I couldn't write it…by myself! So in collaboration with Karly101, we have released our first crossover lemon with her werewolf OC, Karly.**

**Karly: Hi. I'm a crazy Mexican working for Hellsing. My interests include gaming, eating burritos, and snogging Integra. I'm not stereotypical because I was made by a real Mexican. SUCK IT FLAMERS! (Wolf's words, not Karly101's)**

**Integra: *spray bottle at the ready* Bad doggy. Looks like I'm going to have to punish you~**

**Wolf: Save it for your own story. Anyway, my reason for posting is threefold! One, to tell you to go read the lemon. Two, a second lemon, this one actually containing Rip, is being written with pointy22 and will also feature her OC, Krysta.**

**Krysta: Hi! I like-**

**Wolf: Not enough time. The third reason is to apologize for the long wait for another chapter of Millennium's New Cat. I lost my spirit to write after I got a case of writers block. Now, I know what I want to do for our final chapters.**

**Kenny: I'm the hint, by the way.**

**Felicity: I'd kill you if it wasn't getting so BORING!**

**Wolf: Excuse me while I instigate a fight. *walks off***

**Hans: Good luck with that. So to sum things up for the author, please go and read Karly101's new story, which may or may not have a sequel as I have yet to get a reply, called: **

**MISSION: FAILED?-Clash of the Monsters**

**Rip: It's good, and I say that because I'm not getting raped, so go read it. It's Hellsing, rated M.**

**Wolf: And go out into the world knowing I'm back to writing the next chapter of this story. LIVE LONG AND PROSPER!**


	17. It's a chapter yay

**Integra: How did Millennium even organize an attack on London if they spend all their time bickering with an author?**

**Felicity: We usually wait to the last possible minute and then throw everything we have at the problem. **

**Alucard: I feel I've been neglected in these bits, so I'll be giving you the news. Slight chance Lonewolf will write his very own lemon if he ever gets the drive to again, this one using Rip x Felicity rather than other people's OCs As for the lemons in conjunction with other authors, progress has been made and it looks to be going swimmingly for our perverted Felicity. This has been the Crimson Fucker for the news. Let's go over to Seras for the weather.**

**Seras: Cloudy with a chance of Nazi invasion. Can someone just end the bit? Like the Arrow to Knee meme, it got old.**

**Kyubey: Make a contract with me :3**

**Wolf: *grabs Kyubey, snaps neck, and throws body in furnace* Wrong anime, Kyubey! Wrong anime! **

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"Major!" A frantic soldier ran into the control room. The Major was, in a rare moment of restlessness, out of his chair and pacing the room.

The Major stopped his marching and looked up. "What is it, Kowalski?"

"The engines of the Dues Ex Machina have malfunctioned, sir. We are going to have to turn back to Brazil and perform repairs."

"What?!" Kowalski shuddered under the Major's gaze.

"Sir, there appears to have been a large amount sea water that was dumped into the inner workings of the airship."

"Sea water?" The Major adjusted his glasses. "The only sea water I've seen lately is when Schrodinger teleported here with Felicity and Rip."

"Maybe he went back to retrieve something."

"But what would Schrodinger need from the bottom of the ocean?"

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_Must find Master!_ Schrodinger teleported back down to the undersea fissure. He searched frantically until he couldn't hold his breath anymore.

_Need to breathe!_ He teleported back to the engine room of the Dues Ex Machina, the only place he could do this without being found.

"Must keep searching for autograph!" Schrodinger noticed a small clown flopping on the ground. He fell to a crouch to get a closer look.

"Nemo? Have you seen my son? Where is-" Schrodinger's head snapped forward and ate the talkative fish.

"He's in my belly. Why don't you join him?"

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"So you are saying we have no chance of making it to England?" Major asked.

"Not unless you want us to swim there."

The Major pinched the bridge of his nose. "All that effort of drawing Alucard out to sea and stranding him aboard the Adler was for nothing." He turned from Kowalski and climbed back into his chair. "Then take us back to base. I want the Deus Ex Machina ready to fly as soon as possible."

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_Three Days Later_

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DING DONG DONG DING!

Hans blindly reached out to his right hand, smashing the alarm clock under his large palm.

_What did I do last night?_ Hans looked around himself. He had fallen asleep on the floor, his massive pile of steaks had already been demolished and was reduced to a single T-bone in the corner.

_Ah, that was a good meal. I think I'll be full till I get to the cafeteria._ Chuckling, Hans lifted himself off the floor.

He sluggishly retrieved a fresh change of clothes, not even bothering to look for something different then his great coat, pants, and boots. Hans scooped up the stray T-bone and strode out of his room and towards the cafeteria.

_With these long repairs going on, we've got way too much free time._

He briefly stopped at the cell of Schrodinger, who was discovered shortly after repairs began, to be the saboteur of their prized zeppelin. They then had to lure him into the mirror room using catnip, and a lot of it. Hans was going to have to take a day to reeducate him, lest he be controlled by Randy for the rest of his life.

_I will turn him from the dark side!_ Hans' stomach growled. _Right after I get some coffee._

When he arrived at his destination, he quickly retrieved his Top Dog mug, filled it, and sat across from a frustrated Felicity. She held a cell phone to one ear while the other propped her head up.

_What's going on?_

Felicity's eyes flickered up to meet his for a second. "I was trying to call a friend for a little fun with Rip, but she didn't pick up. Now I just want to leave Krysta a message, but…" She put the phone down on the table and hit the speaker button. "You should hear this for yourself."

"If you want to leave a message in Portuguese, press 11." Felicity slammed her hands on the table, and due to her vampiric strength, tore two fist sized holes through it.

"What…there is no 11! I will fucking stab you computer, phone lady!"

"Is she still trying to get me into a three way?" Turning in his seat, Hans saw Rip standing over him with her own lyrical themed coffee mug of blood.

_But you only just admitted your feelings for each other. Shouldn't your first time together be more, I don't know, intimate?_

Rip took the seat next to him. "That's what I tell her, but she says she has a few friends who she really wants to meet me."

"Well Karly just got her own girlfriend. Screwing her own boss, that crazy Mexican. Adam is busy dealing with his family, so he can't come over for some Call of Duty." Felicity pressed the end button on her phone. "And now Krysta is busy, so it's just going to be you and me. Want to do it on the table or my bedroom?"

"Um…buy a woman dinner first."

"You can eat all you want," Felicity replied in a sultry tone, leaning over the table. Her hand grazed Rip's cheekbone and slowly trailed downward until…

"Oh, I'm so hungry!" The Major rubbed his stomach hungrily as he entered the room. It growled in response and led him towards the open buffet. Rip used this distraction to make her escape, pulling back from Felicity's prying fingers and running out the door.

"You'll never get away, my pretty~" Felicity cooed after the fleeing Rip. The Major sat next to Hans and began to munch on his mountain of food.

"So how have you been handling this down time?"

"Fairly well, Major, although things are starting to get boring."

_I've already finished all those steaks so I'm running out of things to do as well._

"Then we are all in agreement." He put his fork down. "We need something exciting to tide us over till repairs are finished!"

"I concur, and already have begun to fix that problem." Felicity rose from her seat and made for the exit.

"Harassing Ms. Winkle doesn't fix the problem, it's just going to make me make you take sensitivity classes."

Felicity shoulders slumped. She turned to seated men. "Then what do you think we should do?"

"This is just an idea that has been brought to my attention frequently over the years. " The Major seemed uncomfortable, which only served to convince Felicity this would solve her boredom problem. "I've been thinking, and this is just an idea that you can feel free to say no to, but the soldiers might need a vacation."

"And by soldiers, you mean the ranked officers we all know?"

"Yes."

"Then you are going to be stuck here." Felicity and Co. turned to see Kenny standing in the doorway. Felicity shot him a death glare, which was soon followed by a knife. To her disdain he sidestepped the glare and ducked under the knife.

Felicity growled but ceased her assault. "What are you talking about?"

Kenny smirked. "You aren't an officer, let alone a member of Waffen SS. If ranked officers are going, then you are just going to have to hold down the fort."

_Why are you being such an ass, Kenny?_

"Me? I'm simply informing the civilian contractor of her position."

She felt like throttling Kenny, but Felicity got a better idea. "Major, he's right."

"Yes, I'm…wait, I'm right?" Kenny said, abashed.

"Absolutely. I'm not a proper soldier." She looked the Major with her mad smile. "So enlist me."

The Major seemed surprised by her request, but soon met her smile with his own. "Are you sure? Once you're a soldier you might be sent to your death on a superior's mere whim. You'll have to deal with regulations and rules-"

"I'm sure we can work that out, but I have one request."

"What would that be?"

Felicity points to Kenny. "I want to be of superior rank to him."

"You can't pick your rank!" Kenny exclaimed.

"I don't need anything high, like four star general or Jesus. All I want is something higher than private, preferably something that lets me order around Rip."

_That would mean you would be a Captain, Major or higher._

"Major Felicity. I like the ring of it." She leaned back in her chair, images of her bossing around the rest of Millennium playing out in her head.

"You don't think she really wants our jobs?" The Major whispered to Hans.

_I fear for our lives, as well as the Lazte Battalions._

The Major sighed. "I can't give a rank above noncommissioned officer."

"Then I'll be Master Chief Felicity."

_That's not a rank in the army. Master Chief is a navy thing._

"Then I'll take the closest thing you have."

And from that day forward, Kenny became the bitch of Master Sergeant Felicity Ira. May whatever god you believe in have mercy on our souls.

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_Two Days Later_

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"Walter, can you fetch some tea?" Integra asked Walter pleasantly, a smile gracing her features. For once, she wasn't smoking a cigar, nor was she at her desk. She had been spending the past four days in her father study, relaxing in a recliner next to a crackling fire.

"Of course, Sir Integra." Walter creakily rose out his matching recliner across from her. "Would you like to me to try and find where Alucard went?"

The two stared at each other before bursting out laughing. Walter had to put a hand on the arm rest to remain standing.

"No, Walter. Just the tea." Integra said to the departing butler.

You'd imagine Integra would be more concerned about her missing staff, and while she was initially, she learned after the first day when no reported vampire attacks came in and Alucard wasn't taking his enthusiastic walks that she could finally enjoy herself. She didn't need to smoke to handle the stress of her job and had actual free time to whatever the hell she wanted.

Seras, on the other hand, had been devastated by the absence of her best friend and maker, especially after the loss of Vincent. Luckily for her, Pip is as good at comforting woman as he is at harassing them, so Arthur and him have come together to comfort her, albeit her cat only wanted her for her tuna and Pip to get at her cat.

That being said, he didn't always spend his time with Seras.

"Do you mind if I help myself to another cigar." Pip asked from an old rocking chair.

"Go right ahead. I've got enough cigars to last to the next millennia."

"I've been meaning to ask," Pip lit up the cigar Integra tossed him. "but where do you get all of these?"

"You don't want to know." The glare she shot Pip actually extinguished the cigar, which then threw itself into the fireplace and imploded.

"Yes Mam!

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"Felicity, don't you dare fire!" Kenny shouted. He was currently strapped to a table in the storage area of the base, staring down the massive barrel of an 80mm cannon.

You can imagine who put him there.

"Bitches love cannons." Felicity said with a toothy grin before firing the cannon. A gigantic round tore through Kenny, the table, and the earth underneath.

She looked down at the carnage she just wrought and sighed.

"Why does that feel so boring?" Felicity sat on the end of the cannon barrel with her head in her hands. "It's like I've done that before…"

Her thoughts were interrupted by the cocking of a hammer and long barrel being pushed against the back of her head.

_Felicity! You killed Kenny in cold blood!_ Hans telepathically roared.

Felicity turned to face Hans, who stuck the barrel against his temple.

"And the problem is…"

_You can't kill your subordinates!_

"What about the Accountant?"

Hans threw his hands in the air in frustration. _He was with the Opera House, and you weren't a soldier then._

"He's right." The two looked to the ground below to see Rip. Rip met Felicity's gaze and tried to look as disapproving as possible. "You can't team kill in real life. IT. IS. BAD."

"You make it seem like I do this all the time."

"You do!" Rip pointed accusingly. "First the accountant, and then…and then…" She faltered and let her arms hang limp. "I feel like you've done this before, but just can't-"

_Remember?_ Hans finished. _Same here._

"Ditto." Felicity let herself slide off the cannon. She tucked into a roll, hit the ground, and sprung up next to Rip with a bored look. "That was the least satisfying killing of my life."

Hans jumped down after her, not bothering to roll.

_I smell a plot._

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Walter was humming happily as he went about making afternoon tea for Integra and Pip. Like Integra, he enjoyed this lull in the action. The Major had informed him via phone that the attack was being postponed due to cat related engine problems.

Sure, he wanted to have his climactic battle with Alucard, but after spending his entire adult life working nonstop as the Hellsing organization's butler, who is forced to meet the unreasonable and downright ludicrous requests of the infamous Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing, Walter has learned to appreciate his rare downtime.

"Although what they mean by cat related is a mystery." Walter poured the contents of the boiling kettle into three cups.

"Cat related you say?"

The hairs on Walter neck froze. He didn't need to turn around to know that Alucard was the one whispering into his ear. He tried to relax as he went back to his work, but couldn't feel his normal level of ease in his presence.

"Welcome back Alucard. How was your mission?" Walter said with his back to Alucard.

"Terrific. Slaughtered a boat full of Nazis, almost killed the lead officer, but it turns out she was gay lover of Felicity, who then betrayed me and jumped into the ocean with her girlfriend. On the plus side, I got some free therapy by a floating bald man claiming to be the spirit of one of my guns."

"That's-" Walter dropped the kettle.

"Felicity was a traitor…" He turned to face Alucard.

"Yes. My one good fledgling and she turns out to be playing for the other team the entire time." Neither of them where hip enough to get that. Alucard's shoulders slumped. "So I suppose I'll have to reinvest myself with Seras. At least I know what to do know."

"Shall I inform Sir Integra of your arrival, or would you like to do it yourself?" Walter moved to go around Alucard.

Alucard grabbed Walter by his hands, which rendered him unable to use his wires.

"I'll do it later, but first, I need your assistance with the Police Girl." Alucard's eyes flashed deep red as he looked deep into Walter's eyes. "I need you to make a…donation."

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"So what do we tell the Major?" Rip said as the trio approached the control room.

Felicity rolled her eyes. "What, you don't like telling him we all have a vague feeling I killed Kenny before?"

_There is no easy way to go about this, but we have to tell someone._

"Since Hans and I aren't the actual killers, I vote you tell him." Hans nodded his agreement with Rip

"You know, I better get some big reward for this." Felicity complained.

They entered the control room, Rip and Hans lagging behind Felicity by a good five feet. The Major smiled warmly and motioned them over from atop his lofty chair.

"And what will you be getting a reward for, my dear?"

"I killed Kenny." Felicity deadpanned.

The Major's reaction was unexpected, in that a normal officer wouldn't begin to laugh when informed of the murder of his subordinate. In his defense, it is Kenny they're talking about.

"Private Kenny isn't dead, Felicity."

_Major, I saw the crater myself. There isn't a snowball's chance in hell that Kenny survived._ Hans told him.

The Major's smile faltered. "Then how do you explain him?" He pointed to his left.

The others followed his finger until there gazes fell upon a particularly unremarkable head of blonde hair, which was attached to a torso which wore a Star Trek red shirt. Kenny was seated and appeared to be surfing the web on one of the wall terminals.

Felicity had him out of the chair and held off the ground by his throat with her scarf in seconds.

"How da Hell are you alive?" Felicity reached for her knives, but Rip stopped her and bopped her on the head.

"Don't kill him again after we just found him!"

"What do you mean you killed me?" Kenny asked, hands keeping the scarf from crushing his windpipe, but he was losing ground.

Felicity rolled her eyes. "I killed you not twenty minutes ago, and somehow you are sitting here looking at," Felicity glances at the computer. "Nineteen minutes of Nyan Cat? Are any of the men here straight?"

Hans and Schrodinger let out simultaneous shouts of "WE AREN'T GAY!"

"Oh really?" Rip strode to the computer. A few strokes of the keyboard and clicking of links led her to a YouTube video, which was then projected onto all the monitors. It was Felicity's room, and showed Hans and Schrodinger staring at each other passionately.

"_Hans, I think we have to accept we have feelings for each other." Schrodinger conceded. _

"_I think we might." Said Hans. He stared soulfully at Schrodinger's eyes and Schrodinger felt a deep blush spread across his face._

_Schrodinger was slowly approaching the bed, eyes never leaving Hans._

"_Be gentle." The cat boy whimpered._

"_I'll try." _

_Hans reached out and pulled Schrodinger onto his lap. Their lips were so close one only had to stick out his tongue to make contact._

"TURN THAT OFF!" Schrodinger screamed, leaping for the terminal and closing the window. "WHEN DID YOU VIDEO TAPE THAT?"

"I didn't." Rip shrugged. "But I found that video a week ago on the net and have been itching to show it."

_But if Rip didn't tape it, who did?_ Hans raised his collar even higher than normal to hide his blush.

Felicity let out a nervous chuckle. "Well it is your fault for doing it in my room…"

"How could you record them if you were with Hellsing at the time?" Rip asked.

"Originally, I installed it just before I left so I could get a recording of Rip going into my room, you know, to catch her expressing how much she misses me by sniffing my stuff or sleeping in my bed."

"By the way, "Felicity threw an arm around Rip's waist and pulled her close. Her lips nibbled on Rip's earlobe for a second before whispering "I saw what you did with the Felicity doll I gave you. More importantly, I saw where you put it~"

With that, she broke apart and resumed glaring at Kenny like nothing happened.

"Should be I disturbed by that or touched?" Rip looked around at her blushing cohorts.

"Both, Ms. Van Winkle, both." Major appeared at her side. "Now I believe we had an issue with Kenny."

"A little…help!" Said private struggled to say.

"Fine ya Nancy boy." Felicity begrudgingly released Kenny, dropping him on his ass. "Now explain yourself!"

Kenny dusted his pants off and glared at Felicity. "Explain what?"

"HOW YOU'RE ALIVE!" All except the Major yelled. Schrodinger did it because he found it fun to yell at people.

"Oh that." Kenny nodded his head. "It's simple. Zorin has her illusions, Rip has the magic bullets, Hans has telepathy, Schrodinger is near immortal, and Felicity inherited Alucard's shadow manipulation."

"Are you saying…"

Kenny matched Felicity's grin, right down to the gleaming canine. "I can–"

"You can what?"

But Kenny didn't respond. His eyes rolled into the back of his head, legs shaking and buckling under him. He fell facedown onto the floor and moved no more.

"What the fuck!?"

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"Police Girl."

A knock was heard upon Seras' chamber door. A quiet tapping, gently rapping upon her chamber door.

"Who is it?" Her melancholy voice responded.

"Police Girl."

The vampire rose out of bed with a groan. "Who is it?" Her voice edgier.

"Police Girl."

"If that's you Pip, I swear I'm breaking more than your nose." She fumed whilst ripping the door open, metaphorically.

"Oh, it's you Walter." Seras tried to straighten herself out in front of the Hellsing family's butler. "Thought you were someone else for a minute there. Is there something I can do for you?"

Walter eyes lazily swung around the room, Seras noted, as he stepped inside. Following her lead, they sat on the edge of the bed. She also found it odd that his normally purple eyes had turned a dull red, but thought it was from lack of sleep or exhaustion.

"Police Girl, I need to ask a favor."

"What is it?" Seras was growing concerned. _Where is Arthur when I need him?_

Walter clasped her hands in his. "I'm an old man, sad and tired. I've fought the good fight, done my duty, and given everything I had."

Seras gave her best comforting smile. "Don't say things like that, Walter. You're an amazing butler, and even greater fighter. You still have many more years yet."

"How long do you think I can serve Sir Integra? How long can I be of service to the Hellsing family? You, Seras, can continue the fight till the end of time if you saw fit, but I will wither away."

Walter offered her a small smile, but it held no warmth. "I don't want to be rendered useless, feeble and decrepit."

"Walter, what are you asking me?"

"Please, I don't want to be forgotten." Walter released Seras' hands and undid the buttons of his vest and shirt, pulling down on his collar to reveal his pale neck.

"I can't turn you into a vampire, Walter, it's not-"

"I'm not a virgin, so I know I can't become one of your kind. All I'm asking is that you give me the chance to keep fighting with you."

Seras could feel the blood flowing through his veins calling out to her, but she resisted and scooted herself away from Walter.

"I can't do that, Walter. I don't want to lose myself, and I certainly can't kill you in the process." She couldn't make eye contact with the man.

"Police Girl, you must do this, or else…" He raised a finger to his neck and drew a line along the side of his neck and over an artery. Slowly at first, blood began to trickle down his neck from the line he drew.

Seras let out a gasp of surprise and moved to staunch the flow, but Walter held her hands firmly in his own.

"Stop this Walter!"

"Only you can stop it Police Girl." Walter gurgled. He leaned closer to her, exposing his neck further. The slow trickle had only quickened and the entire left side of his body was drenched in his own blood. Now that he was closer some of it spilled out onto Seras.

Seras stared at Walter, struggling to look at the man and not the blood, but her hunger was growing and like the caged beast, demanded to be released. She was losing control, no longer moving away from Walter. Her head craned down to meet his neck.

Through her tears, she looked up and met Walter's dull, red eyes.

"I'm sorry."

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"And there he goes dying again!" Felicity threw her hands up in frustration.

"My god." The Major spoke, surprised. "You really did kill Kenny."

"No! For once it wasn't me. I'm an astounding killer, but I have yet to kill someone with a glare."

"Then how did he die?" Rip asked.

_Maybe it has something to do with a power of his. We should go find Doc and see if he knows anything._

"And what do you think I know?" Doc asked, startling everyone.

"Where did you come from?!" Everyone said.

Doc gave them an out of character grin. "Uh uh uh. Spoilers."

Sitting atop the corpse of Kenny, Felicity rolled her eyes. "Well can you at least explain the stiff here?"

"No."

"No?"

"No, I can not explain Kenny."

"But Doc," Schrodinger appeared beside his maker "you created all of us. He may be forgettable, but you must remember something."

"I never said I made Kenny a vampire. I've been assuming…actually, I haven't even thought were Kenny came from." Doc bit down on his index finger, more out of habit than frustration. "Curious…"

"But if you didn't make him…" Schrodinger turned back to Kenny and Felicity.

"Who did?"

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"Thank you, Zero, for everything!" Kallen waved to her savior as he departed, leaving the Black Knights in their submersible base. Zero silently flew his stolen Knightmare frame away from Japan towards the distant nation of England. When he landed near the White Cliffs of Dover, he silently disembarked and reached up to his helmet.

It came off with a low hiss. A gloved paw rose up and ran through the black hair in between the pointed ears of the unmasked one.

"Time for tuna."

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The members of Millennium blanched, for reasons they themselves didn't understand. All of them were thinking the same thing.

"On second thought, maybe I don't want to know."

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**Wolf: Sorry for the wait. I've lost the will to write and it shows in my work. I wanted this to be the final funny chapter with them pondering Kenny and other stuff, but ended up using this to set up the finale, which may or may not be delayed as long as, if not longer, than this chapter.**

**Arthur: If it wasn't clear, I'm Zero, and that is a Code Geass reference.**

**Wolf: Why did I feel like explaining? I don't know. I've got ideas for a Yumie and Heinkel short story or chapter based on a previous joke of mine.**

**Felicity: I just want my story back! *cries***

**Wolf: When I feel like it. Honestly, I just want to write a new story, yet don't have the energy to write. I'll try and finish this story and then take a vacation or something. Please read and review. Thank you for your patience and sorry if this isn't a great chapter. Also, sorry about Walter, but it was either him or Pip, and at least now Walter died a good guy. **

62.05 minutes of Nyan


	18. What We've Been Waiting For!

**I never expected this to happen, but someone went so far as to actually write the lemon between Felicity and Rip. I wouldn't have posted this if I wasn't extremely touched, and disturbed, by his love of my story.**

**Thanks you, xX69ingChipmunksXx, for writing this.**

**WARNING! THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS GRAPHIC SEXUAL CONTENT OF THE LESBIAN VARIETY! READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. THIS CHAPTER DOES NOT AFFECT THE ACTUAL PLOT SO FEEL FREE TO SKIP IT RATHER THAN COMPLAIN ACOUT ITS EXISTANCE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!**

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"So tomorrow the repairs will be done, and we go off to war?" Felicity asked Hans. The two were in Hans' room for once, mostly because the cafeteria was full of soldiers getting drunk.

_Yeah. You ready?_

"I've been ready since I became a vampire."

_You know, you can still back out of all this. Try and live a normal life._

Felicity punched Hans lightheartedly on the arm.

"Like I could leave you guys."

_Just making sure you don't have any regrets in case things don't turn out in our favor._

"No regrets, eh?" Felicity got off Hans bed and made for the door with a parting wave. _Do I have any regrets?_ Felicity thought. _Sure, I've killed dozens of people, but I don't regret that._

_You should on some level. _Vincent's voice nagged her.

_Well I don't._

_What about the loss of your humanity at the hands of Alucard?_

_Eh, I've gotten used to this life. Only thing I regret is that I haven't killed Alucard yet._

_You sure you don't regret anything else? _

_None at…_

"All…" A melodic sound reached her ears, echoing through the halls. Lured by this sirens call, Felicity was drawn farther down the halls until she came to Rip's room.

Felicity pressed her ear to the bulk head leading into her room, melting against the docile tones. It wasn't the words which moved her, they were all in German and she didn't even attempt to decipher them. If she had to describe it, it was the noise Rip created that drowned out all else and filled her with a sense of peace.

Her bloodlust seemed to settle, all scheming and plotting moving to the back of her mind and drowned in the voice of Rip Van Winkle. Warmth washed over her, unfamiliar but comforting.

Felicity was so enraptured by Rip's singing, so enraptured she didn't notice the door she was leaning on was creaking open against her weight. (She's heavy -_Chipmunks_)(No I'm not! -_Felicity_)

"Gyah!" She cried, tumbling to the floor. Rip jumped in surprise with a cry of her own.

"What are you doing? Were you…spying…on me?" Rip asked after calming down.

"No! I was walking by and heard…the most beautiful music." She picked herself up off the floor. "I can't believe I've yet to truly listen to your singing."

Rip let out a small laugh as her cheeks turned a rosy red. "I guess you've been too busy thinking of ways to cause havoc around here."

"I take offence to that!" Felicity pouted. "I think of ways to cause havoc for Hellsing as well."

"You're an equal opportunity miscreant, aren't you?"

"I suppose." Felicity chuckled before developing a thoughtful expression "Umm, Rip. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," She gestured to her bed and they both sat. Felicity briefly wondered why no one but the Major owns a chair. "what is it?"

_No regrets._ Felicity thought.

"Rip Van Winkle."

"Yes?"

"Do you love me?"

Stunned silence filled the room. Felicity face was now the color of her hair, while Rip was a few shades darker.

"I'm sorry." Felicity stammered, hurriedly getting off the bed and shimmying to the door. "I shouldn't have asked and-"

"I do." Rip strode across the room and grabbed the fleeing red head. "Felicity Ira, I love you."

Without a second's hesitation, Rip brought her lips to Felicity's. Her mind was muddled with random nonsense, such as rotten walking tomatoes, hip hop kittens, pink elephants, rainbow-puking leprechauns, and the Crimson Fucker in all of his Fucking Glory, well maybe not that last one.

Recovering from her initial surprise, Felicity kissed back with renewed vigor. She ran her tongue along the Rip's bottom lip, seeking admittance, but Rip seemed content to kiss for now.

With a devilish glint in her eye, Felicity trailed her hands down Rip's shapely body till she came to her waist, slipping a hand in her pants. She broke the kiss with the marksman, who let out a small whimper of disappointment.

"What are you- Oh god!" The cat lover's hand brushed against Rip's dripping wet panties with no small amount of force. She let out a heated moan, lowering her guard long enough for Felicity to lunge forward and thrust her tongue into her lovers waiting mouth. Felicity herself began to moan as she dominated Rip, savoring her taste and attending to every inch of her.

Whilst Felicity was busy with the kiss, Rip's deft hands began to caress Felicity's breasts, her fingers running over the stiff nipples that craved her attention from just beneath her shirt.

The two separated, a strand of drool connecting them. Felicity took the lead and laid Rip down on the bed.

"May I?" The red head indicated Rip's clothing, hand already on her coat's top button.

"…yes." She panted. To further her surprise, Felicity didn't bother to unbutton her clothes, but ripped them off with her vampiric strength. Rip gave a huff of annoyance at her ruined suit and reached for Felicity's shirt.

"No need." With a snap of her fingers, Felicity's clothes dispersed into the shadows of the room, save for the scarf which slithered into a corner.

"So you ruin my suit and I get nothing?" Rip pouted. "That doesn't seem fair…"

"You get me," She pulled down Rip's pants, but her eyes never left her lovers. "or is that not good enough?"

Responding without words, Rip flipped Felicity onto her back and assaulted her neck. Her sucking elicited moans from the younger one, whose hands wrapped Rip and held her close. Rip traveled downwards from her neck, leaving a trail of kisses and love bites until she reached Felicity's wet snatch.

"P-Please…" Felicity whimpered, to the raven haired one's surprise. Felicity rested her hands behind Rip's head, urging her on. Her tongue gave Felicity's folds a tentative lick, felling the girl quiver beneath her, before diving in.

"Oh…OH KAMI!" Her screams only urged Rip on to eat out her lover, tongue moving faster and faster. She brought a hand up to her stiff clit and pinched. Felicity's back arched, further burying Rip in her, as she came.

"That was a little fast." Licking her lips of Felicity's cum, Rip rose and kissed her lover before resting her head on Felicity's chest.

"…first…time…" She panted.

"Oh really? Then maybe I should give you the whole nine yards." Rip moved to go back to Felicity's still dripping vagina, but Felicity stopped her.

She flipped Rip over and straddled her hips. "No. It's your turn."

Felicity lifted Rip's leg over her shoulder and began to grind her snatch against hers. As they both moaned in pleasure, the cat's hand drifted to Rip's breast and squeezed.

"Ke-Keep going!" Rip urged her on, hips bucking in rhythm with Felicity. Felicity took pleasure in Rip's look of sheer ecstasy, tongue lolling out as she was being scissored. They grinded against each other for some time, heat building up as both drew close to their climax.

"I-I'm going to…" Both screamed as they hit their peaks, their bodies were wracked with untold pleasure. Rip crawled atop her exhausted lover and kissed her on the lips.

"I think you came a little early." Felicity told Rip

"Bite…me." Felicity gave Rip a cheeky grin.

"I think we have time for some biting. Now let's try to for at least round 39."

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**Good job, xX69ingChipmunksXx, for writing this. Leave a message for "Chip", or Kyle as his friends call him, to express your displeasure or "pleasure" on his lemon. **

**Thanks for reading and see you at the finale! **


	19. So Long and Thanks for All the Fish!

**Sorry this is late, but…**

**It is time.**

**The end approaches.**

**The end of everything we have come to love and know.**

**But maybe, the end can signal the beginning of something new…**

**However, before we can let this story reach its conclusion, there is something that must be said.**

**Felicity: THANK YOU FOR BEING THE BEST READERS, REVIEWERS, FOLLOWERS (worship me), AND REVIEWERS WE'VE HAD THE PLEASURE OF WRITING FOR!**

**Wolf: There are too many people to name them all, but once again I have to thank FollieOfMadness, Karly101, pointy22, and CaptianvKickass for your continued support with constant reviews. Good luck in all of your stories and hope you saw you my little shoutouts working into this and the last chapter.**

**Felicity: Don't forget me! If anyone needs an ass kicking vampire, give me a PM.**

**Rip: She's my woman so don't get any ideas of pairing her with other characters!**

**Felicity: Get ideas. Get very bad ideas.**

**Wolf: Settle down ladies. Now let's give this our best.**

**Felicity: Hell yeah!**

**Alucard: Yes, I want to get Felicity's murder over with.**

**Seras: Shut up Alucard. Let's do this!**

**Pip: Allons-y!**

**Arthur: Tuna!**

**Anderson: Just start this you protestant f*ck buckets!**

**Wolf: Time to dance the dance of war. Once I start, I won't stop till the story is done. THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC and I can feel war's melody flowing through me. Are you ready?**

**Hellsing: Ready! **

**Millennium: Ready!**

**Wolf:** **This hand of mine glows with an awesome power. Its burning grip tells me to defeat you(The chapter, not the audience). Take this! My love, my anger, and all my sorrow!**

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"Major, the repairs are over."

"Excellent job, Kowalski." The Major turned from the engineer to his fellow officers.

Zorin was sharpening her scythe from atop Kenny's corpse. She had converted it into an end table and stuck a lamp on his rump.

Hans munched absentmindedly on a dog biscuit he retrieved from his coat, occasionally glancing at his mausers to see if they were in top condition. The Major saw his gaze would travel across all of his collected comrades, but would spend the longest time on Schrodinger.

The neko boy had reattached the tail he was given on Christmas and was monkeying about with a Cheshire grin.

Rip had her musket resting on her shoulder while Felicity leaned against the other, their hands intertwined and knowing smiles playing across their faces.

Kowalski coughed to get back the Major's attention.

"Sir, they are over because we can't do anything more to the engine. They are beyond repair."

And with that all eyes fell upon Kowalski like a pack of rabid moms at their children's soccer game.

"You're saying we can't use the Dues ex Machina to deploy our forces to England?" The Major asked.

"Actually, I've checked our other zeppelins and discovered the engines of the entire fleet are out of order. In all honesty it's a miracle the Machina lasted this long". He tapped his cheek thoughtfully. "Maybe it was a bad idea to leave the Opera House in charge of our aircraft."

"You think?" Schrodinger chastised, glad to no longer be at fault for delaying the battle. "So how are going to get our troops to England now?"

"Could we go by boat?" Rip offered.

"Sadly, we don't have any enough sea craft to get the entire battalion across the ocean at one time."

Felicity grinned evilly. "Then we don't send the entire battalion."

"Explain."

"Look, I know you all want a war, but as of now, we aren't capable of launching a full scale invasion." The others nodded their understanding. "But maybe we don't need to. If you think about, England's only defense is Hellsing, which only has two vampires capable of fighting us and a few humans. Since we are incapable of launching an assault on the country, let's send our best to take out their defenses. Without Hellsing and their specialized knowledge of the paranormal, normal military efforts will be useless."

_You think we can take all of England by simply defeating Hellsing, which isn't simple in the slightest? _ Hans said skeptically

"My god," The Major shouted in realization. He leapt out his chair and stood among his troops. "It's brilliant! The majesty of war wrapped up into one, decisive battle that will determine the fates of countless lives. The importance of it all will weigh upon our souls, and heavier upon the blows we deliver to our foes!"

"But how do we get there?" Zorin finished sharpening her scythe before asking. Felicity raised her hand to answer.

"You may not like it, but I have an idea."

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"Maybe you should calm down, Sir Integra," Pip tried to console his raging boss "I'm sure Walter will turn up soon enough-" He dodged a flung cigar that buried itself into the wall of the dank, dungeon tunnel.

"Not once in my life has Walter been late with tea!" Integra roared, pulling out another throwing-cigar and lighting it. "Something is up."

Or down, as they were searching the basement while the Wild Geese searched the upper floors. They had brought motion trackers, but they only seemed to pick up Arthur, creating an elaborate reenactment of the movie Alien, minus the pulse rifles, androids, and spin offs without Arnold.

"He could have run out of tea bags and went out to get more."

"Must I beat you with a…did you hear that?" Integra's rage shifted to curiosity as a whimpering noise drew her attention. "It's coming from the Police Girl's room."

The two approached, light streaming in through the ajar door. Not being the type to skulk about like a common burglar, Integra pushed the door open and strode inside.

"We need your help to find-" The words died in her throat at the scene before her.

Soaked in blood was Seras, clutching the limp corpse of Walter to her chest. There was so much, in fact, that her uniform was stained red. Her eyes were dyed an almost pleading red. She looked up from the corpse to find a gun being pressed against her temple.

"Tell me why before I kill you." Integra's commanded coldly.

"Don't do anything rash-" Pip tried to disarm the situation, but Integra pulled out another gun and pointed it a Pip.

"Tell me," She pressed her gun harder against Seras. "why you killed Walter!"

"I…didn't want to…"

"You didn't want to?!"

"He begged me to do it. Begged me." Seras sobbed, red tears trailing down her face. "He came to me, asking me to…to…eat him!"

"Liar!" Integra lashed out and back handed Seras. "He would never do that."

"But he did. He said he wanted to keep fighting, to be of service to the Hellsing family, but he was too old. I pleaded with him to stop, but he slit his own throat and-"

"From there, she was unable to control herself." A velvet smooth voice finished for her. A hand was placed upon her head and softly ruffled her hair.

Integra lowered her weapons as her gaze rested upon Alucard.

"You're…back."

"I'm home, countess. Forgive my delay, but I was preoccupied when I came across Seras and Walter." Alucard cupped Integra's face with his free hand in a rare moment of compassion. "It was Walter's decision, to give himself to Seras. You can't blame her for giving Walter what he wanted."

"Damn it Walter…why did you have to-" Alucard wrapped an arm around Integra and pulled her close.

"Hush now. It will be alright."

Pip backed away from scene unfolding before him. Alucard was comforting the normally stoic Integra and blood soaked Seras, but only the Frenchman could see the evil grin spreading across Alucard face.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::_Flashback mother f*cker!_

"Walter," Alucard spoke to the hypnotized Walter. "You will go to down to the Police Girl room's and offer yourself to her."

"I will offer myself to Seras."

"Police Girl. She is the Police Girl."

"I will offer myself to the Police Girl. Do you have a preferred position, like missionary or doggy?"

"What?! No, I mean offer up your blood and soul. No sex, Walter. She's my Police Girl."

"Okay."

"And I want you to know that once you've been consumed by Police Girl and are free of my control, I will kill her without a moment's hesitation if you inform her of my manipulation. Am I understood?"

There was a slight hesitation before Walter responded, his eyes regaining a swirl of purple before being drowned in red.

"You are understood."

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_Russia…with love_

"Can someone explain why we came to a Russian airport when we should be in England?" Schrodinger asked as he shifted his M240 in his arms. Oddly enough, all seven of Millennium's officers had an LMG in hand, even Doc and the Major.

"I told you," Felicity gave them a toothy grin. "no Russian."

"But that makes no sense!"

The elevator came to a stop with a ding. The doors slid open and Schrodinger boldly stepped out.

Right into the crowd of Nazi zombies.

"Oops, wrong floor." Felicity closed the door before Schrodinger could even turn back around.

"So that's what happened to the third-to-last battalion." The Major said.

"What happened to the second-to-last battalion?" Rip asked.

"Sent to the north pole. Think the Russians got them in the end."

"You assholes just left me to get eaten by zombies!" Schrodinger yelled as he teleported back inside. Doc bopped him on the back of his head.

"Think of it as a learning experience about the undead digestive system and shut it." He spoke curtly and returned to stroking his gun. His large gun. Schrodinger's eyes traveled down the length of his gun, admiring its size and girth. He stared intently at Hans', the smell of oil coming off in waves from his hard, black gun.

Phallic symbolism. What phallic symbolism?

"Guys," Felicity drew their attention back to the elevator door. "This is our floor. We'll have ourselves a little fun here, steal a plane, fly to England, and then confront Hellsing."

The door opened with a ding, followed by the clicks of weapons being readied.

"Remember, no Russian."

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

_One blood soaked montage/reference later_

"He said he could fly this thing!" Zorin screamed over the sound of the plane decompressing. The flight was going just fine until they past the English Channel.

Fine, until Hans saw a squirrel.

"Everyone grab a parachute, except Schrodinger, and jump!" The Major said, pack already affixed to his back and helping Rip into hers.

"What about the passengers?" She asked.

"Shanna, they bought their tickets, they knew what they were getting into. I say, let 'em crash." A random man by the name of Jack Kirkpatrick told them before running off towards the cockpit.

"Why don't I get a parachute?" Schrodinger asked.

"Because I want something soft to land on!" Schrodinger was tackled from behind and out the open door by Felicity. Looking down, Schrodinger saw Hans, still diving towards a tree he swore he saw a squirrel in.

The squirrel, that he jumped through the cockpit window of the plan to chase.

The plane, whose autopilot was too busy making out with the auto stewardess to fly the plane.

The plane, whose other passengers were all passed out from eating the fish, which was poisonous.

The plane, where we found a man with piloting experience who could have flown it, but he sweated so much Felicity killed him out of sheer annoyance. Rip helped with his girlfriend.

The plane, whose air control tower operator was realizing now was a bad time to quit drinking, smoking, sniffing glue, and amphetamines and started drinking, smoking, sniffing glue, and doing amphetamines.

THE PLANE!

AIRPLANE!

"Worst. Trip. Ever-" Splat.

**A/N: Go watch **_**Airplane**_** and the **_**Naked Gun**_** movies**_**(Not a porno) for old spoofs done right! 1980s FTW**_

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KNONK KNOCK

"Mr. Bernadotte, get the door." Integra told Pip, who was now performing some of Walter's old tasks, like lighting Integra's cigars and being her bitch. His ass hadn't stopped hurting. The other tasks where delegated to Arthur, who can make a mean tuna fish sandwich, but he loathes sharing them. Being a cat, though, he delegated every task that didn't involve tuna to the Wild Geese. The men would have laughed at the cat, but they feared he was reincarnation of Alien after their previous debacle.

Arthur isn't reincarnation. He's evolution!

"Sure thing, boss." Pip nearly ran out of the office. He stopped at the front door of the manor and removed his gas mask, for protection from Integra's smoking, before opening the door.

"What can I do for you…" He trailed off upon noticing Schrodinger was at the door.

"Take me to your leader." The neko dead panned, showing himself in. Pip led him to Integra's office, donning his mask. He would have offered Schrodinger one, but the kid seemed ready to snap at the next person to so much as look at him funny.

_Who put a stick up his ass?_ Pip thought.

"Two dozen Nazi zombies, gravity, and the top secret child molester's convention hosted by a somehow still alive Michael Jackson I landed on. Can you guess which one 'put a stick up his ass' metaphorically and which two were literal?" Schrodinger hissed. "And before you ask how I know what you were thinking, I'm everywhere and nowhere, including your perverted mind, so shut it!"

Pip opened the door and pushed Schrodinger inside Integra's office without a word, or thought.

"Who was it Pip?" Integra asked through the haze of smoke. Schrodinger had trouble seeing through all the smoke, but noticed the rough outline of Integra deeper in the cloud.

"My name is Schrodinger. I've been sent as an envoy of Millennium."

"Come closerrrrr." Her words were slurred. Anyone else would not do what the creepy lady said, but Schrodinger's near immortality made him fearless, or an idiot. He fought his way through the smoke, legs brushing against various odds and ends. He stopped when he bumped into an old wooden desk and could make out Integra in more detail.

She looked the same as the last time he saw her in person, back at the war meeting with the queen. The only difference is that her clothes were a mess, and that wasn't a normal cigar she was smoking.

"Hey mon. Want some of this ganja?" Integra said in a horrible Jamaican accent. "Or are you on that Refrain stuff?"

"Hell no, I'm a real man. PCP all the way." Schrodinger relaxed a little and sat on her desk, glad he could finally have a meeting with the enemy and not get shot.

"So…what'cha doing here?"

"I already told you. I'm an envoy from Millennium with a message from the Major." Like flipping a switch, the smoke disappeared and Integra adopted a more Iron Lady like demeanor.

"Speak."

_I'm going to get my head blown off the second I'm done._ Schrodinger lamented.

"Alright. Millennium was planning to invade you today, but we suffered technical difficulties, so the invasion is off indefinitely."

"If you aren't invading, then why are you here? Surrender?"

_You'd like that, wouldn't you? _

"No, we've come here for a good old fashioned rumble against Hellsing. Mono a mono. Red vs. Blue. North on South. Scott Pilgrim against the world. You know, an orderly fight, where the winner gets England."

"You're kidding, right?"

"No."

"Why on Earth would I not call the entire British military over here and crush you're undead bums under our heels?" Schrodinger leaned close and gave her the greatest Excalibur face of all time.

He should know, since he met the sword. (_Who do you think put it in the rock? - Schrodinger)_

"If you don't bring the best HELLSING, and only Hellsing has to offer, to fight the best Millennium has, I will personally teleport out of here, find a British nuke, and teleport it back here up your ass and detonate the warhead!"

Integra raised a gloved hand and wiped the spittle off her face. With a casual grace Integra reached under her desk and retrieved a pump action shotgun, which she promptly shoved against Schrodinger balls.

"Thank you for delivering the message. Now get off my DESK!"

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"PAIN!" The officers turned to see Schrodinger teleport into their midst, hands cupping his crotch and face contorted in, well, pain.

_You okay?_ Hans placed a reassuring hand on the neko's back.

"I had my balls blown off, so what do you think?!" Woman one, men zero.

"Man, Schrodinger," Felicity drawled. "you've been had on every front, haven't ya?" Rip elbowed her in the side.

"Don't tease him. You did good Schrodinger."

"Thanks."

"Ahem!" The Major drew all their attention to him. Standing upon their chosen battlefield, he seemed almost two feet taller. He exuded power and confidence, dominating the rolling hills around them and instilling a sense of awe in his subordinates. Felicity understood his smile now. He's been seeing this day since the fall of Third Reich, no, even before then. Since his very conception, Montana Max has been living in this day, and now that he is here he couldn't be happier. No, happiness isn't the right word to describe how he feels. If Felicity had to guess, it was similar to how she felt when she joined Millennium.

It was like feeling for the first time in your life, you were where you truly belonged, and nothing could ever surpass that.

"The time has come to pull back the curtain. Our grand reveal has been made, and we have stepped onto the stage to fight our magnificent battle against a worthy foe! Are you ready?"

"Ja!" Resounded from all of them, using the one word of German Felicity actually knows.

"Then let us wage-" A shoe hit the Major in the back of the head.

"What the bloody f*ck is all that racket?!" The stunned soldiers looked behind him at the large mansion, specifically the open window where Integra was leaning out, Pip's other shoe in hand and ready to be flung, until she saw Millennium. "You choose my backyard for the battle?"

"Yes," The Major rubbed his sore head, but his smile never faltered. "Unless you want a battle in a more populated area, say London perhaps, you would be wise to muster your forces and meet us here before we come in."

Integra sent him the coldest glare she could manage before throwing the shoe and retreating into her manor. (_I'm not retreating. I'm advancing in a different direction! - Integra_) (_Sure - Alucard_) (_Get out of my diary- I mean journal. F*CK! - Integra_)

Major ducked under the thrown projectile before turning back to his men.

"Battle speech is over. Good luck with the battle!"

"I call the Copper chick!" Zorin yelled. Felicity shot her a cold look.

"No, Hans and I will handle this."

"What? Do you think we are going to let the past fifty something years go to waste so only you and Hans can enjoy he battle?!" Zorin raged.

"Look, I understand your frustration, but think of this based on your strength and ability. Zorin, you rely on your illusions to ensnare your enemy, but that won't work on other vampires. Schrodinger hasn't killed anyone except Kenny, and that doesn't count." Schrodinger and Zorin huffed in annoyance, but acknowledged her logic. "And Rip, you've already lost to Alucard before. Sending you out now would be sending you to an early grave."

"What makes you any different?!" Rip shouted back at her, eyes welling up. "I can understand Hans, but why do you have to fight them?"

Felicity closed the distance between them and cupped Rip's face in her hands.

"Because he made me. His power is mine, and I think it's the only thing that can fight him head on. So please," She kissed Rip briefly before pulling away. ", stay safe so I have someone to come back to when all is said and done."

"…okay." Rip begrudgingly turned from Felicity to Hans. "Don't let her act reckless or do her normal shtick."

_I'll keep her safe._ Hans drew his pistols and turned back to the manor. _Let's go._

"Right!" The cat lover bounded off after Hans with a parting glance to Rip and the others.

"Well now what do we do?" Zorin huffed. "Sit on the lawn and watch the battle?"

"Would you like some chairs?" A shiver went down her spine as she turned to find Pip standing behind her, somehow in the middle of the group but unseen before then.

"How the hell did you get there?"

"I've learned some of Walter's old tricks, which is about the only good thing I've gotten as of late." Now that she wasn't startled, she saw Pip was different than the last time she him, albeit she spent more time strangling him than looking. He was wearing Walter's clothes, monocle and all. His hair had been redone and looked like an enlarged versions of Walter's ponytail. For all intents and purposes, he was like a young Walter, but with brown hair and French accent. "So do you want those lawn chairs?"

Since Zorin was having trouble contemplating this, the Major answered.

"That would be lovely, Mr. Bernadotte. Tell me, are you enjoying your current employment?"

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With seating arrangements settled, the non-combatants, meaning the rest of Millennium, Integra, and the Wild Geese, gave the four supernatural beings their space.

"So this is it?" Seras said, fiddling with her Harkonnen. They had found the Harkonnen Mark II among Walter's things, along with Pip's current attire, but he didn't have the time to finish it before his death.

"Yes it has Seras. It's not too late for you back out. None of us want to kill you." Felicity told her, but kept her eyes on Alucard. Seras' lips pulled curled into a snarl, to everyone's surprise.

"You think… I would just run away, leave everyone to be slaughtered by the f*cking Nazis because I don't want to deal with it? Of all people…I expected more from you!"

"Seras…" Felicity was hurt. Sure, she spent most of her time with Seras manipulating and worming out information, but she didn't feel any malice towards her. After Christmas, most of the officers took a liking to her, or at least found her amusing.

_Seras Victoria._ Hans moved in front of his comrade. _If you want to fight, you'll fight-_

Seras, Alucard, and Felicity cocked their heads to the side.

"Is he paralyzed in fear of my fledgling?" Alucard asked.

"I'm unsure…you okay Hans?" Felicity poked him, but Hans' eyes remained firmly locked on a point ahead of him. The combatants followed his gaze to Seras, and then to the black cat behind her.

"What?" Arthur lifted his head from his paws and looked back at them. "I put the seat down if that's the problem." Alucard trembled for a second in recollection.

_You're that thing from Doc's lab!_ Hans growled, dropping to all fours and patches of white fur sprouting from his pores. _The cat!_

"Oh, the dumb dog man." Arthur bore his teeth. "I've been wondering how good you would taste."

"Arthur!" Felicity gasped. "I told you to only eat tuna."

"About that…" Seras let out a nervous laugh. "We ran out so he may have gotten to some of my blood bags."

"And my hat." Alucard pointed at the bite in his wide brim hat, which he quickly fixed.

"And my cigars." Integra said through a megaphone. Pip took it next.

"Half my scarf." The megaphone was passed off to another mercenary.

"My boots!"

"My sidearm!"

"My love life!"

"I told you not to mention us in public!" Two men quarreled, ending in one running away crying and the other soon following. One awkward moment later, another merc picked up the megaphone.

"My breakfast!"

"My bed!"

"My teddy bear!"

"My grandma!" The megaphone was then picked up by someone unfamiliar and dressed differently than the other Geese.

"My Kunai! Believe it!"

"My Zanpakto!"

"My free loading, big breasted cat lady who is better than my flat chested partner!" That was followed by a girl with pig tails hitting the silver haired boy with a dictionary.

"My arm, leg, and little brother's body!"

"He turned my soul into a stone and made me a witch!"

"My notebook of death!"

"My Millennium Puzzle!"

"My innocence!" Startled gasps followed. "The material in my arm, not the virginity thing. A superhuman Lolita took that ages ago in Germany."

"My Shikon Jewel!"

"My Nerve Gear and online wife!"

"The feathers that make up my beloved princesses soul!"

"My sonic screwdriver!"

_ENOUGH!_ Hans roared, now completely wolf, and lunged for Arthur. Arthur turned tail and ran back to the manor, with a salivating Hans behind him. The cat leapt through the nearest window and disappeared into the darkness of the manor.

_Here's doggy!_ Hans yelled in a very Shining-esq way before following.

"Well…that was awkward." Felicity dead panned.

"So where were we?" Seras asked.

"It appeared you were going to fight the werewolf, but he's busy with your pet so I guess you'll sit this one out while I fight the burning bush." Alucard said offhandedly.

"Are you sure, master?"

Alucard chuckled and ruffled her hair. "She may be a vampire of mine, but she's hardly worth either of our time. I'll have this done in time for our midnight snack."

"Oh no you won't!" Felicity snapped, pointing a knife at Alucard and another at Seras. "I'll take you both on and win."

Seras and Alucard cocked matching brows before adopting matching animalistic grins. Alucard raised his hand cannons while Seras her cannon. (_because bitches love cannons – Alucard_). Felicity spun her knives in the palms of her hands until she held them backhanded.

"Today's a good day for you to die." Alucard said cockily.

"For our ancestor's ancestors, attack!" Seras took the initiative, firing a depleted uranium round towards Felicity's chest. She didn't budge an inch as the round approached, until it was less than a foot away. Her knives came together, pinching the round and stopping its deadly trajectory from continuing.

"Is that all you've got?" The red head taunted, letting the round fall to the ground. "You aren't cut out for this life, Seras. Maybe you should retire while you're behind."

"Grrr…" Seras growled, throwing her cannon to the side, and charged Felicity. "Don't patronize us!"

With a cocky grin she sheathed her knives in time to duck the first punch, but the follow up cross that would have hit her chest caught her in the jaw. Grin now shattered, Felicity returned fire with an uppercut.

To her surprise, Seras dodged the blow with practiced ease and lashed out with a kick to her gut as she intended earlier. Felicity lurched forward in pain, giving Seras the opportunity to grab her by her hair and smash her head into the ground.

Spitting out a clump of dirt, Felicity said "Where did you learn those moves?"

"Oh my," Seras stepped onto her back and pulled back on her arms until they threatened to pop out of their sockets "it's almost like I was a police girl!"

"Sarcasm is unbecoming- JESUS CHRIST ON A PIKESTAFF!" Felicity screamed as an arm was violently dislocated. "Can you not take a joke?"

"Shut up!" The remaining arm followed the first. "Do you think this is funny?"

"A…no, it isn't funny, humorous, or even mildly entertaining. If this was a book, I'd have stopped reading at the prologue."

"Maybe you should have, but it's too late now." Seras raised a foot over her head "It's time for you to-"

"Take this seriously? Yes, it is." A woolen serpent wrapped around Seras' neck and threw her off its owner. Satisfied the attacker was incapacitated for the moment, it returned to its master's shoulders.

"Alright, know I want you to gently pop my arms back into- OH COME ON!" She screamed once again as the scarf not-so-gently forced her arms back into their sockets. "I control you through shear mental will, and you still disobey me!" Felicity spat.

"Well that was somewhat enjoyable, but I'm growing bored." If it was possible, her expression soured even more at Alucard's voice. Knives were out in a flash and begging for blood.

"Let's end this, once and for all, Count Chocula!" Crouching as low as she could, she leapt into the air with high caliber bullets trailing millimeters below her. She rose higher and higher, far exceeding what she had achieved in her fight with Anderson.

Her body curled into a ball, becoming more aerodynamic and improving speed. When she neared the apex of her jump, she released both knives into free fall and descended with them.

"Tiro Finale!" Her leg struck out and hit the first knife by the butt of the handle. "Burn in hell you assho-" The words died, and so did her descent. Her scarf tightened around her neck, holding her in place hundreds of feet above the ground below.

As she struggled to pry the scarf from her neck, she peered down to see if her attack had hit its mark. When she peered down, she was surprised to find Alucard was nowhere to be seen, and her knives lay in bullet ridden pieces where he once was. What was stranger was Seras Victoria, who wasn't looking at her, but _behind_ her.

_No._ Felicity thought. As if on command, the scarf turned her around until her nose brushed against a red, wide brim hat.

"Poor show, traitor, I expected more." He laughed heartily in her face before turning to her petrified comrades below.

"You put all your faith in one girl, one thing not worthy of being a monster or a man. Your trump was this turncoat. After fifty five years, this is the best you can do?" He shook his head and laughed. "This is pathetic Major! You would have done better sending the dog to fight me, but no! The great Lazte Battalion sends a little girl to fight Count Dracula, Millennium's ace a mere pup!"

"A p-pup…you trained…" He scowled and turned to see Felicity struggling to leer at him. He grabbed her chin and shook her.

"Yes…I did, and it's a mistake I'll regret for the rest of my days. I suppose it's fitting I control the very thing you came to me for and kill you with it. Goodbye, Felicity Ira, and join your father in hell."

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Rip looked on in horror as her love dangled on high, legs thrashing as she struggled against her own scarf.

"Major, we have to do something!"

"I…don't…know." His expression was nowhere near as severe as Rip's, but conveyed the same emotion. "I'd planned for everything, every last detail, until Felicity came along. I don't know what we can do…"

"…join your father in hell." They turned skywards once again.

Alucard slowly reached up, as though to grab Felicity, when he pulled back and grabbed his bow tie. With deliberate slowness, he pulled the bow by the loops. With every centimeter he pulled, the scarf squeezed tighter.

Felicity cast Alucard one last venomous glare before locking eyes with Rip.

"Felicity…" Both reached out for the other longingly, until Alucard pulled the bow taught.

Like the cork off a bottle of champagne, Felicity's head came off of its shoulders and shot into the air, while the body fell down to the earth.

"NO!" Rip cried out, already running headlong to catch the remains. She was halfway there when Schrodinger teleported into the air and grabbed them, bring them to rest beside Rip.

"No, no, no, no, no. This can't be happening!" She cradled the head against her chest. "No, no, no!"

"Rip…" She looked up to see Schrodinger, turned away from her and shaking with rage. "Please take Felicity, Major, and Doc, and go."

"We'll stay here," Zorin casually walked past her and stood beside the neko, scythe resting on her soldiers. "and try our luck with Big Red."

"You'll die!" Rip yelled at them. "Look what he did to Felicity! Look at her!"

Schrodinger and Zorin turned away, unable to comply.

"Yes, look at your cat. She has suffered the same fate you will, soon enough." Alucard spoke playfully, slowly descending to the grass a few feet in front of them where Seras was waiting with cannon in hand.

"You don't even have the right to mention her!" Schrodinger snapped, taking a step forward only for Seras to level her weapon at him.

"Back off." She told him, eyes darting between him and the corpse. Her hands trembled a little, but Schrodinger didn't doubt she would shoot.

"No, we're finishing this fight!" Schrodinger pulled out his own silver knife and teleported behind her. "This is for Felicity!" He brought the knife down, aiming for her heart, when a bullet hit him in the back of the head.

"This is just sad." Alucard picked up Schrodinger's limp body by the collar of his shirt. "Your dragon stands before you, and this is all you can do?" Schrodinger resurrected, but with Alucard holding onto him, he couldn't teleport without bringing Alucard with him.

"You know what," Alucard moved closer to Schrodinger's neck. "you aren't even worth fighting. I'm so bored I'd rather eat you than fight you."

_Come on you dumb bastard,_ Schrodinger thought, _eat me and die._

"Unhand that boy. It's supposed to be my job to grab small children!" Alucard turned, to Schrodinger's dismay.

_What idiot ruined my plan? _The neko boy turned as well to see, to their amazement, Vincent Ira.

"And my least favorite papist returns!" Alucard rolled his eyes and dropped the captive. "Have you come to avenge your previous vessel or are you just here to haunt me?"

"Haunt you? I wouldn't go anywhere near you if I didn't have to." Vincent thrust a finger against Alucard's chest. "But I have to ask you one thing."

"Oh? Well then, ask away. I'm dying to hear what could be of such great concern that you would linger on this mortal coil to ask me."

Vincent sucked in a deep, unnecessary breath.

"Where. Is. Walter?"

"W-what?"

"Where is Walter?" Walter turned from Alucard and eyed everyone. "I've been watching since Felicity arrived, and haven't seen him. Where is the bloody butler?!"

Integra picked up the megaphone and began. "Walter has-"

"-died." Seras finished, eyes downcast. "A few days ago, I ate Walter."

"You what?!" Schrodinger gasped. "You ate your own butler?"

"I didn't want to, but he begged me! He told me "Police girl, you must do this" and when I didn't, he slit his throat. I was drenched in his blood and he said "only you can stop it, Police Girl." The smell drove me to drink him in and I…I…" She broke down into sobs.

"It's alright, Seras." Vincent ran a hand down her back comfortingly.

"Are you satisfied now?" Alucard stopped tapping his foot in impatience, and being a vampire that was something.

"Yes I am. But before I go back to sleep," He left Seras and knelt next to his daughter's body. "It's time to wake up, my sadistic kitten." He reached out to bop the severed head when a hand shot out and stopped him. It wasn't Rip's hand.

"Five more minutes dad. You don't know how comfy Rip is as a pillow." Felicity's voice rang through their heads, but the severed head didn't move. The body, however, shot up like a bolt, and blindly groped around for the head. "Can I get a hand, or head, in this case?"

"Ms. Van Winkle, may I?" Vincent reached out for the head Rip was still clutching in shock. Reluctantly, she released her grip and let Vincent place it back onto its body. Shadows seeped out from the seam, forming a small black band around her neck before fading out of existence.

"Oh it's good to be back!" Felicity said, stretching her arms over her head. She didn't get the chance to finish as Rip tackled her from behind.

"I thought you were dead! Again! Stop doing that or I'll…I'll…I'll do something!"

"Okay, I'll stop faking my death. Happy?" Felicity helped her lover to her feet. "But first, I have to finish off Alucard."

"How are you moving now?" Alucard growled.

Felicity gave him her best mad smile, which caused the Joker all the way in Gotham City to void his bowels.

"You see, we took a little trip to Russia before coming here."

"You mean there was a point to that slaughter?" Schrodinger said, bewildered.

"Yes, there was a point. Alucard is damn near unkillable, and I'm making that a word by the way, because of the many souls he has consumed over the centuries. To give myself a fighting chance, I went to a Russian airport, killed everyone there, fought through lines of riot shield equipped police officers, and stole a plane to England. Inside me are hundreds of angry Russians, and they just ran out of vodka."

"Oh no!"

"Oh no!"

"Oh yeah!" A talking pitcher of Kool-Aid jumped through the wall of the manor, and was quickly chased back inside by Arthur and Hans working in tandem.

"Okay then…" Felicity decided to ignore the Kool-Aid man. "Where were we?"

"You finished saying how you survived being decapitated." Seras offered.

"Thanks. Now you may be wondering why I let myself get "killed" by Alucard. The answer to that is simple. I needed to test out my abilities and gauge how I would do in a fight with Alucard using my normal method. After reading the shoddily written notes of my father I've learned that won't work on him-"

"Hey, my writing isn't that bad!"

"If you spent less time with little Timmy glued to your crotch you might actually learn to write better than a doctor!"

"Don't you talk to your father like that!"

"Complain later. I have to kill Alucard so we can all go home." She cracked her knuckles.

"You'll have to go through me first." Seras growled. Felicity adopted a somber expression and approached her slowly.

"I don't need to."

"And why is that?"

"Because you're going to move on your own after I tell you something." Felicity reached out and rested her hand on the Harkonnen, but made no move to, well, move it. (_What do you expect? After eighteen chapters I've run out of adjectives and verbs! - Wolf_) (_Quit your bitching nancy and get back to writing. - Felicity_)

"Explain."

"Seras, Walter hasn't called you Police Girl since Christmas."

"What…does that mean?"

"Who calls you Police Girl incessantly and wants you to drink blood more than anyone else? Who is capable of forcing the great Walter to do what they want?"

"Ma-master…" Seras slowly turned, face twisted in horror, to face Alucard. "you couldn't have…"

But he had, or so the Jackal shoved against her ribcage told her.

"Tsk tsk. You just had to look into the abyss." Alucard pulled back on the hammer. "But guess what. The abyss looks back."

His finger found the trigger.

He pulled the trigger.

Yet, the bullet never left the chamber.

A thin wire, gleaming in the moonlight, wrapped around his gun and cut through the metal, including the silver tipped bullet inside.

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"What in the blood soaked protestant hell just happened?"

"It appears, Father Anderson, that the butler is back."

"Guys, why do I have vague memories of the last time I met Felicity?"

"You want to do the honor's, or shall?"

"I'll do it Father, but you get the next one."

"Aye." So Heinkel knocked Yumiko out, knocking her off the lawn chair she was sitting on and sent her tumbling down the hill until Yumie took over and climbed back up, righting her seat and continuing to eat Yumiko's popcorn.

"What did I miss?"

"Nothing much, Yumie. We've been here for under an hour and have already seen more plot twists than a Spanish soap opera." Heinkel said, swiping some of Yumie's popcorn.

"Aye. Can we go and kill them all yet?"

Maxwell hit Anderson with a rolled up newspaper from behind.

"I want us to wait until they kill each other. If we rush in now, we would be lucky if only Heinkel made it out alive."

Yumie snorted. "Like that would happen."

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"Walter!" Everyone gasped in surprise, save Alucard who growled.

_What the fuck is with all the twists?! It's like a bad Twilight fanfic,_ Alucard thought, _Not that I would know what one looked like…_

"Yes, I'm back." Walter ended the short staring contest he had with Alucard to give Seras an apologetic look. "And Seras, I'm sorry you had to do what you did, but it wasn't your fault." _Although I thought it was bloody obvious when I kept calling you Police Girl rather than your name! _"It was Alucard who made me say those things."

"But why didn't you speak up sooner?"

"If I had told you, Alucard said he would kill you, so I remained silent till he decided to kill you anyway."

"Don't you see now," Felicity and Vincent flanked Seras on either side. ", Alucard has been using everyone, for hundreds of years he has manipulated those around him into killing for him, killing each other, and even themselves! Alucard is the foulest beast from the deepest circle of Hell imaginable! He is no man, not even a monster." The duo pointed at the nosferatu. "He is the corpse in our closet, driving us mad in fear of its discovery, bending us the will of the weak! But we won't cower from him anymore. The only way to get rid of the skeleton, rend the control from out of its decrepit claws, is to open the door and reveal to the world what Alucard really is!"

"Walter, Vincent, grab him!" Felicity commanded. Alucard fired madly at the familiars, but every shot fired was either batted out of the air by a shadowy tendril or bisected by a garrote wire. The butler, with a calm grace, and Vincent, who struggled not to jump or cower whenever a bullet came his way, walked through the hail of fire until they were within arm's reach of Alucard.

"What? You think you can actually kill me?! ME! Do your worst." He dropped his empty gun and spread his arms to the side. Walter restrained his arms while Vincent went behind him and put Alucard in a full Nelson. "A full Nelson? That won't work on me. I'm Raditz- I mean Alucard."

Felicity came face to face with her maker and felt a strong urge to spit in his face, but knew better.

"You've taken my life. Now it's time to pay you in kind."

She stood on her tip toes and craned her neck to Alucard's.

"Is the part where I close my eyes and ask you to take me-" Felicity's hand clamped over his mouth.

"Shut up." Without further hesitation, she sank her teeth flesh of Alucard's neck.

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"Felicity…"

"ugh."

"Felicity."

"Five more minutes, dad."

"Felicity, wake up!"

She was shaken awake, startled out of her apparent sleep. Looking around, she found herself in her father's car with a splitting headache.

"Oh hey dad. I had the weirdest dream."

"I'd imagine." Vincent put his head on her forehead. "We've been out for a while. Must have hit something."

"I mean it was so damn vivid. There was this guy and I was doing something to his neck." Vincent gave her a queer look.

"Two things. One, don't tell me about your wet dreams. Two, I thought you liked woman."

"I do like woman…but I never told you that, except in the dream." He pulled back and reached for the door handle.

"Well you've made it pretty obvious. Now let's see what we hit."

They disembarked and walked to the front. In place of what Felicity felt should have been a wolf, was a deer, nothing special about it, just a deer.

"Look at my car! It's going to cost me so much to get it repaired."

_Of course he focuses on the car. That is so like…no it isn't. He always values life. _

"Dad, can I ask you something?"

"Sure." Felicity hugged her father from behind while he surveyed the damage to the car.

"Would you fight my battles?"

"You're nineteen, so I think you can handle your own problems."

She broke the hug. "That's all I needed to know."

"Good, then can you get my phone from the-" The words died in his throat when a hand entered his heart.

"Nice try, Alucard. Almost had me for a minute there, but you forgot one thing."

The Vincent façade melted away, revealing Alucard in a black straight jacket.

"Im-impossible! I read your files and interrogated Vincent. I know almost everything about you!"

"Correct, you know everything, but Vincent didn't! He's a horrible father who thinks I'm twenty five!"

With the fist shoved through his heart, Alucard's illusion began to fade, the long stretch of road fading out and being replaced with the cream colored realm Felicity saw when first turned into a vampire.

"So this is how it ends? Well then listen to me you stupid idiot. I am undefeatable. You can never stop me! Death is only the beginning! Now if you'll excuse me, I'll see you in Hell!" Alucard barked, shadow's seeping out of the wound.

"Death was the beginning, wasn't it? But for you death isn't good enough, at least by my hands. Would you care to look down?"

With nothing else to do, Alucard obliged her. Perhaps for the first time since he became a vampire, Alucard felt actual fear. Writhing like an angered sea was countless bodies, blindly groping skyward towards him. Alucard new each and every one of them down below.

After all, they were his familiars.

"How are they here?"

"You should know that one, but I guess I can tell you." Felicity sighed. "I couldn't kill you from the outside because I was only killing the familiar's souls rather than yours. That's why I drank your blood, to pull you in and fight on even ground. Now you almost had me with the whole staged crash thing, but it left you open to me once I deduced your identity. Now the familiars, they tagged along for the ride. I didn't take them all in, only a hundred thousand or so. And look down there!" She pointed with her free hand. "I think Alhambra really wants to play a game of fifty two pick, or cut, up with you."

"You can't do this! I made you!" Felicity pressed Alucard against the transparent floor and placed her foot on his back.

"Just who the hell do you think I am? I'm Felicity, not my dad. I'm me! Felicity the killer!"

She stomped on his back, pushing Alucard through the floor and to the swirling abyss below. It seemed fitting watching him being impaled on his own men's spears.

"If you're going to dig, dig to the heavens. No matter what's in my way, I won't stop. Once I've dug through, it means that I've won." Felicity turned from the scene unfolding beneath her. "And today I've won."

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Felicity's eyes snapped open just in time to see Alucard's body turn to something that was neither sand, not rust, and be swept away by the wind, leaving nothing behind but the Casull.

"You're back!" Rip glomped Felicity, almost knocking them both to the ground. "You said you would stop scaring me!"

"No, I said I would stop faking my death. Never said anything about killing vampires in incredibly dangerous ways."

"Now I don't want you to do either of them, okay?"

"Rip, I don't think there are any other vampires like Alucard, so this won't be happening anytime soon."

"You think you won?"

Felicity and Rip saw the spectators had closed the distance between them, with Integra in the lead. Furious was the understatement of the century if one described her as such.

"I do. Your pet is dead and I don't think Seras is going to fight me." Felicity replied cockily.

"Walter!" Integra barked. She waited a beat, but upon seeing no dismembered cat lover deigned to look at her butler. "Walter?"

"Sir Integra, I'm afraid I haven't been truthful with you." Walter began, stepping to the side to let the Major finish for him.

"I've been employing your butler's services since 1944. He won't hurt us because he is one of us."

Okay, now she was furious.

"Captain Bernadotte! Search and destroy! Leave no trace of these traitorous scum on my property, on my country! Search and destroy!" You could practically see foam at the corners of her mouth.

The clicks of AK-47's being loaded with fresh magazines greeted her ears.

"Now." She ordered.

"Integra." Felicity said. "You might want to turn around."

"Oh fuck all kinds of duck."

"No." Pip replied coolly, back in his mercenary attire. "The fowl are done being fucked with."

"Not you too, Pip! Of all people, I expected you the le-actually of all people you should have betrayed me first, being a mercenary and all." Pip rolled his eyes.

"Says the woman surrounded by flesh eating vampires and disgruntled former employees." Pip rolled his eyes.

"So this is it, Major? You going to kill me and then the rest of the country?" Her calm air was all but shattered, defeat weighing heavily upon her.

"Kill you? The country?" The Major stammered before bursting out into laughter, followed by the rest of Millennium. "Why on Earth would we do that?"

"What?"

"I'll admit my original plan was similar to that, but things have changed. I've realized I can create more war by running a country than by ruining one. You, on the other hand, are different matter entirely. My real quarrel was with Alucard, not the woman who controlled him. I guess I'll leave your fate up to the conquering hero."

"Should we kill her?" Rip pondered.

"Or eat her?" Felicity continued in between fits of laughter.

"I vote to kill her, you agnostic fuck buckets."

Once again, every turned (_There is more turning in this entire story than there is dialogue! - Felicity_)as one unit to see Anderson and the forces of Iscariot had somehow surrounded them. Enrico Maxwell stood beside his paladin with a smug look of satisfaction.

"I believe this is checkmate."

"And the sleeping lion makes his move!" The Major cried with portly glee. "But a move he already undermined months prior."

"What do you mean, you fascist dwarf?" The Major reached into his coat, retrieved a tape recorder.

"In my hands I hold the recording of a certain phone call made from Bishop Enrico Maxwell to Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing. It was made on Christmas, recorded by the late butler of the Hellsing family, and delivered unto me shortly before his death." Maxwell's face was petrified in shock. "What this Nazi dwarf means, is that if you don't leave this country, I'll have your name ruined, your position stripped, and your life reduced to that of a beggar. Tell me, are you feeling lucky punk?"

Major expected a response. He didn't expect the bishop to faint, falling to the ground, with his men walking away in shame of their leader. Anderson stopped to grab his foot and drag him away, while Yumie left Rip, Zorin, and Seras her number. She already slipped Felicity a copy when they first met. What amazed her was how Yumie got it in her bra when her hands didn't go under her shirt.

"That, my dear, is how you properly threaten someone, not with puppy dog eyes." He shook his head and made for the manor. "Come, we have much work to do. Countries to conquer, armies to raise, and a few wars to start."

"Be right there Major!" Felicity called out. "Just need to wrap up one last loose end." She and Rip turned to Integra, sadistic smiles splayed across their faces.

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_Epilogue_

_With Hellsing conquered, there was nothing stopping Millennium from taking control of England. Oddly enough, and despite their Nazi roots, Millennium was seen as one of the most effective government regimes in the country's history, especially when you replace the entire government, thus removing the corrupt elements and allowing for actual work to be done. _

_The Schrodinger Laws legalized most drugs as long as they were sold by a government sanctioned dealer, eliminating the illegal drug trade, and putting Earl Phantomhive out of business, while generating millions in taxable revenue._

_The Major and Zorin, with an army made from vampires, trained mercenaries, and the existing British military, took England to war in Middle East, winning public favor for being the first country that "Wants your blood, not your oil or religion."_

_Hans and Arthur united all the countries animal rights groups into one super group that would become more feared than PETA, but less crazy and more active. (Oh come on! Now you're just trying to piss people off! - Felicity) (Screw the rules, I have money! – Seto Kaiba)_

_Hans and Schrodinger tried to give their relationship another go, but once again, Hans realized he was straight. Schrodinger did not, but the short shorts he wears should have told him that ages ago. _

_While visiting a gun show, Hans ran into Heinkel and, after a bloody five day battle, fell in love. They've been going steady for two years now._

_With Heinkel distracted, Yumie returned to Japan. Yumiko awoke the next day to find herself in bed with five different women and dressed in shredded wedding gown._

_Anderson remained blissfully unaware of Heinkel's relationship, but did take the time to rescue Yumiko. Afterwards, she didn't seem to have a problem with her pacifism interfering with her work._

_Seras and Pip began dating shortly after Alucard's demise, despite Pip's trouble with fidelity and time overseas, made the relationship work. In a foreplay related incident, he was turned into a vampire. In a separate foreplay related incident, some of the Wild Geese were turned into Neko men._

_While Pip was leading his men, Seras gave up the soldier life as Felicity recommended and started a restaurant with Schrodinger and Walter, again by Felicity's recommendation. _

_Speaking of Felicity…._

_She settled down with Rip in a small, two story house, nestled into the countryside, with walls that gleamed red in the moonlight. A white picket fence surrounded it, creating a sizeable yard. Rip and Felicity sat on a blanket in the yard, looking up at the sky wrapped in each other's arms. Sitting a few feet away was Integra, sitting on her hind legs and occasionally letting out small meows or scratching her nekomimi. Felicity reached behind her and retrieved a jar of peanut butter._

"_I thought that trick was for dogs?" Rips asked. (How the f*ck do you know this?! - Felicity) (Nip Tuck - Rip) (I'm calling the ASPCA and raiding that house! – Hans)_

"_I could have made her think she was a dog, but you know I love cats. After all…"_

"_You are, and always will be, Millennium's New Cat."_

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**Wolf: Over 9000 words in this chapter alone, the most I've ever done, over 3000 views, 63 reviews, 15 favorites, and 13 follows. **

**Felicity: I'll miss you all! Miss you so much.**

**Wolf: This story changed so much from what I originally intended. I once found a story, which I think was removed because I can't find it even in my review history, that was full of absurd Millennium stories and it was amazing. Millennium fighting off a horde of ninjas while playing their favorite TF2 characters only to have Hans out badass everyone and pull out two katanas was hilarious. That was what I wanted my story to be originally, but sadly, I lacked the creativity to make all that. So I made on OC and started from there. Felicity has changed so much from what I tried to make her, but damn it all I couldn't make her like a heartless, manipulating, serial killer like I tried to. I think I started loving the character more than then Rip.**

**Rip: Not possible.**

**Schrodinger: WHY AM I GAY?! I don't want to take it up the bum anymore! Every damn fanfic has me taking it up the bum! *cries***

**Hans: At least I got Heinkel, which is an oddly fitting relationship if you think about it. Don't know why no one has done it, or at least more often.**

**Zorin: I didn't get much in the end…**

**Wolf: I find you incredibly hard to like and you should be glad I spared you for pointy22's sake!**

**Major: At least I got my war.**

**Pip: Foreplay related incident?**

**Seras: Yup. I finally got out of the crazy business with a happy ending!**

**Alucard :*can't talk, too busy being killed***

**Walter: I'm still a badass, even in death! Don't forget me!**

**Integra: Meow meow MEOW!**

**Arthur: Hey! You not real cat. Oh well, might as well finish. I'll need tuna and a smoke when finished though. Bow chicka meow meow!**

**Felicity: Time for me to go, this story is over, but maybe I'll come back in a future sequel. What I can say for certain, however, is that I'll be coming in later on in Lonewolf's next story "The Multiplayer Chronicles", a Call of Duty fanfic about the multiplayer. Give it a look, it's funny. **

**Ricky Gervais: That's my line.**

**Wolf: I'm getting the last line here! It's my story!**

**Felicity: Thanks for sticking with us, though thick and thin, prompt updates and delays. You made this story worth writing. So please, I ask, no beseech, no BEG YOU IN ALL YOUR MERCY TO REVIEW THIS FINAL CHAPTER! REVIEW! I GET 90 PLUS PEOPLE TO READ AND ONLY 5 REVIEW! FOR THIS FINAL CHAPTER, GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU HAVE. All your love, all your hate, and your sorrow. Give it to me!**

**Wolf: Nice speech.**

**Felicity: Good night guys. It's been a funny, sexy, gory, awesome, and raunchy ride. We've given everything we have. It's time I take a bow, and leave the stage to take a nap, regain my strength, and return upon the morn!** **Arrivederci! **

**:3 Millennium's New Cat :3**

**:3 Fin :3 **


	20. Update Please Read and Don't Flame

**Felicity: Is there a new chapter?!**

**Wolf: No new chapter.**

**Felicity: Then why are you uploading in my story.**

**Wolf: Alright, and don't be pissed at me, but it's to inform people who favorite and followed the original Millennium's New Cat that a sequel is out and Felicity is still the main character. I've just been concerned that, well, the original gets more views than the new one every day and maybe it's just that the established fan base was unaware of its existence. Hopefully you are know adequately informed without being so pissed at me for raising false hope that you wish to rip out my throat, lobotomize me, and never read my stories again, and not necessarily in that order. **

**Felicity: I know I want to.**

**Wolf: Just be happy me and Pointy22 finished our little lemon with Rip, Felicity, and her OC Krysta. It should be out within a few weeks if she can proofread the massive lemon quick enough. Hehe, I put too much plot in.**


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